Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

El Cuaderno

“Llevo cinco días esperando esta broma de tren,” dijo José Luís sarcásticamente, casi murmurando a sí mismo.

Él llevó abrigo a pesar de que todavía hacía calor en Barcelona durante el mes de septiembre. En su mano derecha se encontraba una carpeta negra, la cual manejaba como si no quedara nada de importancia adentro. José Luís miró a su alrededor inmediato para ver si alguien se reía de la misma broma.

Veía a un ejecutivo que llevaba maletín y que miraba su reloj cada diez segundos. José Luís pensó que no había razón por hacerlo tanto. A menos que fuera un reloj cubierto con oro.

Después, José Luís se fijó en un gamberro que quizas tenía veinte años. El joven se sentaba en el suelo sucio de la Estación de Sants, apoyándose con la misma columna en que dibujaba. Llevaba una camiseta declarando en inglés que ‘Punk is not dead!’ y auriculares negros. Salía la música tan fuerte que José Luís pensó por un momento que se había entrado a la discoteca.

Por suerte, se distraía a José Luís una madre que andaba en el andén arrastrando a su niña detrás de ella como una pesada bolsa de patatas.

“Pero no quiero ir a Madrid,” protestó la niña, luchando contra las lágrimas.

“¡Irás y lo disfrutarás!,” respondió la madre, intentando terminar la conversación.

“Pero... pero...” discutió la niña, escapando con su madre del alcance del oído de José Luís.

Mientras que se alejaron de los otros pasajeros pontenciales, pasaron una esquina cubierta por las sombras y la oscuridad olvidada. Al parsarla, a lo mejor no hacían caso del hombre sentado en el banco. José Luís le veía solamente debido al reflejo de la luz del cigarrillo que incendía cuando se le daba una calada. El humo rodeaba su cara poco iluminada.

Llevaba traje azul, zapatos italianos y un sombrero bombín. José Luís veía que él sí se reía. Pero se enfrascaba en el periódico. Y a lo mejor, se reía a causa del dibujo político que salió en esa edición. José Luís sonrió al pensarlo. Realmente era tan gracioso el dibujo.

Los pensamientos de José Luís regresaron al presente cuando escuchó el silbido del tren entrando a la estación. El tren paró con fuerza y la gente en el andén se apelotonó para subir. José Luís intentó evitar chocarse con la gente que se bajaba del tren, pero fue imposible eludir a todos.

Al sentarse en su asiento asignado, se sentía que había pasado los últimos momentos como torero en una corrida de toros. Se quedó sudoroso y agotado pero por lo menos respiraba con tranquilidad.

“Me cierro los ojos brevamente,” pensó José Luís al sentir el movimiento del tren. La oscuridad parecía interminable y su mente no tenía ningun problema para perderse en las tinieblas. “Nos embarcamos en una gran adventura.”

Thursday, August 12, 2010


Another fake episode of Bart and Dan. Why is it fake? Because the Bart and Dan TV show isn't real, thus making what really happens in our actual lives fake to the characters in Bart and Dan, and to the rest of you. So what if there are over 20 episodes stored somewhere on my hard drive? It doesn’t mean it exists.

Real or not, this is a glimpse of our life at work. Enjoy.

Somewhere in-between saving the world and answering the phone, an idea gently wrests on the furrowed brow of Daniel Criddle.

Dan: wouldn't be silly if chickens ‘barted’ instead of ‘clucked’?
baaa.. ba. baaaaart.
Bart: Silly indeed. But what if every animal everywhere barted?

Daniel :
BAAaart-bart-bart-bart-bart. Those are the ugly ducks in Spain…
BAAAAAAAART!! That was a bear.
..... …. That was a giraffe
Bart: Giraffes have to make some sort of noise.

*rustling leaves noise
*long tongue slurp noise
*whacking necks together noise
Bart: ahhhh yes… who could forget the *whacking necks together noise?

Daniel: Unfortunately, none of those sound remotely like bart. … but whacking necks would probably be closest.

Bart: I guess we'll just have to kill off all the giraffes for not conforming to our new mold of animal society.

Daniel: Not necessary, they'll just think in bart.

