Saturday, October 31, 2009

Two Dollars Worth!

Now, I don't know if I'm going to do this every night, but maybe I will if the Suns keep winning. These videos are fun anyways. Here are the highlights from the game tonight against Golden State. Starting out the season 2-0!

Yes, you heard right. Steve Nash dropped two dollars worth of dimes* all over court! So, just in case you missed it...

I also have to include a favorite play of the night. Shannon Brown throwin' down! (I love this because he's a point guard who can SKY! Plus, the Lakers lost... double happiness for me!)

*Dropping Dimes is a slang term meaning: to make an assist in basketball i.e. to pass the ball to a teamate who then successfully scores a basket. Usually this term is used in streetball competitions. (I also believe the term is used when referring to a quick drug deal of ten dollars worth of drugs aka a quick hit... but what do I know?)

ps- Two dollars worth of dimes equals 20 dimes aka 20 assists

Friday, October 30, 2009

As a Man Thinketh...

Things I’ve been thinking about:

1) A billboard reads: “Call 911 when it’s life or death. Don’t when it isn’t.” So… call 911… always?

2) $120 jeans vs $20 jeans. I will never, EVER spend more than $20 on jeans. Why?

  • $20 jeans look exactly the same as $120 jeans
  • No one ever notices what brand of jeans you’re wearing, except if you’re wearing Jnco jeans… then everyone notices
  • Simple mathematics: $120 jeans cost 100 dollars more than $20 jeans
  • More simple mathematics: I can buy 6 pairs of $20 jeans for the price of one pair of $120 jeans. Six pairs!! That will last me ten years!
  • The other day I walked in my apartment and Thalia, my know-it-all roommate-Dan’s fiancĂ©, said, “Hey Barticus, I like your jeans.” “Thanks, they were $20.” I replied. I said this jokingly on purpose, in an effort to razz her a little bit, because I know she’s the type of girl who loves $120 jeans.
  • If anyone ever asks me, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” I always respond with, “If they were 120 dollars they sure do.”
  • I don’t have $120. But if I did, there are a LOT of other things I’d rather spend it on. (Like Wendy's, or Calvin and Hobbes)

3) Whistlers… I’ll never understand them. Are you bored? Trying to get my attention? Do you really love the Mario Bros. theme song SO much that you HAVE to whistle it? The sad thing is that the ones that are actually good at it never do it… and the one’s that aren’t… well you just keep on tryin’, buddy. (And that’s not a statement of encouragement, that’s a statement of fact.)

4) My dear friend Tia asked, “Do you wish Steve Nash was your boyfriend? I think you do…” Now, to clarify, Steve Nash is not gay, nor am I. But hey, if he asked me out, I wouldn't say no. I like to be pampered with free dinner and a good time just like the next girl. Besides, man-dates can be just as fun as regular dates. Except for when they get canceled. Then they're just as bad as regular dates.

5) And of course, something sports related. Greg Popovich, the coach of the San Antonio Spurs, sat all of his starters during the last four minutes of their game against the Chicago Bulls. They were only down eight points. That’s nothing. That’s a basket and a defensive stop (which is what the Spurs are supposedly ‘good’ at: defense) away from a two possession game! They ended up losing the game 92-85, but why in the world would you sit all of your starters and forfeit any chance of winning a game that is clearly within reach? I’ve never understood why Popovich does this, and he does it often. He even does it in the playoffs. I remember one game, his team was down by 20 points early in the third quarter, he sat all of his starters and didn’t play them the rest of the game, and they lost. The NBA game is a game of runs, and any team can come back and win on any given night, as shown us by the Celtics in the ‘07-’08 finals. (Although I disagree with Popovich’s approach, I’m elated when he does this. I hate the Spurs and I love when they lose.)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wanna be a Balla, Shot Calla...

I've been waiting six months for this night. And Steve and Co. did not disappoint. Steve Nash is as CLUTCH as anyone in the league.

"they say i couldnt play football i was too small, they say i couldnt play basketball i wasnt tall, they say i couldnt play baseball at all, now everyday of my life i ball"

Now, for further enjoyment, here is Carmelo Anthony dunking on Paul Milsap. Oh, so sexy!

I love this game!

