Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Contest You DON'T Want to Win

I'm starting a friendly competition, and currently, I'm winning. Whoever can give me the best topic to write about wins an awesome prize. (Remember: my definition of 'awesome' and your definition of 'awesome' might be completely different.) No but really... let me know if you have anything that you'd like to see me tackle. (Figuratively, of course. I really don't want to pop another rib out of place.) Just comment with your idea on this post and you've entered the contest! There I go... just winning myself to the top.

Remember winning is everything, unless losing gets you ice cream.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's a Doggone World

The other day I was driving on the interstate. My vocal replications of Band of Horses were oddly interrupted by a Bichon Frise… with goggles… on the back of a Harley. It might have looked something, but not necessarily, like this:

I chuckled to myself as I passed this casual canine, but have since more seriously pondered what I saw. Goggles… on a dog…?

Where did this fad come from? Do you remember any of these famous K-9s wearing goggles?

Anyone who is a dog owner, or friend of a dog owner, (or, quite honestly, anyone who has petted, has chased, has been chased by, has been barked at by, or has even seen a dog) knows that dogs love the wind in their faces. It’s common knowledge. Just like the fact that pigs have wings and shaving makes your beard grow in thicker.

And what dogs love, even more than wind, is even more wind. I’m sure you’ve noticed drivers with their windows cracked. At first glance you might think ‘smoker’. (That's very stereotypical of you.) But I ask you to glance again… to re-glance, if you will. And I will.

First, you’ll notice that it’s the back windows that are cracked, not the front. Red flag. Second, you’ll notice the partial face of a dog sticking out. Really red flag. Third, if you drive directly behind them, you will be able to wash your windshield without using any of your windshield wiper fluid. White flag. (If you actually do this, you should probably throw in the towel of life.)

But have you noticed, the more they roll down the window, the more dog-head you see? And don’t get me started on dogs in the back of trucks! They go as fast as they can from one side to the other: “What does it smell like over here? Oh, almost the same as… over here! Except this one’s a little different. Smells like orange color. ...And this side smells like burnt orange!” (Yes, dogs smell colors.) I don’t know if it’s the smells, the sights, or just the feeling that they’re flying, but dogs love high powered wind.

I didn’t see Toto running from any tornadoes. No sir/ma’am. Toto was barking like a lunatic, facing that twister head-on, ready for the ride of his life… and what did Dorothy do? Took him to a automobile-less land of midgets and flying monkeys. Typical girl move. (Yes, monkeys have wings too.) I’m sure Toto’s flying monkey ride was the thrill of the trip, but I’m also sure that a tornado ride would have blown that monkey ride… away. (Wow, that works on so many levels.)
I'm also going to take this time to blame Dorothy for the ridiculous notion that 'high-culture' girls need to carry little dogs in their purses/bags. (Yes, this is Dorothy's fault.)

I hope Toto ruined the picnic, (if you know what I mean), and if you put your dog in your purse, I hope your dog ruins your 'picnic' too.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is: Don’t put goggles on your Bichon Frise. (Unless you want to protect their eyes from harmful UV rays. If you want to do that… buy doggles!)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Your Wildest (Story) Can Come True!

The other day I saw this video on Sportscenter: Shaq vs Phelps! This got me really excited because I wrote about a potential Shaq/Phelps matchup last year. After I saw this...

Read what I wrote about it here: The Black Michael Phelps

And they did it! Produced by the one and only... Steve Nash!! (do you think he read my blog??? What if he's reading... right NOW!? Hey, Steve. Uh... I have your shoes...? )

Watch the full episode of Shaq vs Phelps here!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

10 Things to Remember When Flying

1. Never fall asleep before you get your complimentary beverage. It’s free. And it’s cranberry apple juice. ‘Nuff said.

2. Always ask for 'no ice' in your complimentary beverage. Someone once said that 'less is more', (before today I would say that they were completely ridiculous and a raving lunatic, because less is definitely less, not more… but in this case they are absolutely right.) Less ice means more delectable cranberry apple juice. They store the drinks in a cooler anyways, so you don't even need ice.

3. Always ask for a second complimentary beverage. Especially if your flying buddy declines the opportunity to taste the nectar of the gods (cranberry apple). Cranapple squared equals heaven. Plus it’s free. So I believe the correct equation is: cranapple squared plus free equals heaven times infinity cubed. (Not ice cubed, just numerically cubed.)

4. Always take headphones. I mean, you could use the ones you just found wedged between the two seats in front of you. (I'm sure the prewaxed earbuds would slide quite comfortably into your ear canals. PS- Do you think mixing ear wax is a bad thing? What if it's like mixing blood? I guess they don't call them hearing AIDS for nothing.) But having your own pair is a much needed commodity when there are two screaming infants in the seat directly behind you.

5. Don't take screaming infants. Especially if they're teething. The only thing worse than an extremely frightened baby is an extremely frightened, teething baby on an airplane. Combine that with loud engines, turbulence, and a dark, drafty cabin and you're gonna get a baby that screams at the top of its lungs for 3 straight hours. I didn't think it was possible. I now know it is.

6. Don't sit in front of screaming infants. Especially if you don't have headphones. (Please refer to items 4 and 5.) It also helps to note that the child will continue to scream no matter how many times you look back in concern/annoyance/disgust.

(I'm still audibly laughing at my hearing AIDS comment, I hope you are too.)

7. Be the first to use the lavatory. There are a lot of reasons why… I’ll just say this: a cool seat is much nicer than a warm one.

8. Don’t talk to acquaintances. A college buddy, a former work associate, a new acquaintance… I hate to tell you this but they just might not remember you. Even though you met them yesterday… at a family gathering.

9. Don't talk to strangers. Now this could be a little harder for some of you who are little Chatty Cathys and can't go 5 minutes without saying something. But flying is the perfect time to practice being quiet. Read, pretend you can read, sleep, pretend to sleep, jam out to tunes. Just don't talk to anyone. Hopefully this example will illustrate what I mean. Upon arrival at your assigned gate, you glance around at the other passengers and try to guess which one will be your traveling partner. The nicely dressed, older man (with glasses) a few feet away does the same thing. You make eye contact, and you nod with a closed smile as a sign of acknowledgement. After responding to a few text messages and checking the scores on ESPN MVP, you once again glance up and notice him looking at you. You notice this happens a few more times and shrug it off as a sign that he thinks he recognizes you from somewhere.

You courteously say 'Hello.' as you pass him to board the plane. But once again, you feel a little odd when he ends up sitting in one of the seats across the aisle. Although you make no attempt to mimic his actions, you feel him looking at you throughout the duration of the flight. 'I'm not the one with the screaming baby,' you seem to think.

You've finally made it off the plane, through the baggage claim, and onto the shuttle which will take you to the Economy Parking Lot. The bus is packed and letting this family of three off at their stop will require careful manuvering. You shuffle a few suitcases and rearrange a few bodies. You set your bag down again and look up. Once again, you make eye contact with the man with glasses, and you smile a closed smile while you nod in acknowledgement.... and you get off the shuttle even though your car is at the other end of the lot.

10. Always, always, ALWAYS take headphones. You don’t even need an ipod or an mp3 player… just take the headphones and pretend. Trust me.