Bart: mmmm... that almost works... and I’d rather deal with semi-conforming rebel giraffes than deal with giraffe blood. It’s sticky, and smells like burnt nose hair. The only noticeable loophole is that giraffe thoughts are indiscernible. If they decide to plot an uprising by falling back to their old giraffe thoughts... we would never know. And then... BAM. Giraffe riot. Not quite zoot suit riot. But close.

Daniel: But that's the beauty of bart thought. Once it is implemented, the simplicity of bart makes it impossible to overcome. It’s not nearly as complicated as heehaaaw or meow with their dual syllables. And oink has the terrible schwa that can make pronunciation difficult for some. Bart is just consonant vowel consonant. There is no animal code that can override that.

Bart: Yes, but moo could cause some static in bart thought... it is very easy to code and is monosyllabic... not to mention very fun to say... and even funner to think...

Daniel: True, the cows would pose a weak spot in bart think implementation, but we have the strength of all the other farm animals on our side. And we control their milking schedules.

Friday, July 9, 2010

LeFall of LeBron

Dear LeBron James,

I’m not going to hate on you like all of your so-called fans around the world. Because I don’t hate you. I think you’re a great guy. I think you’re beyond talented… and to say you are gifted would be an understatement. But it’s not what people think about you that defines you, it’s the choices you make.

And you just made the biggest decision of your life.

While nearly the entire basketball world stopped for days (Phoenix, LA Lakers and OKC being the few exceptions) while it anxiously awaited your decision about free-agency to come down from atop your throne, I almost thought your reign extended beyond the NBA kingdom. I almost thought you could stop the daily doldrums of everyday life. I almost thought you might stop crime… or the war… or the oil spill. I have to admit, you had me for a second…

You see, I had forgotten about all of those things. Maybe it was your charm, your class, or even your goodness that made me think you held the world in your hands.

But then you had to go and ruin the magic. All of the drama, the theatrics, the spectacle…. It was all gone when you went to ESPN to ask them to do a special on you and your decision. You gave yourself away.

I knew instantly you were leaving Cleveland. There’s no way you would end weeks and weeks of anticipation and speculation by announcing you were ‘just staying in Cleveland’. And on live TV? Not a chance in the world. It was too late for that. You already had too much momentum behind you… too many people wondering about the possibilities, too many people looking forward to you in a different jersey.

The question was: which jersey?

Cleveland? You and I both know that if you were to stay in Cleveland, you’d never win a championship. The Cavs tried to bring in the right pieces to help their cause: Shaq and Antawn Jamison. They knew if they could get you your ring this year, you just might stay in Cleveland forever. But Cleveland fans should have known that your early second round exit from the playoffs was only the beginning of their heartbreak. They had their chance.

LA Clippers and share LA, and the Western Conference, with Kobe? Never.

New Jersey and play for the worst team while it rebuilds and wait around until it moves to Brooklyn in a couple years? Not even an after-thought.

Chicago and young, budding star DRose, with the possibility of luring Dwade or Bosh? Not when you would live every second of every day under the omnipresent shadow of the Greatest of All Time: #23.

That would leave you with two teams: the New York Knicks or the Miami Heat. Go ahead, pick one.

If you choose the Knicks, you get a max contract. Millions upon millions of dollars. You live in the Big Apple, and with your celebrity and status, I can only begin to imagine the perks of being you and living there. You are able to build your brand, and network with the top companies in the world. You begin to explore areas of your life outside of basketball.

You instantly make the Knicks a playoff team (remember they’re in the East). You pair up with Amare Stoudemire and through D’Antoni’s offensive brilliance you make the Knicks one of the most exciting teams in the NBA. You are given full control of the system and average 35-10-10 per game, the first triple double average since Oscar Robertson, to bring home your second MVP. You may not win the championship the first year, but you have a chance to sign Carmelo Anthony after next season (remember he’s from Brooklyn). And there’s no doubt to the reason why the Knicks are winning: you.

But most importantly, you resurrect one of the greatest stages in the history of basketball. You bring back the glitz and glam of Madison Square Garden. You make New York more than a baseball town again. You make the Knicks relevant again. You extend your reign by conquering one of the most prominent cities in the world.

