17- Dan and Thalia get Engaged
(The setting: the old house on 1st East)
Dan and Thalia enter the doorway, Dan holding her hand up to show everyone the rock.
Together: “We’re engaged!”
Bart: Oh really? Engaged in what? Arm wrestling? A tussle? A deep and articulate conversation?
D & T just look at Bart. Bart just looks back, still earnestly seeking an answer.
D: To be married…
B: Well, duh! Everyone knows that! The producer of the show put the title of the show up before you guys even got here… even our TV viewers watching from home already knew you two were getting married. See… it’s still there. (Pointing down so if you're watching TV it looks like he's pointing at the bottom of the screen… Title changes from ‘Dan and Thalia get engaged’ to Dan and thalia ARE engaged’)
D: So you’re saying you already knew?
B: Yeah, why else would I suggest you were arm wrestling? I thought you were going to tell us that you were engaged in something we didn’t already know about. I mean, who goes around telling people all the things they already know. “Hello, fireman. You fight fires.” “Hello, Oprah. You’re a rich black woman.” “Oh hello man with a monkey on your face. You have a monkey on your face.”
Andre is sitting on the couch filing his nails: This is all just...well, you know...engaging…
B: Wait a sec... Dan you're getting married? I didn't even know you had a GF.
Dan steps slightly to the side of Thalia and shows her like Vannah White.
Bart just stares, Dan reemphasizes with a head nod…. Bart leaves
Girl1: Congrats! But you can’t add more little Criddles to the world!?
Andre still filing: With a last name like 'Criddle' he sure can!
Thalia: More Criddles!? Who said anything about more Criddles?
Andre still hasn’t moved: It’ll go down in history.
Bart runs back into the room and hugs Dan around the stomach, because that's normal: FIVE IRON FRENZY????!!!!!! DAN I LOVE YOU! Have MY babies???!!!
Dan: Um, you'll have to ask Thal about that one. I'm thinking she wouldn't be such a big fan.
B: Hey Thalia… would you be a big fan if Dan had my babies?
She stares with one eyebrow up.
B: Hmmm… how about just a fan… a regular old normal fan?
She walks off.
Bart to Dan: That just made my day... even though she semi-rejected the notion of you having my babies, you just gave a shout out to FIF! I'll take a Five Iron shout out over her acceptance anyday... over breathing even.
D: Well good thing you can have both.
B: So... you're saying you'll have my babies? ...
D: What?? No, that would be three things; (Steps up to the whiteboard with a ruler) Five iron shout out + Breathing + Having babies = 1 too many things.
B: So... you're saying I can choose 3 things minus 1 too many things?... ?
Dan: No, you have to set one side equal to zero. Subtract one too many things and you are left with the two things that are not too much.
B: Oh, ok. Why didn’t you just say that? Well obviously I choose Five Iron... thats a no brainer... and I also choose.... hmmm... jalapeno custard?
Dan: Sure, but I'll probably have to get that from Japan, which really counts as two things, so I'll have to take back the Five Iron Frenzy shout-out when I hand you the custard, or you could keep the shout-out and just watch the jalapeno custard dissimilate in my hands; which is kind of like eating it with your eyes....
B: (in a daze) mmm... I like eye eating
D: ... as opposed to eating eyes which is just reprehensible.
B: Oh gross! Who would do such a thing, besides Vietnamese and Arctic Nomads?
B: Yeah, I have a problem with my Irish too. Do you think i should go to the optometrist?
B: Yeah, you're right. The pediatric surgeon would be a much better choice.
Everyone’s sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn… Bart leans over to Thalia…
Bart to Thalia: How about a fair weather fan? You can be a fan on nice spring, summer, or fall days… and maybe even a few days in winter… just not during a blizzard or on days I go to the dentist…. ?
Thal doesn't flinch.
B to T: How about just a casual observer type of fan? One who doesn’t really care but checks the scores in the Daily Herald every now and again just to be up with the times?
Thalia just eats her popcorn.