Saturday, October 31, 2009
Yes, you heard right. Steve Nash dropped two dollars worth of dimes* all over court! So, just in case you missed it...
I also have to include a favorite play of the night. Shannon Brown throwin' down! (I love this because he's a point guard who can SKY! Plus, the Lakers lost... double happiness for me!)
*Dropping Dimes is a slang term meaning: to make an assist in basketball i.e. to pass the ball to a teamate who then successfully scores a basket. Usually this term is used in streetball competitions. (I also believe the term is used when referring to a quick drug deal of ten dollars worth of drugs aka a quick hit... but what do I know?)
ps- Two dollars worth of dimes equals 20 dimes aka 20 assists
Friday, October 30, 2009
1) A billboard reads: “Call 911 when it’s life or death. Don’t when it isn’t.” So… call 911… always?
2) $120 jeans vs $20 jeans. I will never, EVER spend more than $20 on jeans. Why?
- $20 jeans look exactly the same as $120 jeans
- No one ever notices what brand of jeans you’re wearing, except if you’re wearing Jnco jeans… then everyone notices
- Simple mathematics: $120 jeans cost 100 dollars more than $20 jeans
- More simple mathematics: I can buy 6 pairs of $20 jeans for the price of one pair of $120 jeans. Six pairs!! That will last me ten years!
- The other day I walked in my apartment and Thalia, my know-it-all roommate-Dan’s fiancé, said, “Hey Barticus, I like your jeans.” “Thanks, they were $20.” I replied. I said this jokingly on purpose, in an effort to razz her a little bit, because I know she’s the type of girl who loves $120 jeans.
- If anyone ever asks me, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” I always respond with, “If they were 120 dollars they sure do.”
- I don’t have $120. But if I did, there are a LOT of other things I’d rather spend it on. (Like Wendy's, or Calvin and Hobbes)
3) Whistlers… I’ll never understand them. Are you bored? Trying to get my attention? Do you really love the Mario Bros. theme song SO much that you HAVE to whistle it? The sad thing is that the ones that are actually good at it never do it… and the one’s that aren’t… well you just keep on tryin’, buddy. (And that’s not a statement of encouragement, that’s a statement of fact.)
4) My dear friend Tia asked, “Do you wish Steve Nash was your boyfriend? I think you do…” Now, to clarify, Steve Nash is not gay, nor am I. But hey, if he asked me out, I wouldn't say no. I like to be pampered with free dinner and a good time just like the next girl. Besides, man-dates can be just as fun as regular dates. Except for when they get canceled. Then they're just as bad as regular dates.
5) And of course, something sports related. Greg Popovich, the coach of the San Antonio Spurs, sat all of his starters during the last four minutes of their game against the Chicago Bulls. They were only down eight points. That’s nothing. That’s a basket and a defensive stop (which is what the Spurs are supposedly ‘good’ at: defense) away from a two possession game! They ended up losing the game 92-85, but why in the world would you sit all of your starters and forfeit any chance of winning a game that is clearly within reach? I’ve never understood why Popovich does this, and he does it often. He even does it in the playoffs. I remember one game, his team was down by 20 points early in the third quarter, he sat all of his starters and didn’t play them the rest of the game, and they lost. The NBA game is a game of runs, and any team can come back and win on any given night, as shown us by the Celtics in the ‘07-’08 finals. (Although I disagree with Popovich’s approach, I’m elated when he does this. I hate the Spurs and I love when they lose.)
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I've been waiting six months for this night. And Steve and Co. did not disappoint. Steve Nash is as CLUTCH as anyone in the league.
"they say i couldnt play football i was too small, they say i couldnt play basketball i wasnt tall, they say i couldnt play baseball at all, now everyday of my life i ball"
Now, for further enjoyment, here is Carmelo Anthony dunking on Paul Milsap. Oh, so sexy!