Now, if you choose the Heat, you take a pay cut. You join forces with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh, your friends and former Team USA teammates. You probably won’t win another MVP, because you’re playing along two other superstars, but the Heat are instantly considered front-runners to win the Eastern Conference. You are title contenders.

But choosing to start a new season in Miami may also be the end of your legacy. You’re going to have to share the ball with two other players who love to have the ball in their hands. Your stats will suffer. And real legends make the big shots in crunch time. And we both know who’s going to have the ball when the game is on the line… all you’ll be able to do is watch.

And without you even knowing, the reins of the kingdom have slipped from your grasp.

Sorry, ‘Bron. You may have been the King of Cleveland, and you more than likely would have been the King of the New York. But there’s one thing that will never be under your reign… Miami. That’s Dwade’s team. That’s Dwade’s town. That’s Dwade’s world. And it looks like this year you’ll be doing nothing more than playing second or third fiddle as a servant in the real King’s court.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

iQuote with my iQuill on Myquest

Escape by the stroke of the quill will take you farther than any man-made contraption. I think Socrates said that once. Or it could have been me. Either way, someone said it... and then someone else quoted it. (That someone else might have been me as well... or, it might have been Socrates.)

Whatever your quest may be, just remember to use MIND BULLETS!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Beyond the Shadows

Someone once said that the moment you stop to think about whether you love someone, you’ve already stopped loving that person forever.

The feeling of uninhibited love for another, be it family, friend, or significant other, is not thought about, conjured up, or found upon the pedals of a flower. It is not produced by a factory or simulated on the big screen.

It simply exists. It flows from within.

This is the easy part. Excitement, wonder, awe, desire, intrigue, curiosity, love. You feel content when they're around, but notice when they're not. Although the feeling may course through your very being, expression of that feeling so it is understood is a much harder task.

Especially if you remember that after every flow comes its ebb.

Welcome back to earth. It's at this point of declination that a relationship is truly defined. This is the hard part. Fear, doubt, worry, regret, disregard, indifference. It requires one to come out of the shadows of normality, of regularity, and do more than they have done before.

But remember, every ebb has its flow.


Someone also once said, ‘The female heart is a labyrinth of subtleties, too challenging for the uncouth mind of the male racketeer.’

But, before I could process that statement, I was hopelessly dumbstruck. I was at the mercy of this creature whose words and charms I had neither means nor desire to resist. I wished that she would never stop speaking, that her voice would wrap itself around me forever, and that nothing would break the spell of that moment that belonged only to me.

Perhaps for that very reason, I adored her all the more, because of the eternal human stupidity of pursuing those who hurt us the most.

I looked at her for a few moments without saying anything. I thought about how much I wanted to lose myself in those evasive eyes. I thought about the loneliness that would take hold of me that night when I said goodbye to her, once I had run out of tricks or stories to make her stay with me any longer. I thought about how little I had to offer her and how much I wanted from her.

We embraced, and I hoped that she might feel, if just for a second, the way I felt about her at that moment.

I watched her slip inside and close the door behind her, and I turned to face the chilly, dark night… alone.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Mr. Potato Block

So what do you write about when you can’t write? When you’ve been looking at a computer screen for the past 9 hours with nothing to show for it? When everything you thought to be worth writing is now rendered worthless as it is read by no one?

I’m not sure.

I have this problem every once in a while. Some people call it writers block. I’m not really sure why it’s called that. There isn’t an actual block that they pass around like hot potato to see who gets stuck with it… “Oh, Sorry Ralph (Waldo Emerson), you can’t write for about a week. It looks like the entire literary world will have to suffer through seven more days of unenlightened prose until your block is taken by someone else.’ Watch out F. Scott... you're next.

Now, I’m not claiming Ralph Waldo status… doing so might get me thrown out of many writers ‘Circles’ (If you get that joke, I tip my hat to you.)… But for some reason, the usual fluidity, the non ceasing thought process that continually flows more and more and more… so much that you’re actually laughing to yourself at the pure genius of it all, as you can hardly type fast enough to get it all down… that sweet enjoyment of putting thought after thought on paper and connecting them one at a time by daring and outlandish means… yeah… that thing… is gone.

