Someone once said that the moment you stop to think about whether you love someone, you’ve already stopped loving that person forever.
The feeling of uninhibited love for another, be it family, friend, or significant other, is not thought about, conjured up, or found upon the pedals of a flower. It is not produced by a factory or simulated on the big screen.
It simply exists. It flows from within.
This is the easy part. Excitement, wonder, awe, desire, intrigue, curiosity, love. You feel content when they're around, but notice when they're not. Although the feeling may course through your very being, expression of that feeling so it is understood is a much harder task.
Especially if you remember that after every flow comes its ebb.
Welcome back to earth. It's at this point of declination that a relationship is truly defined. This is the hard part. Fear, doubt, worry, regret, disregard, indifference. It requires one to come out of the shadows of normality, of regularity, and do more than they have done before.
But remember, every ebb has its flow.
...
Someone also once said, ‘The female heart is a labyrinth of subtleties, too challenging for the uncouth mind of the male racketeer.’
But, before I could process that statement, I was hopelessly dumbstruck. I was at the mercy of this creature whose words and charms I had neither means nor desire to resist. I wished that she would never stop speaking, that her voice would wrap itself around me forever, and that nothing would break the spell of that moment that belonged only to me.
Perhaps for that very reason, I adored her all the more, because of the eternal human stupidity of pursuing those who hurt us the most.
I looked at her for a few moments without saying anything. I thought about how much I wanted to lose myself in those evasive eyes. I thought about the loneliness that would take hold of me that night when I said goodbye to her, once I had run out of tricks or stories to make her stay with me any longer. I thought about how little I had to offer her and how much I wanted from her.
We embraced, and I hoped that she might feel, if just for a second, the way I felt about her at that moment.
I watched her slip inside and close the door behind her, and I turned to face the chilly, dark night… alone.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Mr. Potato Block
So what do you write about when you can’t write? When you’ve been looking at a computer screen for the past 9 hours with nothing to show for it? When everything you thought to be worth writing is now rendered worthless as it is read by no one?
I’m not sure.
I have this problem every once in a while. Some people call it writers block. I’m not really sure why it’s called that. There isn’t an actual block that they pass around like hot potato to see who gets stuck with it… “Oh, Sorry Ralph (Waldo Emerson), you can’t write for about a week. It looks like the entire literary world will have to suffer through seven more days of unenlightened prose until your block is taken by someone else.’ Watch out F. Scott... you're next.
Now, I’m not claiming Ralph Waldo status… doing so might get me thrown out of many writers ‘Circles’ (If you get that joke, I tip my hat to you.)… But for some reason, the usual fluidity, the non ceasing thought process that continually flows more and more and more… so much that you’re actually laughing to yourself at the pure genius of it all, as you can hardly type fast enough to get it all down… that sweet enjoyment of putting thought after thought on paper and connecting them one at a time by daring and outlandish means… yeah… that thing… is gone.
Why? Because I’ve been thinking about what really matters to people. To me. To you. To someone reading these words right… about… NOW. …
I think I’ve learned that I can’t write about anything of importance. I’ve tried. Hard. And because most of the things that have been going on lately are important to me… I am unable to find non essential things to write about.
As much as I’d like to be able to write about what really matters, to really open up and show what’s inside… I can’t. Not even if I’m the only one to ever read what’s written.
But the ironic thing is, as I look back at the other things I’ve written, I can find a small piece of me inside the words… a vulnerable, unaltered, tell-all piece of me. And maybe I wasn’t trying to hide it, or maybe I was… either way it’s there, and I found it. Can you?
I’m not sure.
I have this problem every once in a while. Some people call it writers block. I’m not really sure why it’s called that. There isn’t an actual block that they pass around like hot potato to see who gets stuck with it… “Oh, Sorry Ralph (Waldo Emerson), you can’t write for about a week. It looks like the entire literary world will have to suffer through seven more days of unenlightened prose until your block is taken by someone else.’ Watch out F. Scott... you're next.
Now, I’m not claiming Ralph Waldo status… doing so might get me thrown out of many writers ‘Circles’ (If you get that joke, I tip my hat to you.)… But for some reason, the usual fluidity, the non ceasing thought process that continually flows more and more and more… so much that you’re actually laughing to yourself at the pure genius of it all, as you can hardly type fast enough to get it all down… that sweet enjoyment of putting thought after thought on paper and connecting them one at a time by daring and outlandish means… yeah… that thing… is gone.
Why? Because I’ve been thinking about what really matters to people. To me. To you. To someone reading these words right… about… NOW. …
I think I’ve learned that I can’t write about anything of importance. I’ve tried. Hard. And because most of the things that have been going on lately are important to me… I am unable to find non essential things to write about.
As much as I’d like to be able to write about what really matters, to really open up and show what’s inside… I can’t. Not even if I’m the only one to ever read what’s written.
But the ironic thing is, as I look back at the other things I’ve written, I can find a small piece of me inside the words… a vulnerable, unaltered, tell-all piece of me. And maybe I wasn’t trying to hide it, or maybe I was… either way it’s there, and I found it. Can you?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
So Not hOt and Tempting
Can someone please explain to me how this is attractive?