I love this game!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Mr. Fantasy Basketball Manager Guy

Real Men of Genius. Today we salute you, Mr. Fantasy Basketball Manager Guy. (Mr. Fantasy Basketball Manager Guy!) Every year you assemble your closest friends to prepare for another season in the flop-down, box-out world of make believe b-ball. (It's called a Crab-step!) You were born with the one skill every manager needs to play fantasy basketball... absolutely no skill playing REAL basketball. (Not so good at dribbling!) Imaginary passes, imaginary rebounds. Next up, an imaginary score, with an imaginary woman. (Good imagination!) So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Larry Bird of the bleachers. 'Cause you may always come in dead last, but you'll always be 'first' with us.

Speaking of firsts... lets get to the first round of this years draft. The teams included in the draft are Steven Q. Nash (yours truly), Hannah Montanas (Willie Harnish), Oh bubba noo... (Sean Packard), Nug Nuts (Josh Thein), DA SPURS (Ryan Rodriguez), Cheyenne Harnattacks, (Curtis Harnish), Team Holmes, (Mike Holmes), Team Jacob and Tom (Jacob Weinstock and Tom), Team Little (Jared Little), Brewin and Boozin (Scotty McKell), Psychobilly (Garlan McCoy), and Team Hutchens (Andre Hutchens).

I decided to do what they've done on ESPN: analyze my picks, and your picks, and give insights to how the draft shook-out. You may or may not agree... I really don't care. Just know that you are going to lose, and at the end of this season, you will be a part of the mediocre rubble on which I will stand.

Round 1

What I was thinking: “Did I just wet myself?” You could imagine how elated I was to find Kevin Durant fell to 9th. I was looking for top value in Round One, and I got it. The only thing that Kevin Durant lacks to become one of the best: assists (and a little muscle).

What I liked: Dwade at 3. I know he’s been all over in the first round… so I was glad to see Nug Nuts pick up the MVP! Amare Stoudemire at 12.

What I didn’t like: Brandon Roy at 7 was really surprising. Not a terrible pick, but I’m not so sure he’s a first rounder.

Round 2
What I was thinking: “I hate you Andre.” He picked Steve Nash out of spite (He wanted KD, but there was no way he would fall to 12, so after I took Durant, Andre looked right at me and said, "I'm taking Nash."). So I had to take the next best PG in Calderon. He gives me everything Nash does… but isn't quite the scoring threat. I’m still a little upset.

What I liked: Steve Nash at 13. I would have done the exact same thing. Joe Johnson is like Kobe in fantasy.

What I didn’t like: Paul Pierce at 20. Overrated in all leagues... and life. I hate him.

Round 3
What I was thinking: “Rondo would be great trade bait for Nash.” Unfortunately Rondo was taken right before me. So Brook Lopez was a no brainer. He does everything and was THE center I wanted. I just hope he improves on last years numbers: 13pts, 8r, 2bl, and stellar %.

What I liked: PF’s! Boozer, Murphy, West, Lee.

What I didn’t like: Derrick Rose over a plethora of PG’s. Rose can’t shoot and can’t pass. What else to PG’s do? And Elton Who? (Exactly.)

Round 4
What I was thinking: “Westbrook in round 4!” I was actually thinking this starting in round 1. This kid will make or break my fantasy year. Consider him a less polished, but better shooting, Rajon Rondo. Averaging almost a triple double in the preseason, Westbrook will be on the giving end of many of Durant’s baskets. Plus he’ll give me 5+ rebounds a game, from the pg slot!

What I liked: Monta Ellis. I’m curious to know if Jacob and Tom had their sights on him? Nene. He’s going to do a lot more for Denver… Boom Dizzle at 39. I just want him to dunk on Kirlenko again… sigh.

What I didn’t like: The rest of this round. I don’t know if anyone noticed… but FT % and Missed FT are categories in our league. … Josh Smith, Camby, Okafor, Biedrins. They miss FT's. Arenas was hurt, Jamison is hurt, and Arenas (again) will get hurt. I don’t like Vince Carter in Orl or Gordon sharing time with Rip Hamilton. Is this round over yet?

Round 5
What I was thinking: “Aldridge or Thomas.” Thomas should have every chance to shine in Chicago this year, and I expect him to do just that. 2 blocks a game is real nice!

What I liked: Blake Griffin at 54. Maybe not in round 5, but who’s to say when you draft the ROY? Rudy Gay at 59.

What I didn’t like: Tony Parker over Jameer Nelson. I think Andre is kicking himself over that one.

