Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Meet Anna the Elf

This is Anna the Elf. University of Wyoming cheerleader, former Miss Wyoming and Miss America contestant. She dominates at Dungeons and Dragons while wearing glitter. And she's my friend. (We are friends, Anna the Elf, right? Maybe? Can you nod for me...? How about a shoulder shrug? You gotta at least give me a shoulder shrug...) Now, I know what you're thinking: "She doesn't look like an Elf." And thats exactly what an elf would want you to think. Don't let looks deceive you. She's got special elvin powers... or whatever it is elves do besides bake cookies in trees and make toys for the Bearded One up at the NP. If you have questions, maybe you should take it up with her, she would know. She's an elf.

I decided to carry on the tradition of sharing some of my GREAT conversations with you all. This one is up there among the best. Thanks, Anna. And you're welcome, Internet.

Anna Nelson: Microsoft Word, It's 4:30 in the morning. I've been up all night trying desperately to get stuff done before finals start in five and a half hours. I know that you've been up just as long and are probably just as tired, but STOP UNDERLINING WORDS IN RED WHEN THEY ARE CLEARLY SPELLED CORRECTLY. I'm cranky, I'm exhausted, and I DO NOT have the patience for your games, Word.

Bart Jamal Gadbury mind games. with a computer? I wonder who won that battle...

Anna Nelson Oh I did. My computer quickly remembered that I can viciously smash it to pieces with a hammer at any given moment and went, "You know what? You're right, Anna. I'll quit."

Bart Jamal Gadbury can't you cast spells or summon things with your elf power? I would think that would be much more terrorizing than a hammer...?

Anna Nelson Yeah, but my people are super busy making toys this time of year, and I just didn't have the time to whip up a really intimidating spell. The hammer was much closer, and still made for a pretty effective threat.

Bart Jamal Gadbury they'd better be busy. I put in a pretty big order for the Bearded One...

Anna Nelson Yeah I saw. And I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this Bart, but we're not authorized to give out social lives for Christmas. No matter how many teardrop stains there are on one's Christmas List.

Bart Jamal Gadbury And here I was, planning on leaving a little extra egg nog and cookies out for the Satin Red Mammoth (aka St Nic) to share with the one and only Anna the Elf... looks like that plan is going to have to change.

Anna Nelson It's not MY fault. I didn't write the Elf Rules. If I had, we wouldn't build cookies in flammable trees or have let Orlando Bloom join our club. But as it is I have some limitations, and I'm sorry.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Why you dissin' on your Keebler Kuzins? (See what I did there? double K...) And since you aren't going to help me with my one christmas wish, I'm going to have to resort to Plan B. I'm going to have to apologize ahead of time... I'm sorry, Anna.

Anna Nelson There has been no "dissin'". I'm concerned for their safety. It's incredibly hazardous to operate a boatload of ovens inside of giant wooden structures, no matter how adorable. And I think that you're overreacting. We can still get you the Polly Pocket Dream Set that you ordered, so just calm yourself down.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Am i really overreacting? Polly Pocket was a backup, a last resort, a sub. (A rather excellent last resort, I might add.) But thats beside the point. If I don't have my Social Life neatly wrapped in sparkly wrapping paper sitting under my tree on Christmas morning, I'm afraid it will be the end of your illustrious career at NP. (That's hipster street lingo for the 'North Pole'.)

Anna Nelson Is that a threat, Mr. Gadbury? Because keep it up and I'll cancel your Polly Pocket order. I'll do it right now.

Bart Jamal Gadbury A threat? I don't give out threats. The only thing I give out are warnings... and promises... and promise rings, ring pops, the occasional stick of gum, and hot tips on the latest catwalk fashions... you're treading on very thin ice, Anna the Elf... and i don't care if the NP Weather Bug says you're actually standing on a glacier thats millions of feet thick. (My ice metaphor is figurative, and its very thin.)

Anna Nelson When were you giving out ring pops and gum, and why was I not invited to THAT party? I don't think you wanna starting something with an elf. I'll take you out with my "Sly Flourish." I'm only allowed to use that once apparently, but once will be enough.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Yeah, but how are you going to use it on me when you're banished to the Island of Misfit Toys. That's right Anna. This is what's going to happen. You're gonna break your little Elf Rules (they're little because they pertain to elves, obviously) and get me my Social Life or else I'm going to take that hammer that you should have used on your computer and smash your tiny little elvin hand. Once Magical White Beard (also St. Nic) sees you falling behind in toy production. He's going to exile you to the Island of Misfit Toys, you will be known as "Elvinus Rejectus" (latin term) and your banishment will last through 7 eternities.

Anna Nelson You would really break a little elf's hand and banish it to a faraway island just because she couldn't build you friends? Real mature, Bart. REAL MATURE.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Excuse me, did I say I was done????? Why does Mr. Rosy McFats Hats (yeah, still St Nic) send misfit elves to the Island of MIsfit Toys? The misfit elf then has to work on the misfit toys forever, never able to fix them. The physical exile is bad enough, but the psychological torment of never amounting to anything is a snowflakey hell. (I tried to winterize hell for you to make it less intimidating for you. Snowflakey at least made it cuter.) Aaaaaand.... now I'm done.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Plus you'll have a broken hand.

Anna Nelson You really think that SANTA CLAUSE (see me using his real name? Yeah, he'll remember that later) would do something like that to me, his favorite elf? The Island of Misfit Toys is reserved for bad elves who do things like move Frosty into the sun while he's sleeping or accept bribes for switching kids to the Nice List (which is why SANTA CLAUSE has to check it twice, incidentally). I'm in the clear. You'll break my hand, but hands heal. Just take your Polly Pocket and be grateful.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Hands may heal, Anna the Elf, but hearts don't. And you just broke mine.

Anna Nelson Hey man, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you immature. And threatened to obliterate you with my Sly Flourish (which was never really that big of a deal, since I don't know how to use it anyway). If I could build you friends, I totally would. But sometimes things just aren't meant to be, and we need to learn how to be okay with those things and move on with our lives.

Bart Jamal Gadbury by 'moving on with our lives' do you mean 'posting this entire conversation to your blog'... because thats whats happening. Right now.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Is the NBA going to play in 2012?