Why? Because I’ve been thinking about what really matters to people. To me. To you. To someone reading these words right… about… NOW. …

I think I’ve learned that I can’t write about anything of importance. I’ve tried. Hard. And because most of the things that have been going on lately are important to me… I am unable to find non essential things to write about.

As much as I’d like to be able to write about what really matters, to really open up and show what’s inside… I can’t. Not even if I’m the only one to ever read what’s written.

But the ironic thing is, as I look back at the other things I’ve written, I can find a small piece of me inside the words… a vulnerable, unaltered, tell-all piece of me. And maybe I wasn’t trying to hide it, or maybe I was… either way it’s there, and I found it. Can you?

Sunday, April 25, 2010

So Not hOt and Tempting

Can someone please explain to me how this is attractive?

You can't, can you? ... why? Because it's SNOT!

(haha I've always wanted to use that joke)

This would be my ad campaign:

In a business world run mostly by men, climbing the executive
ladder has been almost impossible for women... until now.

Presenting... SNOT: a daring new clothing line for women.

The new 'business casual' from SNOT empowers women to push the envelope in the work place. And we're not talking about the envelope addressed to Martin Thompson and Co. that's sitting on your dimly lighted desk. We're talking about a metaphoric envelope that isn't real and carries nothing of importance inside... except for this: a note saying, 'Our clothing empowers women to wear things to work that would get men fired.' Like our new dress shorts and matching dress flip flops.

You may not be able to work like a man, but now you can dress
like a man, feel like a man, and most importantly, look like a man. A really, really ridiculous man who just got fired for wearing dress shorts.

SNOT: Sooooo Not hOt and Tempting. In stores never!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Why the Suns Can Win the Championship

If dreams are more than dreams, and actually can, somehow, come true… then last night the Phoenix Suns lost to the Utah Jazz in the first game of their first round series... and I cried. Luckily, when I woke up this morning, I found out that my dreams are just dreams... and pillows make really good Kleenex.

As the playoffs are about to begin, I started to daydream about the possibilities. The Suns have been on a tear and I have felt that they can beat anyone. I started telling people that I wanted the Suns to play the Spurs, Mavericks, Lakers, and Cavs, in that order, to win the ‘Ship. ‘Why would you want the hardest road possible to win it all?’ My thinking was, to be the best you have to beat the best. …And get as many monkeys of your back as you can at the same time.

While my daydream was plausible, it was no more real than my dream last night. I now see that reality brings much higher probability for ascendancy to victory.

5. The Suns are HOT!

Best team headed to the playoffs. The Suns are 23-6 since the All-Star break. Really? Yes. Really. They’re finally getting production from Amare Stoudemire and Jason Richardson. Leandro Barbosa is finally healthy. And they are finally playing defense. Really? Yes. Really.

Big blowout wins over Denver and Utah. Getting back to back wins pushed them from 5th to 3rd, locking up home court advantage in the first round and giving them loads of confidence. And not only did they win, they won BIG. They handled both teams easily, carrying 20+ point leads throughout both games. Some of you say, no big deal. But winning a game when you need to… I’d say that’s a pretty big deal. And it’s something both Denver and Utah could not do.

4. Favorable Schedule

No back to backs. Arguably the toughest part of playing in the NBA is the scheduling. Road trips and switching time zones. Playing 5 games in 7 days. Playing on back to back nights. Older legs struggle in back to back games, just ask Steve Nash and Grant Hill, as 9 of their 28 losses during the regular season came on those second nights. Take away back to backs and you can take away a lot of losses. Luckily, they will get plenty of rest between games in the playoffs.

Portland in round one. To be honest… The Suns usually struggle against Portland. And a few weeks ago, I said that the only team we don’t want to face is Portland. They play a slow, deliberate game and have, probably, the best crowd in the NBA. (i.e. Utah and Golden State) But then, something happened. It was like Tanya Harding’s skating-ghost sprang from her skating-coffin from 1994 and took out all her frustrations on Brandon Roy’s knee. (Did you know she was a boxer in the early 2000’s?) With Roy out for the season, the Suns should easily advance to round two versus Dallas/San Antonio. (And by ‘easily’, I mean ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if the Blazers steal a game… or two’. Serious. We really struggle against them.)

