Frienemies

Yeah, that's right. Frienemies. You know, the kid who says he's gonna pick you first because you picked him first yesterday (he gets to be a captain because he brought his football), but you don't even end up in the top five. The ones that promise they'll trade their Jason Kidd rookie card for your Penny Hardaway rookie, but don't. Your pal who says you'll be best buds forever, and then moves away after 8th grade never to be heard of again. And yes, the people who act like your friends when you're right in front of them, but talk about you behind your back.

We all know people like this. My roommate Garlan has had recent experience with one: the Seattle Supersonics. (His once beloved Sonics recently moved to Oklahoma City and are now the Thunder.) The sad thing for Garlan is that now the Sonics don't exist. Future NBA fans will never experience the joy of watching their favorite team destroy the likes of Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp, or Detlef Schrempf again.

Of course Garlan is upset. But how would you feel if your favorite team moved halfway accross the country and changed their team name only slightly (Supersonics to Thunder, both really loud nosies, Thunder is obviously the lesser of the two sounds), making sure you know that they used to be your team. (It would be like the Suns moving to Nashville and becoming the Moons. Or the Jazz moving to St. Louis and becoming the Oldies. Yeah. Like that.) But that will never happen, because our teams are actually GOOD.

The Seattle Mariners were the second worst team in baseball this year going 61-101. (The only other team to lose 100 games was the Washington Nationals, no surprise, but that's how bad the Mariners were.) The Seattle Seahawks are currently 2-9. So... if they win the last 5 games this season... they still won't make the playoffs. His beloved University of Washington Huskies are 0-11. They had a chance to beat Washington State (a team that is 2-10 and actually worse than U double-U) in OT... but couldn't do it. Now, HIS Seatt... er, uh, Oklahoma City Thunder are 1-13. The worst record in the NBA. At this rate, by the end of the season they will have won 6 games.

But Garlan won't let that keep him down. He has other activities to occupy his time: grilling Polish sausages and burgers, admiring all films featuring Jason Statham, arguing Ray Allen's case as the best shooter in NBA history and this years MVP, and growing/cutting his hair. I've neglected to state that Garlan is kind of white trash. Some might say a redneck. Actually, he's more than a white trash redneck. He's a red trash whiteneck.

But Garlan really is a nice guy. He likes going on blind dates. He volunteers a lot of his time at church. And his favorite TV show is Paris Hilton's My New BFF. Can you blame him? Anyone who can show you how to go 'from Frienemies to Bikini Besties' is worth watching. 'We love you Paris!'

At the end of each show one of the girls gets eliminated from the running to become Paris' new 'best friend forever'. Nothing beats elimination time. On the most recent episode, Paris decides to put all the girls up for elimination. The scene: the jacuzzi. (If you're a guy and you weren't watching the show, you are now.)

I think I may have commented something along the lines of: That Brittany is a hottie but I'm pretty sure she's a psycho-hose-beast-wench. And Shelley is a doll, but she's way too quiet for a girl like Paris."

Garlan replied (with a wry smile), "It's not about the body. It's about the girl inside the body."

And that's exactly why all of those girls are on the show. 'We love you Paris!'