Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Black Michael Phelps

You know him as Shaq, The Diesel, Daddy, and Shaq Fu. The Big Cactus, The Big Shaqtus, The Big Galactus. Wilt Chamberneezy, The Big Baryshnikov, and Shaq Albert. Yes, Shaquille O’Neal is a man of many names. But my personal favorite, which just barely edged out the runner-up Kazaam, (and if you haven’t seen the movie Kazaam, you MUST) is also the most recent: The Black Michael Phelps.

I’ll have to admit, I laughed pretty hard when I first heard it. But as it rolled around in my head for a few minutes, the thought kept coming back to me: MTV Deathmatch: Shaquille O’Neal vs Michael Phelps. Lets get it on! No, but really… comparing them seems absurd.


First of all, ‘The Big Aristotle’ is black. This automatically separates them by eons and schwartamuhranacks (This is a word I just made up. It means: lots more than ‘a lot’.) Everyone knows black people are better athletes, better dancers, and better singers. In his prime, ‘The Big Elvis’ could probably sing, dance, run, and jump among the best of them. And even though Michael had a lot of practice singing the National Anthem in Beijing this summer, I don’t see him coming out with an album anytime soon.

‘Big Shaq Daddy’, on the other hand, has been rapping since 1993 and has released five albums (not counting compilations or soundtracks). Two of which were Gold certified by the RIAA. What’s even more amazing is that more than one million people bought his debut album, Shaq Diesel. One million plus! That’s right, ‘Osama Bin Shaq’ has gone platinum. Hey, Mike… call me the next time you win a Platinum medal.

Now, obviously, Michael Phelps is the best swimmer in the world, galaxy, universe… um, ever. (This includes past, present, and future swimmers, from other galaxies and universes, and spans accross all time continuums and the intergalactical existence of space. He's that good.) I was among the millions jumping and shouting at the TV during his come-from-behind victory in the 100m butterfly for his 7th gold. (Not to overshadow Jason Lezak’s improbable run-down of the Aussie, Alain Bernard, in the anchor leg of the 4X100 m freestyle relay, which kept Phelp’s hopes for 8 gold alive.) And never have I witnessed a more rigorous domination than what I saw from him in swimming those 17 events in 9 days. Truly it was an awe-inspiring, gutsy performance by one of our generations greatest atheletes. So how will the greatest Olympian of all time fare in a 100 meter race against ‘M.D.E. (most dominant ever)’?

Yeah, um, never mind. I’ve decided that there’s really no need to even attempt to put on such a spectacle. The only way 'The Land Shark’ could beat Phelps swimming, is if the pool was only ten feet long. One full extension from the 7’1” ‘Big Fella’ and the race is over. Hmmmm… that gives me an idea.

Shaq Attack vs. Phelps: a best-of-three, winner-take-all series. It will take place in a neutral arena, (We’ll say Mexico because Canada would give ‘The Big Deporter’ an advantage. He could get tips from Steve Nash.) and the two competitors will wager twenty-three items of extreme importance and value.

Phelps will put his 21 gold medals and 2 bronze medals, from the ’04 and ‘08 Olympics and the ’07 World Championships, up against ‘The Yellow Submarines’:
4 NBA Championship rings,
1 NBA MVP award,
1 NBA Rookie of the Year award,
3 NBA Finals MVP awards,
2 All-Star MVP awards,
1 FIBA World Championship gold medal,
1 Olympic gold medal,
1 High School state title ,
1 framed Bachelor’s degree,
1 online Masters in Business Administration,
5 RIAA gold certified albums,
1 RIAA Platinum* certified album,
and 1 gold-plated, honorary, U.S. Deputy Marshall's badge.

(*According to the Barttimesnow Gold, Platinum, and Other Fine Artifacts Committee, the platinum album is the equivalent of 4 Olympic gold medals. Thus, compensating for any perceived ‘lack of value’ of ‘Dr. Shaq’s high school state title, bachelor’s degree, and master’s degree. Thus, keeping the bet even at 23 items per contestant.)

The three events will take place in this order: the 100 meter freestyle, the 10 foot freestyle, and the 5 bazillion meter backstroke in a pool of Jello. May the best Superman win.


The Little's said...

Did you make all those nicknames for Shaq up? I had to keep reading just to see what you were going to call him next! Also...I think the jello should have carrots in it. That's all.

The Little's said...

I DID notice that they were matched..that's why I thought maybe you had made them up. You're so clever to write them that way. Really...maybe you should submit something to Sports Illustrated or your local paper. I know that ours has guest writers all the time, and you're definitely an entertaining read. You should look into that.

MeL said...

For your information, if I got a pony I would name him Howard, and I would love him forever. And seeing as how I have never been to the grand canyon, he would most certainly not end up there...

On a basketbally note, are you totally excited for the Suns' season to start? I have my Nash jersey on a golden hanger waiting to be worn religiously through May.

MeL said...

I have a date with him this weekend...I'll ask him for a pair then. And yes, you will find ridiculously obsessed Nash fans here, it's practically a cult. Of which I'm proud to be a member. You live in the wrong state.

Emily said...

Hi. It is Elizabeth's sister Emily. I am so entertained by your blog! You are so clever I feel like I am sullying your page by not leaving a clever comment. Oh well. I don't know if you have ever listened to Frank DeFord on NPR but you should go after his job. He sounds old enough to retire. I am grateful to your teacher for making you do this!

And just for the record I would be rooting for Michael Phelps.

bretsonjeep said...

I am going to comment before I read anyone else's...and don't worry I am NOT commenting at work, I am entirely too busy for that... So I had strange dreams last night which included watching Phelps swimming the butterfly AND some "unidentified LARGE flying object" playing basketball, it maybe could be called grandioso... so I think its a great idea, but why are they all swimming events? why not some even that challenges their coordination? oh well i guess that would be unfair for some contestants... Maybe its their ears that is being compared and not their accomplishments?