Dallas or San Antonio in round 2. Either way, the Suns get a chance for revenge. And what is more motivating than revenge? (See #1)

Maybe the Lakers choke against Denver. The Nuggets should have beaten the Lakers last year. This year they have a chance to prove it (if they beat Utah, of course). And if all goes according to plan… that would be a favorable matchup for Phoenix in the Western Conference finals. (PHX would have home court advantage AND an up-tempo opponent, which they prefer.)

And if the Lakers cruise right into the Western Conference Finals like they're supposed to... expect a battle of epic proportions! The Suns have normally owned the Lakers in the postseason... and most remember the Suns historic comeback after being down 3-1 in the series. Now, this is obviously not the same Lakers team... but neither are the Suns. This year, the Suns have a deeper bench, far better point guard, and history is by our side.

Anyone but the Cavs in the Finals. Really… I’m dead with seriousness.

3. Amare

Is a beast. Amare Stoudemire is averaging 26 points and 10 rebounds per game since the All-Star break. He’s in great shape and his defensive effort is steadily improving. He leads the league in points in the paint (with 1,110 or some absurd number like that). And he knocks down his free throws. No one can stop him. (And many have tried. Ask Anthony Tolliver and Kosta Koufos.)

Round 2- Dirk or Tim (remember 2005?) Amare is playing his best basketball right now, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. The Suns missed the playoffs last year after Amare was poked in the eye and missed the rest of the season with a detached retina. The two games right before that the Suns scored 140 points in BOTH games. The Suns are dangerous with a healthy Amare Stoudemire. Neither Dirk or Tim are athletic or quick enough to hang with Amare. In 2005, Amare averaged 37 points per game against Duncan in the playoffs. (Yes, the Spurs won, but Joe Johnson had a broken face.) And that was a much younger, more agile Tim Duncan.

2. Style of Play

Efficient Offense/Solid Defense. The Suns lead the league in points per game 110, FG 49.2% and 3FG 41.2% and they’re 4th in assists per game. Yes, they are their usual offensive-juggernautish selves. But more importantly, their defense has improved incredibly. They’re 6th in rebounding and 11th in blocked shots. Surprised?

Second Unit. Everyone knows about Leandro Barbosa after his 2007 Sixth Man of the Year campaign when he averaged 18 ppg off the bench. But what about the rest of these guys? Jared Dudley and Channing Frye are among the league leaders in both 3 point% and 3 pointers made. Louis Amundson has become a force in the middle, and is ranked 10th in the league in blocks per 48 minutes played at 3.00. And probably most improved is Goran Dragic. He still struggles through growing pains, but he has improved his shooting and decision making. This scrappy bunch’s job is clear. Hold the lead. But when they’re on top of their game and are actually extending the lead, you will not beat the Suns.

Chemistry. (From Bill Simmons) Wednesday night, Phoenix at Utah. If the Suns lose, they land a 4-seed and a preferable matchup with Denver (who plays an open style that favors Phoenix). If they win, they jump to a 3-seed and a tougher matchup with Portland (more size, slowdown style, great crowd). General manager Steve Kerr heads to the locker room that night thinking, "We should bench the older guys (Nash and Hill), play our subs and settle for the 4-seed." What happens? Everyone wants to play. Better yet, they're excited to play. Kerr talks it over with Alvin Gentry; they decide to go for it and end up winning by 20. In their euphoric locker room afterwards, Grant Hill tells Kerr that the Suns have better chemistry than any team he's ever played for. And he means it. … Those are the stories I need to hear about my title contenders.

1. Steve Nash

Past Playoff Pains. Steve Nash has been through a lot in recent years. In 2005, the Suns star shooting guard Joe Johnson suffered a displaced fracture of the left orbital bone in Game 2 of their second round series with Dallas. They limped into to the Western Conference Finals to take on the San Antonio Spurs. The Suns lost 4-1.

In 2006, Amare Stoudemire had knee surgery and was shut down for all but a few games of the season. A run to the Western Conference Finals ended against the Mavs.

