Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I’ve been thinking about this post for a really long time. I just haven’t gotten around to it. But Canadia has waited long enough… and especially all my Canadian fans. You know who you are. (I really don’t know who you are… do I actually have a Canadian fan??? Probably not if I keep calling it Canadia.)

Canada: The Great White North. The forehead of America. (I now see the difference between Canada and any stereotypical teenaged forehead… none. Craters, snow capped mountains, oil fields… I think you get the picture. And it’s not pretty.) Why dost thou haunt me in my dreams, with your fluffy white snow and ever inviting barren landscape?

Okay, so I don’t really know what is in Canada… besides lumberjacks and some silly French wannabes. But when I look at the map… I don’t see much. Except for the Hudson Bay… which is HUGE. It’s like a giant black hole in the universe, and is just about the same size. Does it seem like the Hudson Bay is a lot bigger than normal bays? Maybe it picks on the other bays… Bully of Bays. (Not to be confused with Billy Mays.)

The other thing I notice on the map are Canadian cities: Montreal, Toronto, and Vancouver. But aren’t they really US cities? I mean, they’re right on the border! Did the Founding Fathers of our great nation make a mistake by not pushing the border just a little bit further north? Maybe. Did they overlook the economic or commercial potential of said cities? Possibly. Did they just throw Canada a bone? Most definitely.

In the words of the great John Adams, “We can’t take all the northern settlements… we need someone of which to make fun.”

The echo of that profound statement rings true today.

So while America was waging war for liberty and establishing a country of freedoms, our northern brother was copying Britain to establish Parliament. The first task of this most esteemed order was to establish a name for which their country would be recognized across the globe. A name that would stand for truth… a name that would strike fear into the hearts of those who heard it… a name that, when uttered, would turn blood to ice.

They tried everything. The name ‘Parantia’ was too silly. ‘Trogglehum’ was too Nordic. And ‘Larry’ just made them laugh and laugh. Parliament soon found this to be a much more serious problem than they had anticipated. How could they run a country if they couldn’t even give it a name? So amidst the laughter they decided to put the problem to rest. They decided to gather all the letters of the alphabet and put them in a long, black top hat. They would then draw, from the hat, the letters that would form the name of their great nation. This they did. “C, eh?” “N, eh?” “D, eh?”

(Man, that was a lot of work for just one measly little joke. But hey, I got to make fun of Canada, so it was so worth it!)

But while I’m on the subject… I think that if I ever went to Canada, I would go to Vancouver. It’s supposed to be amazing. It’s also supposed to be just like Seattle.

Speaking of Vancouver, how about those 2010 Olympic Games?! That was so nice of Canada to invite the US over for a ‘house warming party’… only to be dominated in a friendly competition of ‘Parcheesi’. The same game of ‘Parcheesi’ that they supposedly invented. (This is kind of a crummy analogy and I’m sorry… but substitute ‘Olympics’ for ‘house warming party’ and ‘winter sports’ for ‘parcheesi’ and you might just get what I’m trying to say.)

(And I just noticed that I hate semi-colons… I never know when to use them. I was just about to use one and then I thought, Hmmm I’m not sure if I should. What does it mean to use a semi colon? I don’t know.)

And I should give a salute to the US Men’s Hockey Team for a great Olympics! You made America care, even if it was for just one day. You beat Canada once… and then barley lost to that same Canada team in the Gold Medal game. But hey, that’s nothing to hang your head about. That’s like what happened Bartuvious, from Ancient Greece.

Bartuvious was a mere mortal destined to do amazing things. After defeating all the gods in the grandest of all tournaments, he fought off the Titans on his way up Mount Olympus! He finally reached his ultimate destiny!… only to be zapped by Zeus and his stupid lightning bolt.