I love this game!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Speaking of firsts... lets get to the first round of this years draft. The teams included in the draft are Steven Q. Nash (yours truly), Hannah Montanas (Willie Harnish), Oh bubba noo... (Sean Packard), Nug Nuts (Josh Thein), DA SPURS (Ryan Rodriguez), Cheyenne Harnattacks, (Curtis Harnish), Team Holmes, (Mike Holmes), Team Jacob and Tom (Jacob Weinstock and Tom), Team Little (Jared Little), Brewin and Boozin (Scotty McKell), Psychobilly (Garlan McCoy), and Team Hutchens (Andre Hutchens).
I decided to do what they've done on ESPN: analyze my picks, and your picks, and give insights to how the draft shook-out. You may or may not agree... I really don't care. Just know that you are going to lose, and at the end of this season, you will be a part of the mediocre rubble on which I will stand.
What I was thinking: “Did I just wet myself?” You could imagine how elated I was to find Kevin Durant fell to 9th. I was looking for top value in Round One, and I got it. The only thing that Kevin Durant lacks to become one of the best: assists (and a little muscle).
What I liked: Dwade at 3. I know he’s been all over in the first round… so I was glad to see Nug Nuts pick up the MVP! Amare Stoudemire at 12.
What I didn’t like: Brandon Roy at 7 was really surprising. Not a terrible pick, but I’m not so sure he’s a first rounder.
What I liked: Steve Nash at 13. I would have done the exact same thing. Joe Johnson is like Kobe in fantasy.
What I didn’t like: Paul Pierce at 20. Overrated in all leagues... and life. I hate him.
What I liked: PF’s! Boozer, Murphy, West, Lee.
What I didn’t like: Derrick Rose over a plethora of PG’s. Rose can’t shoot and can’t pass. What else to PG’s do? And Elton Who? (Exactly.)
What I liked: Monta Ellis. I’m curious to know if Jacob and Tom had their sights on him? Nene. He’s going to do a lot more for Denver… Boom Dizzle at 39. I just want him to dunk on Kirlenko again… sigh.
What I didn’t like: The rest of this round. I don’t know if anyone noticed… but FT % and Missed FT are categories in our league. … Josh Smith, Camby, Okafor, Biedrins. They miss FT's. Arenas was hurt, Jamison is hurt, and Arenas (again) will get hurt. I don’t like Vince Carter in Orl or Gordon sharing time with Rip Hamilton. Is this round over yet?
What I liked: Blake Griffin at 54. Maybe not in round 5, but who’s to say when you draft the ROY? Rudy Gay at 59.
What I didn’t like: Tony Parker over Jameer Nelson. I think Andre is kicking himself over that one.
What I liked: I didn’t notice this until now, but Hannah Montanas paired Rip Hamilton with his Round 4 pick, Ben Gordon. I tip my hat to Willie for making, what will probably be, the smartest move of the draft.
What I didn’t like: Turkoglu picked before me. Mostly because I don’t like him, but also because he should do well in Toronto. Who else is going to shoot the rock?
What I liked: Trevor Ariza. I really wanted to pair Ariza with the Matrix. But once again he was picked right before me. Millsap is consistent behind Boozer.
What I didn’t like: Ramon Sessions over Mario Chalmers or TJ Ford. Ronnie Brewer. Can’t shoot, can’t pass, hustles but not enough to be of value in fantasy, and over JR Smith??? (And after such a stellar Round 6, Willie! You let your Jazz love get the best of you. And my hat is now untipped.)
What I liked: Anthony Randolph at 89. If there’s anywhere to bust out it’s in Oakland. TJ Ford is a great pick in these middle to late rounds.
What I didn’t like: Samuel Dalembert. He rebounds and will block a shot occasionally. But that’s it. I wouldn’t have picked him, especially with Oden, Bogut, and Noah still on the board.
What I liked: Chalmers is as good a point guard as any, just not as consistent. He can fill up the stat sheet though and he gets a lot of steals! Mike Conley. I would have drafted him before AI got into the Memphis water trough.
What I didn’t like: AI. Period.
What I liked: the BIRDMAN at 120!! I thought I might have a chance to grab him in round 11. But Willie had other ideas. Mike Bibby is a steal this late!! Great pick, Nug Nuts!