In 2007, the Suns played the Spurs again, this time in the Semifinals. Nash's nose split in game one. A Robert Horry flagrant foul on Nash in game 4 earned him an ejection from the ballgame and caused Amaré Stoudemire and Boris Diaw to leave their seats on the bench. For his actions, Horry would be suspended for each of the next two contests in the series. STAT and Diaw were suspended for the pivotal Game 5 back in Phoenix. Without two of their primary low-post players, the Suns put on one of the gutsiest performances the game has seen in quite some time – at least for three quarters that is. They ran out of gas in the 4th quarter, lost 88-85, and eventually lost the series.

In 2008, the Tim Duncan 3 pointer. Just mentioning it makes me shake my head in disgust.

In 2009, the Suns failed to make the playoffs after losing Amare Stoudemire to a season ending eye injury.

In 2010,… please… just no more injuries and no more Duncan threes. Please.

4th MVP. First of all, look at these numbers: 16.5 PPG, 11.0 APG, 51% FG, 43% 3FG, 94% FT. Now tell me who is even close? (Maybe Chris Paul, if he hadn’t gotten injured.) Steve Nash is STILL the best point guard in the NBA. He’s led the league in assists 4 times, all after turning 30 years old. Did I mention he’s now 36? The guy is magnificent. He’s won two MVP awards (should have won a 3rd) and I could argue he’s in the top 5 this year. He makes everyone around him better. He’s the ultimate teammate and an even ultimate-er competitor.

Remember at the beginning of the year how all the haters said the Suns wouldn’t make the playoffs? Remember how all the so-called experts said the Suns were bound for the lottery or would maybe get the 8th seed? To all of you at ESPN I say, Remember how we have Steve Nash?

So, can the Suns win the Championship? You tell me.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I’ve been thinking about this post for a really long time. I just haven’t gotten around to it. But Canadia has waited long enough… and especially all my Canadian fans. You know who you are. (I really don’t know who you are… do I actually have a Canadian fan??? Probably not if I keep calling it Canadia.)

Canada: The Great White North. The forehead of America. (I now see the difference between Canada and any stereotypical teenaged forehead… none. Craters, snow capped mountains, oil fields… I think you get the picture. And it’s not pretty.) Why dost thou haunt me in my dreams, with your fluffy white snow and ever inviting barren landscape?

Okay, so I don’t really know what is in Canada… besides lumberjacks and some silly French wannabes. But when I look at the map… I don’t see much. Except for the Hudson Bay… which is HUGE. It’s like a giant black hole in the universe, and is just about the same size. Does it seem like the Hudson Bay is a lot bigger than normal bays? Maybe it picks on the other bays… Bully of Bays. (Not to be confused with Billy Mays.)

The other thing I notice on the map are Canadian cities: Montreal, Toronto, and Vancouver. But aren’t they really US cities? I mean, they’re right on the border! Did the Founding Fathers of our great nation make a mistake by not pushing the border just a little bit further north? Maybe. Did they overlook the economic or commercial potential of said cities? Possibly. Did they just throw Canada a bone? Most definitely.

In the words of the great John Adams, “We can’t take all the northern settlements… we need someone of which to make fun.”

The echo of that profound statement rings true today.

So while America was waging war for liberty and establishing a country of freedoms, our northern brother was copying Britain to establish Parliament. The first task of this most esteemed order was to establish a name for which their country would be recognized across the globe. A name that would stand for truth… a name that would strike fear into the hearts of those who heard it… a name that, when uttered, would turn blood to ice.

They tried everything. The name ‘Parantia’ was too silly. ‘Trogglehum’ was too Nordic. And ‘Larry’ just made them laugh and laugh. Parliament soon found this to be a much more serious problem than they had anticipated. How could they run a country if they couldn’t even give it a name? So amidst the laughter they decided to put the problem to rest. They decided to gather all the letters of the alphabet and put them in a long, black top hat. They would then draw, from the hat, the letters that would form the name of their great nation. This they did. “C, eh?” “N, eh?” “D, eh?”

(Man, that was a lot of work for just one measly little joke. But hey, I got to make fun of Canada, so it was so worth it!)

But while I’m on the subject… I think that if I ever went to Canada, I would go to Vancouver. It’s supposed to be amazing. It’s also supposed to be just like Seattle.

