The other day I baked some stinkin’ cookies. They were stinkin’ good. In fact, they were so good they lasted about 13 minutes. Well, my friend Adriana had the audacity to tell me that her cookies are better than mine. I disagreed. Snicker doodles vs Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk. Seriously? There’s no competition.
Adriana said, “Bart, my love for baking is equal to the love you feel for your own mother… or Steve Nash. It's my favorite pastime."
I chuckled slightly.
Adriana: Telling me that you can make better cookies than me is like telling Tiger Woods you could beat him in a round of golf.
(The mere fact that she was using Tiger Woods as a comparison of herself was very impressive. But it would take a lot more than a sports reference to deter me from winning yet another pointless argument. And this would be a pointless argument because I consider opening a package of pre-mixed dough, slapping it on a cookie sheet, and sliding it into the oven as 'baking'.)
Bart: Oh, so now you're the Tiger Woods of baking?
Adriana: I'm better than the Tiger Woods of baking… but I cant think of a better person to liken it to without being offensive.
(Had she likened herself to, lets say, Giada De Laurentiis then, yes, I would have been offended. But if she compared her talent of baking to Rosanne’s talent of eating… well, I can’t imagine anyone being offended by that.)
Bart: You’re obviously very confident in your so-called ‘skills’... but can you make cinnamon rolls?
Adriana: (With a deliberate laugh) Ha Ha Ha. Is that a serious question?!?
I can bake a variety of cinnamon rolls.
Bart: Well my mom’s cinnamon rolls are the best... no one even comes close. When we visit long-time friends or relatives, usually the first words out of their mouths are: ‘Did you bring cinnamon rolls?’
A: We will just have to agree to disagree on that one.
B: Well I disagree that we have to agree to disagree. You see… you can say you are the best all you want... but until it is proven with hard evidence, all you're saying is words. Words that carry no meaning.
A: Ask my roommates. I bake for them all the time and they LOVE me for it.
B: As far as I know, your roommates come from non-baking homes and their opinion of you could be extremely biased because they've never had baked goods before.
A: Well Bart, you could have been the benefactor of some amazing cookies… but you chose the game. Big mistake. Especially because your team lost.
(Suns vs Jazz… and OF COURSE I chose the game. And don’t get me started on how those idiotic refs called 5 fouls on Steve Nash midway through the 3rd quarter. Honestly?)
A: Okay. that was below the belt. I feel bad. Sorry for the last comment. I like the Suns.
B: I see what you’re doing. You crossed the line and now you're trying to get back in my good graces.
A: I’m not trying to get back in your grace. But, nobody should kid about the Suns or basketball. Its a matter of morals.
(She had a valid point. No one should kid about the Suns or basketball. But I refuse to let her think I recognize that she made a point.)
B: And you are obviously without morals.
A: Listen Wyoming, I know you can’t admit it, because of your ego, but you and I both know that I bake better than you do.
B: Like I said... you're just saying words until you can prove it.
A: Well, there are naked goods over here all the time! I'm not going to deliver them to you like your little servant! If you want to see what everybody else sees and comes over here for, you'll just have to come yourself!
(Ha ha! I was literally on the ground from laughter. She hadn’t caught what she had said… and maybe you as a reader didn’t either. But I did. And I couldn’t help myself… )
B: You wish I’d let you deliver your ‘goods’.
A: I wish you’d let me?!? Ha! As if! My goods are in high demand! I don’t have time for your demands too!
B: I won't argue that... but do you have time to realize your mistake?
(She then realized what she had said and tried to cover it as a “Freudian Slip”. This reminded me of a joke I once heard. It is my all time favorite. It always makes me smile. But beware, I’m a guy.)
Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories.
One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day."
The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?"
"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day, I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'two Pickets to Tittsburgh."
The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU STUPID WENCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"