You can't, can you? ... why? Because it's SNOT!
(haha I've always wanted to use that joke)
This would be my ad campaign:
You can't, can you? ... why? Because it's SNOT!
(haha I've always wanted to use that joke)
This would be my ad campaign:
In a business world run mostly by men, climbing the executive
ladder has been almost impossible for women... until now.
Presenting... SNOT: a daring new clothing line for women.
The new 'business casual' from SNOT empowers women to push the envelope in the work place. And we're not talking about the envelope addressed to Martin Thompson and Co. that's sitting on your dimly lighted desk. We're talking about a metaphoric envelope that isn't real and carries nothing of importance inside... except for this: a note saying, 'Our clothing empowers women to wear things to work that would get men fired.' Like our new dress shorts and matching dress flip flops.
You may not be able to work like a man, but now you can dress
like a man, feel like a man, and most importantly, look like a man. A really, really ridiculous man who just got fired for wearing dress shorts.
SNOT: Sooooo Not hOt and Tempting. In stores never!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Why the Suns Can Win the Championship
If dreams are more than dreams, and actually can, somehow, come true… then last night the Phoenix Suns lost to the Utah Jazz in the first game of their first round series... and I cried. Luckily, when I woke up this morning, I found out that my dreams are just dreams... and pillows make really good Kleenex.
As the playoffs are about to begin, I started to daydream about the possibilities. The Suns have been on a tear and I have felt that they can beat anyone. I started telling people that I wanted the Suns to play the Spurs, Mavericks, Lakers, and Cavs, in that order, to win the ‘Ship. ‘Why would you want the hardest road possible to win it all?’ My thinking was, to be the best you have to beat the best. …And get as many monkeys of your back as you can at the same time.
While my daydream was plausible, it was no more real than my dream last night. I now see that reality brings much higher probability for ascendancy to victory.
5. The Suns are HOT!
Best team headed to the playoffs. The Suns are 23-6 since the All-Star break. Really? Yes. Really. They’re finally getting production from Amare Stoudemire and Jason Richardson. Leandro Barbosa is finally healthy. And they are finally playing defense. Really? Yes. Really.
Big blowout wins over Denver and Utah. Getting back to back wins pushed them from 5th to 3rd, locking up home court advantage in the first round and giving them loads of confidence. And not only did they win, they won BIG. They handled both teams easily, carrying 20+ point leads throughout both games. Some of you say, no big deal. But winning a game when you need to… I’d say that’s a pretty big deal. And it’s something both Denver and Utah could not do.
4. Favorable Schedule
No back to backs. Arguably the toughest part of playing in the NBA is the scheduling. Road trips and switching time zones. Playing 5 games in 7 days. Playing on back to back nights. Older legs struggle in back to back games, just ask Steve Nash and Grant Hill, as 9 of their 28 losses during the regular season came on those second nights. Take away back to backs and you can take away a lot of losses. Luckily, they will get plenty of rest between games in the playoffs.
Portland in round one. To be honest… The Suns usually struggle against Portland. And a few weeks ago, I said that the only team we don’t want to face is Portland. They play a slow, deliberate game and have, probably, the best crowd in the NBA. (i.e. Utah and Golden State) But then, something happened. It was like Tanya Harding’s skating-ghost sprang from her skating-coffin from 1994 and took out all her frustrations on Brandon Roy’s knee. (Did you know she was a boxer in the early 2000’s?) With Roy out for the season, the Suns should easily advance to round two versus Dallas/San Antonio. (And by ‘easily’, I mean ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if the Blazers steal a game… or two’. Serious. We really struggle against them.)
Dallas or San Antonio in round 2. Either way, the Suns get a chance for revenge. And what is more motivating than revenge? (See #1)
Maybe the Lakers choke against Denver. The Nuggets should have beaten the Lakers last year. This year they have a chance to prove it (if they beat Utah, of course). And if all goes according to plan… that would be a favorable matchup for Phoenix in the Western Conference finals. (PHX would have home court advantage AND an up-tempo opponent, which they prefer.)
And if the Lakers cruise right into the Western Conference Finals like they're supposed to... expect a battle of epic proportions! The Suns have normally owned the Lakers in the postseason... and most remember the Suns historic comeback after being down 3-1 in the series. Now, this is obviously not the same Lakers team... but neither are the Suns. This year, the Suns have a deeper bench, far better point guard, and history is by our side.
Anyone but the Cavs in the Finals. Really… I’m dead with seriousness.
3. Amare
Is a beast. Amare Stoudemire is averaging 26 points and 10 rebounds per game since the All-Star break. He’s in great shape and his defensive effort is steadily improving. He leads the league in points in the paint (with 1,110 or some absurd number like that). And he knocks down his free throws. No one can stop him. (And many have tried. Ask Anthony Tolliver and Kosta Koufos.)