Speaking of Vancouver, how about those 2010 Olympic Games?! That was so nice of Canada to invite the US over for a ‘house warming party’… only to be dominated in a friendly competition of ‘Parcheesi’. The same game of ‘Parcheesi’ that they supposedly invented. (This is kind of a crummy analogy and I’m sorry… but substitute ‘Olympics’ for ‘house warming party’ and ‘winter sports’ for ‘parcheesi’ and you might just get what I’m trying to say.)

(And I just noticed that I hate semi-colons… I never know when to use them. I was just about to use one and then I thought, Hmmm I’m not sure if I should. What does it mean to use a semi colon? I don’t know.)

And I should give a salute to the US Men’s Hockey Team for a great Olympics! You made America care, even if it was for just one day. You beat Canada once… and then barley lost to that same Canada team in the Gold Medal game. But hey, that’s nothing to hang your head about. That’s like what happened Bartuvious, from Ancient Greece.

Bartuvious was a mere mortal destined to do amazing things. After defeating all the gods in the grandest of all tournaments, he fought off the Titans on his way up Mount Olympus! He finally reached his ultimate destiny!… only to be zapped by Zeus and his stupid lightning bolt.

Was Bartuvious upset? Sure, maybe a little. Was he bitter? Oh, never! For he knew that the only one who was truly bitter was Zeus. He’s wearing a thinly layered dress/cloak thingy on the top of a super high mountain. It’s freezing cold up there! Dare I say bitter cold? That’s right Canada. Face.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

March Insane-ness

I hate Winter. Whoever thought of Winter should consider these improvements: snow that looks and tastes like Sno-cones, reindeer BBQ, and/or t-shirts that are overcoats in disguise.

That being said, there is nothing I look forward to more than the season after winter. Sunshine, warm weather, and PJ's all day, every day. Yes, I'm talking about March Madness. Lets be honest. I don't leave my couch.

With BYU looking poised to make a run in the tournament... things couldn't be much wackier. Well, maybe they could be. Here's a discussion about BYU's star player, Jimmer Fredette.

Jason: It’s really hard for me to cheer for a team whose best player is named Jimmer.

Bart: Really? But he’s soooo Jimmer.

Jason: That is such a terrible name though…

Bart: Yeah but he’s a baller… So is Michael Lloyd Jr.

Jason: Yeah that Lloyd kid is quick. A lot like myself.

Bart: Not really. You’re slow, white and very NOT gangster.

Jason: First of all I am really hood. Second, a black kid from BYU is the opposite of gangsta.

Bart: Like I said he’s gangster not gangsta. Big difference. Plus, he’s from Vegas… he’s totally gangster.

Jason: I’m from Sun Valley! That’s a lot more hood.

(Jimmer knocks down a crossover, step-back three…)

Bart: JIMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jason: I see your enthusiasm, but I still don’t understand why his parents would do that to the poor kid.

Bart: I think they were impressionists. Jimmer is a name that you never forget.

Jason: That’s true. Kinda like Larry. Or Floyd.

Bart: Not really like Floyd. There’s a guy in my class named Floyd, I forget his name all the time. But I’ll tell you what… If I had a wife and she was pregnant, I wouldn’t think twice about naming my kid Jimmer.

Jason: I decided to start calling Mac Dad ‘Jimmer’ and he seems to be happy about it.

Bart: Mac Dad will always be Mac Dad…

Jason: Not anymore… he likes to be called Jimmer.

Bart: And who wouldn’t? ? Jimmer is classic… like Archibald… or Tiberius.

Jason: Tiberius? That is a whole lot classier than Jimmer. Jimmer sounds like a toothless redneck at Big Country Speedway.

Bart: Oh… now I can see why Mac Dad likes it…

Jason. Yeah… Mac Dad is a classy guy. I do enjoy Jimmer’s set shots and layups.

Bart: Set shots? More like crossover, step-back threes!!!

Jason: I only saw one. The rest was the classic white guy game.

Bart: If by ‘classic’ you mean ‘yankee’… then yes. The dude hails from New York.

Jason: That’s not at all what I meant. Regardless of where he’s from, he plays like Jerry West.