Round 6
What I was thinking: “Nelson, Nelson, Nelson… oh, Marion.” I really wanted to put Nelson with my already dangerous PG duo of Calderon and Westbrook. But he was drafted right before my pick. The Matrix can do everything. I’m hoping that running along side J. Kidd will resurrect his career, and my fantasy numbers.

What I liked: I didn’t notice this until now, but Hannah Montanas paired Rip Hamilton with his Round 4 pick, Ben Gordon. I tip my hat to Willie for making, what will probably be, the smartest move of the draft.

What I didn’t like: Turkoglu picked before me. Mostly because I don’t like him, but also because he should do well in Toronto. Who else is going to shoot the rock?

Round 7
What I was thinking: “Cherry’s favorite… and grape’s also favorite!” This is where a lot of my favorite fantasy players are drafted. And I knew who I wanted: JR Smith, Ariza, Scola, I just had to wait and see who fell to me. Scola: with Yao out, Scola will own the inside for Houston. And he hits his FT’s.

What I liked: Trevor Ariza. I really wanted to pair Ariza with the Matrix. But once again he was picked right before me. Millsap is consistent behind Boozer.

What I didn’t like: Ramon Sessions over Mario Chalmers or TJ Ford. Ronnie Brewer. Can’t shoot, can’t pass, hustles but not enough to be of value in fantasy, and over JR Smith??? (And after such a stellar Round 6, Willie! You let your Jazz love get the best of you. And my hat is now untipped.)

Round 8
What I was thinking: “I really want Barbosa… buuuut…” I have to admit. I almost didn’t get a pick off. I needed a SG/SF but was so indecisive! So I dropped way down the list and picked Michael Beasley at the last second. He should be good this year and will add versatility to my roster as he will play SF/PF/and even C.

What I liked: Anthony Randolph at 89. If there’s anywhere to bust out it’s in Oakland. TJ Ford is a great pick in these middle to late rounds.

What I didn’t like: Samuel Dalembert. He rebounds and will block a shot occasionally. But that’s it. I wouldn’t have picked him, especially with Oden, Bogut, and Noah still on the board.

Round 9
What I was thinking: “Gotta go with a Sleeper!” And Jason Thompson it was. He scored 20 pts and pulled down 20 rebounds with 2 blocks the other day! He’ll get plenty of playing time in his second season with the Kings.

What I liked: Chalmers is as good a point guard as any, just not as consistent. He can fill up the stat sheet though and he gets a lot of steals! Mike Conley. I would have drafted him before AI got into the Memphis water trough.

What I didn’t like: AI. Period.

Round 10
What I was thinking: “I love Steph Curry!” I love Steph Curry. He’s going to start for Nellie at Golden State, so I feel that there really is no risk taking him here. If there is, it’s the same risk as when drafting any other GS player. PS- I love Steph Curry.

What I liked: the BIRDMAN at 120!! I thought I might have a chance to grab him in round 11. But Willie had other ideas. Mike Bibby is a steal this late!! Great pick, Nug Nuts!

What I didn’t like: Brad Miller. That’s just gross DA SPURS.

Round 11
What I was thinking: “Curse me for loving point guards!” I really need another swingman, a SG/SF. To find Lou Williams this late was just unbelievable. He’s a PG/SG combo who has free reign to do whatever in Philly. His 17 ppg will be a nice addition!

What I liked: To tell you the truth I REALLY wanted Tyreke Evans. He has the build to play PG-PF, and on an injury prone Kings team, he very well might. Battier is a great pickup as well as Grant Hill. Nice work Jared and Andre!

What I didn’t like: Kevin Love. Not because he was drafted, but because I wanted him to fall to me in the next round, just six more spots! He’s a double double machine!

Round 12
What I was thinking: “I NEED a SG!” Brandon Rush was my best option. He’ll play 30 plus minutes coming off the bench. Plus, it's Indiana... all they do is shoot threes.

What I liked: James Harden. I was hoping for Harden but this is a great pick by Andre. TMac. LaShawnda has an all-star caliber player as soon as he’s healthy… and if he gets healthy. Turiaf... blocks, anyone? Blocks are huge this late in the draft. Nice one, Nug Nuts

What I didn’t like: Shaq. Once again: FT %, Missed FT’s, and Turnovers. Congratulations Hannah Montanas, you just punted 3 categories. And you once again baffle me with your inconsistent draftplay!

Round 13
What I was thinking: “Scorer.” Once Channing Frye was taken I had to go to my other favorite run-and-gun team, GS. Azubuike has all the tools to be an amazing player. Hopefully Nellie will give him the opportunity to use them.