Was Bartuvious upset? Sure, maybe a little. Was he bitter? Oh, never! For he knew that the only one who was truly bitter was Zeus. He’s wearing a thinly layered dress/cloak thingy on the top of a super high mountain. It’s freezing cold up there! Dare I say bitter cold? That’s right Canada. Face.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

March Insane-ness

I hate Winter. Whoever thought of Winter should consider these improvements: snow that looks and tastes like Sno-cones, reindeer BBQ, and/or t-shirts that are overcoats in disguise.

That being said, there is nothing I look forward to more than the season after winter. Sunshine, warm weather, and PJ's all day, every day. Yes, I'm talking about March Madness. Lets be honest. I don't leave my couch.

With BYU looking poised to make a run in the tournament... things couldn't be much wackier. Well, maybe they could be. Here's a discussion about BYU's star player, Jimmer Fredette.

Jason: It’s really hard for me to cheer for a team whose best player is named Jimmer.

Bart: Really? But he’s soooo Jimmer.

Jason: That is such a terrible name though…

Bart: Yeah but he’s a baller… So is Michael Lloyd Jr.

Jason: Yeah that Lloyd kid is quick. A lot like myself.

Bart: Not really. You’re slow, white and very NOT gangster.

Jason: First of all I am really hood. Second, a black kid from BYU is the opposite of gangsta.

Bart: Like I said he’s gangster not gangsta. Big difference. Plus, he’s from Vegas… he’s totally gangster.

Jason: I’m from Sun Valley! That’s a lot more hood.

(Jimmer knocks down a crossover, step-back three…)

Bart: JIMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jason: I see your enthusiasm, but I still don’t understand why his parents would do that to the poor kid.

Bart: I think they were impressionists. Jimmer is a name that you never forget.

Jason: That’s true. Kinda like Larry. Or Floyd.

Bart: Not really like Floyd. There’s a guy in my class named Floyd, I forget his name all the time. But I’ll tell you what… If I had a wife and she was pregnant, I wouldn’t think twice about naming my kid Jimmer.

Jason: I decided to start calling Mac Dad ‘Jimmer’ and he seems to be happy about it.

Bart: Mac Dad will always be Mac Dad…

Jason: Not anymore… he likes to be called Jimmer.

Bart: And who wouldn’t? ? Jimmer is classic… like Archibald… or Tiberius.

Jason: Tiberius? That is a whole lot classier than Jimmer. Jimmer sounds like a toothless redneck at Big Country Speedway.

Bart: Oh… now I can see why Mac Dad likes it…

Jason. Yeah… Mac Dad is a classy guy. I do enjoy Jimmer’s set shots and layups.

Bart: Set shots? More like crossover, step-back threes!!!

Jason: I only saw one. The rest was the classic white guy game.

Bart: If by ‘classic’ you mean ‘yankee’… then yes. The dude hails from New York.

Jason: That’s not at all what I meant. Regardless of where he’s from, he plays like Jerry West.

Bart: Did Mac Dad tell you to say that?

Jason: Huh?

Bart: You don’t know who Jerry West is, do you?

Jason: …

Bart: Jerry West is in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

Jason: …

Bart: He’s the NBA logo.

Jason: Oh yeah, the white silhouette… I’m not saying Jimmer is bad. I’m just saying he has that classic white-guy game. I feel like Jimmer is a quicker Lyle Gadbury.

Bart: Well… I’m pretty sure my dad taught him that scoop shot… and I think their feet are the same size…

Jason: Lyle does have an unstoppable scoop shot. Jimmer just needs to work on the running hook and he will be the next logo.

Bart: I can see it now. They just need to change the colors from red, white, and blue to white, off white, and transparent. It would attract a whole new generation of white players.

Jason: I think that is exactly what the NBA needs. It would be like the 1950’s all over again.

Bart: Awesome! I love poodle skirts!

Jason: Wearing them?

Bart: Wha??

Jason: You love wearing poodle skirts.

Bart: Um… psshhhhh… no…

Jason: Are you lying?

Bart: Uh… no… Are you?