B.T.I.

Another fake episode of Bart and Dan. Why is it fake? Because the Bart and Dan TV show isn't real, thus making what really happens in our actual lives fake to the characters in Bart and Dan, and to the rest of you. So what if there are over 20 episodes stored somewhere on my hard drive? It doesn’t mean it exists.

Real or not, this is a glimpse of our life at work. Enjoy.


Somewhere in-between saving the world and answering the phone, an idea gently wrests on the furrowed brow of Daniel Criddle.

Dan: wouldn't be silly if chickens ‘barted’ instead of ‘clucked’?

baaaa...
baaaaaart
baaa.. ba. baaaaart.
baa BAAART!

Bart: Silly indeed. But what if every animal everywhere barted?

Daniel :

BAAaart-bart-bart-bart-bart. Those are the ugly ducks in Spain…
BAAAAAAAART!! That was a bear.
..... …. That was a giraffe

Bart: Giraffes have to make some sort of noise.

Daniel:

*rustling leaves noise
*long tongue slurp noise
*whacking necks together noise

Bart: ahhhh yes… who could forget the *whacking necks together noise?

Daniel: Unfortunately, none of those sound remotely like bart. … but whacking necks would probably be closest.

Bart: I guess we'll just have to kill off all the giraffes for not conforming to our new mold of animal society.

Daniel: Not necessary, they'll just think in bart.

Bart: mmmm... that almost works... and I’d rather deal with semi-conforming rebel giraffes than deal with giraffe blood. It’s sticky, and smells like burnt nose hair. The only noticeable loophole is that giraffe thoughts are indiscernible. If they decide to plot an uprising by falling back to their old giraffe thoughts... we would never know. And then... BAM. Giraffe riot. Not quite zoot suit riot. But close.

Daniel: But that's the beauty of bart thought. Once it is implemented, the simplicity of bart makes it impossible to overcome. It’s not nearly as complicated as heehaaaw or meow with their dual syllables. And oink has the terrible schwa that can make pronunciation difficult for some. Bart is just consonant vowel consonant. There is no animal code that can override that.

Bart: Yes, but moo could cause some static in bart thought... it is very easy to code and is monosyllabic... not to mention very fun to say... and even funner to think...

Daniel: True, the cows would pose a weak spot in bart think implementation, but we have the strength of all the other farm animals on our side. And we control their milking schedules.

A Ninja in Embryo

My know-it-all-roommate Dan and I have funny conversations. (To find out more about Dan, please click the 'Dan' label at the bottom of this post.) Sometimes they're really funny. But mostly they're a complete waste of time, kind of like this blog. Sometimes when I'm upstairs and he's downstairs we'll chat screen-to-screen rather than face-to-face.

Dan: Holy cow, I want a ninja sword. You should come watch this Time Warp. Hurry. They are going to chop pig flesh.

Bart: What in the world makes you think I want to watch pig flesh chopping?

Dan: 'Cause it is awesome! Holy cow! It cut clean through the bone!

Bart: Don't you mean holy sow?

Dan: Wow. He chopped a raw egg without cutting the yoke. I am so getting a sword. I have often needed to chop a raw egg without damaging the yoke and have never had the proper tool...

Bart: ...or skills.

D: Whatever. I am obviously a ninja.

B: Just because you have a ninja sword doesn't mean you have ninja skills. And vice versa.

D: Ping pong skills translate directly to sword swinging... and ninja skills.

B: Which translate directly to killing skills?

D: Well... yes, but I wouldn't need to do any killing with my sword. That's what handguns are for.

B: But what about embryonic chicken feti?

(feti is the plural for fetus. Other examples of this type of pluralization include but are not limited to the following: focus-foci, radius-radii, cactus-cacti, octupus-octupi, alumnus-alumni, platypus-platupi, fungus-fungi, hippopotamus-hippopotami, preying mantis-preying manti, mattress-mattri, Barticus-Barticai, etc.)

D: They are already dead from the cryonics.

B: They are already crying from the death.

D: Well... stuff happens. I'm done bugging you now.

B: Good. Because I'm done letting you bug me.