What I liked: Channing Frye. He does everything! Especially 3's and scoring. And Hutchens with Carl Landry. Remember, Yao’s out.

What I didn’t like: Stojakovic. Oooo gross.
I must congratulate Nug Nuts for having the best draft, besides mine, of course. Congrats Josh! (Willie, you disappoint me.)

Friday, October 23, 2009

Bits of Hay... Mmmm

Have you read the book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R Covey? If you have… congratulations. You have done something I have not. It’s not that I haven’t had the desire, or the time, or that I haven’t tried… I just never get past habit number 2: Begin with the End in Mind…. So I’ve never finished the book. You see, Covey has created a strategic, multi-layered tool to analyze a person’s effectiveness.

Layer A: Action. Did you get past habit 2 and finish the book? If yes, continue to Layer B. If no, consider yourself highly ineffective.

Layer B: Embodiment. Did you incorporate the habits into you life? If yes, continue to Layer C. If no, consider yourself ineffective.

Layer C: Chocolate. Who can have layered anything without chocolate??? Consider yourself highly effective.

(I guess you could quiz your family and friends, "Hey Johnny! Are you H.E.P. A, B, or C?" )

But what’s with all the guesswork? Covey should have written a prequel, entitled: “2 Habits of Highly INeffective People”. It would include the first two habits of “7 habits…”, and then end. On the last page would be one solitary sentence: “You’ve got nothin’… you’re S.O.L.”

Imagine all the people who have tried to read “7 habits…”, think of how they have felt… like a failure for not even finishing a book… and ineffective for not even being a real person. And now! Imagine them reading “2 habits…”… imagine them turning that last page, closing the cover, and holding it close to their hearts. The feeling of accomplishment! The feeling of a glossy, thick spine! The feeling of… uh… accomplishment!

Sure, they’ve just been told they’re a loser, that they’ll never amount to anything, that their only contribution to society will be dying so the city can hire someone to bury them so unemployment rates will decrease… sure, they’re highly ineffective people, but at least they’re highly ineffective people who can finish a book!

ps- I'm H.E.P. A! (gives thumbs up!)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Almost Algorithm

Basketball season is upon us. (Almost.) How can I tell, you ask? It could be the amazing autumn colors dotting the trees. It could be the cool, brisk air that welcomes my face in the morning. It could be that football season if half over (almost) and that baseball is in the middle of the playoffs. … Or it could be that I’m injured again. I broke my ankle. (Almost.)

I’ve always considered myself as resilient. I’m the kind of guy that bounces back. (I would have to say that’s a very literal statement. And I should also say that it hurts a lot more to bounce on concrete then on grass. Just an FYI for anyone now thinking about trying to calculate your body’s impact-to-bounce ratio.) Sometimes it just takes a little bit longer to bounce back, to recoup, to return to form. (I really think it’s a 1:1 ratio, unless you’re a little portlier… then it might be one impact to two bounces, or 1:2. Hey, my interest is peaked.)

So as I’ve been sitting here icing my overly swollen, extremely discolored, and nearly unrecognizable stump of a leg, (seriously, it’s HUGE) I’ve been trying to figure out the last time I was injured. Surprisingly… it’s been a long time.

Let’s go back to December, 2006. I was playing a little pick-up ball in Rexburg, Idaho. I was dominating in every aspect of the game (of course) and was really shooting the lights out. The kid who was guarding me decided he should try and keep me from shooting by playing really tight D. Mistake. He didn’t know how quick I was…. Yet. He stepped towards me and I immediately knew what he was doing. I faked left, and drove right. I now had space between me and him, but I saw his teammate coming over from the weakside. I stopped and pivoted, looking for the open man. Mistake. I didn’t know how slow (to stop) my defender was…. Yet.

The following happened in about .000001 seconds (aka a flash): To my horror he was still lumbering towards me. I don’t think he had his eyes open. If he did, I don’t think he had his glasses on. If he did, I don’t think they were the right prescription. If they were, I don’t think he had a brain. He was running full speed with his head down, eyes to the floor. Like a bull after a torero, or Zidane after the Italians. Crunch, blur, collapse, blood.

It was kinda like this: (this is why Steve Nash is FANTASTIC!)

When I finally wiped the tears from my eyes (c’mon! everyone knows if you get hit in the nose your eyes fill with liquid… and when you get dumped by your girlfriend… and when you put your contacts in… and when you watch Brother Bear… right?) all I could see was a pool of blood. If blood banks could take all the blood that’s ever come from my nose, they would save an entire nation (like France… hmmm).