Bart: Did Mac Dad tell you to say that?

Jason: Huh?

Bart: You don’t know who Jerry West is, do you?

Jason: …

Bart: Jerry West is in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

Jason: …

Bart: He’s the NBA logo.

Jason: Oh yeah, the white silhouette… I’m not saying Jimmer is bad. I’m just saying he has that classic white-guy game. I feel like Jimmer is a quicker Lyle Gadbury.

Bart: Well… I’m pretty sure my dad taught him that scoop shot… and I think their feet are the same size…

Jason: Lyle does have an unstoppable scoop shot. Jimmer just needs to work on the running hook and he will be the next logo.

Bart: I can see it now. They just need to change the colors from red, white, and blue to white, off white, and transparent. It would attract a whole new generation of white players.

Jason: I think that is exactly what the NBA needs. It would be like the 1950’s all over again.

Bart: Awesome! I love poodle skirts!

Jason: Wearing them?

Bart: Wha??

Jason: You love wearing poodle skirts.

Bart: Um… psshhhhh… no…

Jason: Are you lying?

Bart: Uh… no… Are you?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Suns trade Amare?

After a torrid start to the season, the Phoenix Suns suddenly find themselves in the 8th and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. And after two losses in a row (both winnable games @ Utah and at home against Charlotte), they seem to be scratching their heads in bewilderment. The difference between their 10-1 start and their more recent 16-20 record? Defense.

Does that surprise you? It shouldn’t. Phoenix has been notoriously known for its up-tempo offense and, consequently, non-existent defense. After blowing a 17 point lead in Utah, and giving up 9 straight points in OT against Charlotte, something must be done to get a more defensive minded team. My vote? Get better defensive players.

The first player to go: Amare Stoudemire. Amare has been rumored in trade talks for well over a year now, and if the Suns want to get any value for him they need to trade him before the February deadline. Otherwise, he’ll just walk after this year and the Suns will be left with nothing. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Amare. He’s one of the most dominant big-men in the game, offensively. But with Steve Nash running the offense almost ANYONE can be dominant on offense. Take Robin Lopez for example. The second-year Lopez has scored in double figures in 6 of his last 8 games, while getting starter’s minutes.

The problem with Amare is his defense. ‘But he averages over a block per game,’ you say. Well, that’s the one or two possessions he actually plays defense. The rest of the game he just floats around. And for arguably the most athletic big-man in the NBA, Amare’s rebounding is downright poor.

If the Suns are going to make a move, they need to target defensive dominant players who have the athleticism and potential to explode offensively alongside Nash. I targeted one team in the Eastern Conference (heaven forbid we trade Amare to the Spurs or Jazz), the Chicago Bulls.

The Phoenix Suns trade Amare Stoudemire to the Chicago Bulls for Tyrus Thomas, Kirk Hinrich, and James Johnson. Why I would do this trade:

1) Thomas is a defensive force that has all the skill sets that Amare does. He’s athletic and he can shoot the mid-range jumper. He’s not the FT shooter Amare is, but he has the most upside of any player in the NBA. He’s on Vinny Del Negro’s bad list and with the emergence of Taj Gibson, they would be willing to part with Thomas.

2) Kirk Hinrich would be invaluable as Nash’s backup. Especially now that Barbosa is out with injury, and Dragic developing more as a shooting guard, the Suns need another point guard. Plus, Hinrich has been rumored in various trade talks. Another piece the Bulls are willing to part with.

3) Get as much value as possible out of Amare. James Johnson has untapped talent. With Grant Hill reaching the end of his career, Johnson would be a great player to develop in the Suns system. (Johnson was the guy they wanted in the draft anyways.) If that means throwing Taylor Griffin in the trade, then so be it.

One more trade that I would love to see for the Suns, and I’m certain they would as well: Jason Richardson and Jason Collins to Golden State for Steph Curry, Andris Biedrins, and Raja Bell. This trade is far less likely, as both teams are enamored with Curry. But hey, if we’re gonna trade, lets trade!

Now whether the Suns can pull this off or not… who knows. Hopefully Steve Kerr isn’t a bonehead and trades Amare for nothing. But hey, it wouldn’t be the first time.