What I didn’t like: Brad Miller. That’s just gross DA SPURS.
What I liked: To tell you the truth I REALLY wanted Tyreke Evans. He has the build to play PG-PF, and on an injury prone Kings team, he very well might. Battier is a great pickup as well as Grant Hill. Nice work Jared and Andre!
What I didn’t like: Kevin Love. Not because he was drafted, but because I wanted him to fall to me in the next round, just six more spots! He’s a double double machine!
What I liked: James Harden. I was hoping for Harden but this is a great pick by Andre. TMac. LaShawnda has an all-star caliber player as soon as he’s healthy… and if he gets healthy. Turiaf... blocks, anyone? Blocks are huge this late in the draft. Nice one, Nug Nuts
What I didn’t like: Shaq. Once again: FT %, Missed FT’s, and Turnovers. Congratulations Hannah Montanas, you just punted 3 categories. And you once again baffle me with your inconsistent draftplay!
What I liked: Channing Frye. He does everything! Especially 3's and scoring. And Hutchens with Carl Landry. Remember, Yao’s out.
What I didn’t like: Stojakovic. Oooo gross.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Layer A: Action. Did you get past habit 2 and finish the book? If yes, continue to Layer B. If no, consider yourself highly ineffective.
Layer B: Embodiment. Did you incorporate the habits into you life? If yes, continue to Layer C. If no, consider yourself ineffective.
Layer C: Chocolate. Who can have layered anything without chocolate??? Consider yourself highly effective.
(I guess you could quiz your family and friends, "Hey Johnny! Are you H.E.P. A, B, or C?" )
But what’s with all the guesswork? Covey should have written a prequel, entitled: “2 Habits of Highly INeffective People”. It would include the first two habits of “7 habits…”, and then end. On the last page would be one solitary sentence: “You’ve got nothin’… you’re S.O.L.”
Imagine all the people who have tried to read “7 habits…”, think of how they have felt… like a failure for not even finishing a book… and ineffective for not even being a real person. And now! Imagine them reading “2 habits…”… imagine them turning that last page, closing the cover, and holding it close to their hearts. The feeling of accomplishment! The feeling of a glossy, thick spine! The feeling of… uh… accomplishment!
Sure, they’ve just been told they’re a loser, that they’ll never amount to anything, that their only contribution to society will be dying so the city can hire someone to bury them so unemployment rates will decrease… sure, they’re highly ineffective people, but at least they’re highly ineffective people who can finish a book!
ps- I'm H.E.P. A! (gives thumbs up!)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I’ve always considered myself as resilient. I’m the kind of guy that bounces back. (I would have to say that’s a very literal statement. And I should also say that it hurts a lot more to bounce on concrete then on grass. Just an FYI for anyone now thinking about trying to calculate your body’s impact-to-bounce ratio.) Sometimes it just takes a little bit longer to bounce back, to recoup, to return to form. (I really think it’s a 1:1 ratio, unless you’re a little portlier… then it might be one impact to two bounces, or 1:2. Hey, my interest is peaked.)
So as I’ve been sitting here icing my overly swollen, extremely discolored, and nearly unrecognizable stump of a leg, (seriously, it’s HUGE) I’ve been trying to figure out the last time I was injured. Surprisingly… it’s been a long time.
Let’s go back to December, 2006. I was playing a little pick-up ball in Rexburg, Idaho. I was dominating in every aspect of the game (of course) and was really shooting the lights out. The kid who was guarding me decided he should try and keep me from shooting by playing really tight D. Mistake. He didn’t know how quick I was…. Yet. He stepped towards me and I immediately knew what he was doing. I faked left, and drove right. I now had space between me and him, but I saw his teammate coming over from the weakside. I stopped and pivoted, looking for the open man. Mistake. I didn’t know how slow (to stop) my defender was…. Yet.