It was broken. I had surgery. It got better. I did snot.

That was the last time I was injured… okay that’s a lie. Summer of 2007. I was playing some pick-up ball in Cheyenne, Wyoming. I was dominating in every aspect… (did you notice a pattern here? Also, did you notice my snot joke? Just making sure…) Anyways, I’ll just show you exactly what I did (Almost). Watch the big white guy. (In my story, the roles were reversed: I had the ball going for the layup, which I made, and the little guy in black was on defense.)

I, of course, walked out of the gym by myself, on my own two legs. Apparently my knees aren’t worth $19.7 million dollars a year like Dirk Nowitzki’s. But after two weeks of being immobilized and a brief stint at rehab, I was back to my regular, old self.

And I’ve been injury free since. (Well, almost.)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Barttimesnow Topic-Contest Winner!

The official results are in! We, here at Barttimesnow, would like to thank the millions of participants from all over the world! We have spent countless hours opening fan mail and reading through your entries. Because of your tireless enthusiasm and innumerable entries, we have spent far too many hours deciding on a winner. (AKA I lost my job and have been banned from any and all Foot Locker retail stores. I guess that’s a different story… a story that may or may not be told.)

We put all the entries in a hat –but because there were millions and millions of entries. and only so many can fit in my Florida Marlins baseball cap, we put as many as could fit in the cap and picked one. We then repeated this process over and over and over again, until we picked enough ‘winners’ to fill the cap one last time. We then pulled the final winning entry from the cap…. And we then drew one more time because we didn’t like the idea of writing about how ‘Obama deserves the Nobel Peace Prize’. (Really people? I said ‘interesting’ and ‘fun’ ideas… not to mention ideas that can be legitimately argued...) But we are proud to announce that after many reshuffles and a few scratched entries, we have chosen a winner.

And the winner is…ahem, drumroll please. … The winner is… now, where did that piece of paper go… I know it’s around here somewhere. … hang on, I’ll be right back… Hey, Dan! Have you seen that paper… that paper I was writing on… yes, I know how to write… yes, that also means I know how to read… I don’t know, probably like two days ago… it looked like a piece of paper, with writing on it… what do you mean ‘was it well written’?!... I’d say my penmanship nearly matches my grammatical schematics… yeah, I don’t know where that drumming is coming from… do you know where that paper is or not?... no, I do NOT need a Kleenex, thank you very much!… …

Sorry about that. Found it. The winner is:... Oh that's terrible. I demand a recount.

Ball Jury In Basket

Hey Garlan... are you still using those crutches? If you're not, I'd love to borrow them... I mean... ahem... I have a friend of a friend who needs them. He... um... hurt his leg in the first ever X-games extreme bareback horse riding competition. I guess that's what happens when you try to be the Travis Pastrana of bareback and land the first back flip... on horseback. (What's amazing is he actually got the horse all the way around... he just kinda slipped through the stirrup on the landing...)

At least he was trying something cool... unlike you. Please read about Garlan here. I just have a few points to make. 1) You can't take anyone off the dribble. You're too slow and don't have any handles (besides the kind that begin with 'love'). 2) You can't jump. Especially off one foot. You're white... and trash. You're white trash. Please read more about Garlan here.

Naw, I'm just kidding about the white part...

Anyways... about those crutches. I think... I mean, my friend of a friend thinks he may need them soon. He's in a lot of pain and really shouldn't be putting any weight on it. Especially because he didn't do the exact same thing that you did to your ankle. That would be ridiculous of him. And definitley not smart... and mostly, extremely ironic. Especially because I texted you about it an hour before I hurt... I mean, my friend of a friend hurt himself.

So it's been about ten hours since I... he did it... should he still be nauseated? In extreme pain?... ...Crying?... Just wonderin'. ... Yeah so let me/us/him know... Thanks.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Okay people. I'm trying to win a contest. It's a writing contest, if you must know. I've never won anything in my life, but with your help, I just might. For all of you who are Facebook users...

1) add this app
2) click 'vote for bottle'
3) type 'bart' in the search finder
4) then vote for my bottle!!

Just vote once a day until the 20th of October. (You KNOW you get on facebook once a day!) Thanks you're all great!

ps-We're still accepting entries for the Barttimesnow contest that could win you something 'awesome'. For details, see the previous post.