The following happened in about .000001 seconds (aka a flash): To my horror he was still lumbering towards me. I don’t think he had his eyes open. If he did, I don’t think he had his glasses on. If he did, I don’t think they were the right prescription. If they were, I don’t think he had a brain. He was running full speed with his head down, eyes to the floor. Like a bull after a torero, or Zidane after the Italians. Crunch, blur, collapse, blood.
It was kinda like this: (this is why Steve Nash is FANTASTIC!)
When I finally wiped the tears from my eyes (c’mon! everyone knows if you get hit in the nose your eyes fill with liquid… and when you get dumped by your girlfriend… and when you put your contacts in… and when you watch Brother Bear… right?) all I could see was a pool of blood. If blood banks could take all the blood that’s ever come from my nose, they would save an entire nation (like France… hmmm).
It was broken. I had surgery. It got better. I did snot.
That was the last time I was injured… okay that’s a lie. Summer of 2007. I was playing some pick-up ball in Cheyenne, Wyoming. I was dominating in every aspect… (did you notice a pattern here? Also, did you notice my snot joke? Just making sure…) Anyways, I’ll just show you exactly what I did (Almost). Watch the big white guy. (In my story, the roles were reversed: I had the ball going for the layup, which I made, and the little guy in black was on defense.)
I, of course, walked out of the gym by myself, on my own two legs. Apparently my knees aren’t worth $19.7 million dollars a year like Dirk Nowitzki’s. But after two weeks of being immobilized and a brief stint at rehab, I was back to my regular, old self.
And I’ve been injury free since. (Well, almost.)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
We put all the entries in a hat –but because there were millions and millions of entries. and only so many can fit in my Florida Marlins baseball cap, we put as many as could fit in the cap and picked one. We then repeated this process over and over and over again, until we picked enough ‘winners’ to fill the cap one last time. We then pulled the final winning entry from the cap…. And we then drew one more time because we didn’t like the idea of writing about how ‘Obama deserves the Nobel Peace Prize’. (Really people? I said ‘interesting’ and ‘fun’ ideas… not to mention ideas that can be legitimately argued...) But we are proud to announce that after many reshuffles and a few scratched entries, we have chosen a winner.
And the winner is…ahem, drumroll please. … The winner is… now, where did that piece of paper go… I know it’s around here somewhere. … hang on, I’ll be right back… Hey, Dan! Have you seen that paper… that paper I was writing on… yes, I know how to write… yes, that also means I know how to read… I don’t know, probably like two days ago… it looked like a piece of paper, with writing on it… what do you mean ‘was it well written’?!... I’d say my penmanship nearly matches my grammatical schematics… yeah, I don’t know where that drumming is coming from… do you know where that paper is or not?... no, I do NOT need a Kleenex, thank you very much!… …
Sorry about that. Found it. The winner is:... Oh that's terrible. I demand a recount.
At least he was trying something cool... unlike you. Please read about Garlan here. I just have a few points to make. 1) You can't take anyone off the dribble. You're too slow and don't have any handles (besides the kind that begin with 'love'). 2) You can't jump. Especially off one foot. You're white... and trash. You're white trash. Please read more about Garlan here.
Naw, I'm just kidding about the white part...
Anyways... about those crutches. I think... I mean, my friend of a friend thinks he may need them soon. He's in a lot of pain and really shouldn't be putting any weight on it. Especially because he didn't do the exact same thing that you did to your ankle. That would be ridiculous of him. And definitley not smart... and mostly, extremely ironic. Especially because I texted you about it an hour before I hurt... I mean, my friend of a friend hurt himself.
So it's been about ten hours since I... he did it... should he still be nauseated? In extreme pain?... ...Crying?... Just wonderin'. ... Yeah so let me/us/him know... Thanks.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
1) add this app http://apps.facebook.com/flavorcreator/
2) click 'vote for bottle'
3) type 'bart' in the search finder
4) then vote for my bottle!!
Just vote once a day until the 20th of October. (You KNOW you get on facebook once a day!) Thanks you're all great!
ps-We're still accepting entries for the Barttimesnow contest that could win you something 'awesome'. For details, see the previous post.