Round 2- Dirk or Tim (remember 2005?) Amare is playing his best basketball right now, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. The Suns missed the playoffs last year after Amare was poked in the eye and missed the rest of the season with a detached retina. The two games right before that the Suns scored 140 points in BOTH games. The Suns are dangerous with a healthy Amare Stoudemire. Neither Dirk or Tim are athletic or quick enough to hang with Amare. In 2005, Amare averaged 37 points per game against Duncan in the playoffs. (Yes, the Spurs won, but Joe Johnson had a broken face.) And that was a much younger, more agile Tim Duncan.
2. Style of Play
Efficient Offense/Solid Defense. The Suns lead the league in points per game 110, FG 49.2% and 3FG 41.2% and they’re 4th in assists per game. Yes, they are their usual offensive-juggernautish selves. But more importantly, their defense has improved incredibly. They’re 6th in rebounding and 11th in blocked shots. Surprised?
Second Unit. Everyone knows about Leandro Barbosa after his 2007 Sixth Man of the Year campaign when he averaged 18 ppg off the bench. But what about the rest of these guys? Jared Dudley and Channing Frye are among the league leaders in both 3 point% and 3 pointers made. Louis Amundson has become a force in the middle, and is ranked 10th in the league in blocks per 48 minutes played at 3.00. And probably most improved is Goran Dragic. He still struggles through growing pains, but he has improved his shooting and decision making. This scrappy bunch’s job is clear. Hold the lead. But when they’re on top of their game and are actually extending the lead, you will not beat the Suns.
Chemistry. (From Bill Simmons) Wednesday night, Phoenix at Utah. If the Suns lose, they land a 4-seed and a preferable matchup with Denver (who plays an open style that favors Phoenix). If they win, they jump to a 3-seed and a tougher matchup with Portland (more size, slowdown style, great crowd). General manager Steve Kerr heads to the locker room that night thinking, "We should bench the older guys (Nash and Hill), play our subs and settle for the 4-seed." What happens? Everyone wants to play. Better yet, they're excited to play. Kerr talks it over with Alvin Gentry; they decide to go for it and end up winning by 20. In their euphoric locker room afterwards, Grant Hill tells Kerr that the Suns have better chemistry than any team he's ever played for. And he means it. … Those are the stories I need to hear about my title contenders.
1. Steve Nash
Past Playoff Pains. Steve Nash has been through a lot in recent years. In 2005, the Suns star shooting guard Joe Johnson suffered a displaced fracture of the left orbital bone in Game 2 of their second round series with Dallas. They limped into to the Western Conference Finals to take on the San Antonio Spurs. The Suns lost 4-1.
In 2006, Amare Stoudemire had knee surgery and was shut down for all but a few games of the season. A run to the Western Conference Finals ended against the Mavs.
In 2007, the Suns played the Spurs again, this time in the Semifinals. Nash's nose split in game one. A Robert Horry flagrant foul on Nash in game 4 earned him an ejection from the ballgame and caused Amaré Stoudemire and Boris Diaw to leave their seats on the bench. For his actions, Horry would be suspended for each of the next two contests in the series. STAT and Diaw were suspended for the pivotal Game 5 back in Phoenix. Without two of their primary low-post players, the Suns put on one of the gutsiest performances the game has seen in quite some time – at least for three quarters that is. They ran out of gas in the 4th quarter, lost 88-85, and eventually lost the series.
In 2008, the Tim Duncan 3 pointer. Just mentioning it makes me shake my head in disgust.
In 2009, the Suns failed to make the playoffs after losing Amare Stoudemire to a season ending eye injury.
In 2010,… please… just no more injuries and no more Duncan threes. Please.
4th MVP. First of all, look at these numbers: 16.5 PPG, 11.0 APG, 51% FG, 43% 3FG, 94% FT. Now tell me who is even close? (Maybe Chris Paul, if he hadn’t gotten injured.) Steve Nash is STILL the best point guard in the NBA. He’s led the league in assists 4 times, all after turning 30 years old. Did I mention he’s now 36? The guy is magnificent. He’s won two MVP awards (should have won a 3rd) and I could argue he’s in the top 5 this year. He makes everyone around him better. He’s the ultimate teammate and an even ultimate-er competitor.
Remember at the beginning of the year how all the haters said the Suns wouldn’t make the playoffs? Remember how all the so-called experts said the Suns were bound for the lottery or would maybe get the 8th seed? To all of you at ESPN I say, Remember how we have Steve Nash?
So, can the Suns win the Championship? You tell me.
As the playoffs are about to begin, I started to daydream about the possibilities. The Suns have been on a tear and I have felt that they can beat anyone. I started telling people that I wanted the Suns to play the Spurs, Mavericks, Lakers, and Cavs, in that order, to win the ‘Ship. ‘Why would you want the hardest road possible to win it all?’ My thinking was, to be the best you have to beat the best. …And get as many monkeys of your back as you can at the same time.
While my daydream was plausible, it was no more real than my dream last night. I now see that reality brings much higher probability for ascendancy to victory.
5. The Suns are HOT!
Best team headed to the playoffs. The Suns are 23-6 since the All-Star break. Really? Yes. Really. They’re finally getting production from Amare Stoudemire and Jason Richardson. Leandro Barbosa is finally healthy. And they are finally playing defense. Really? Yes. Really.
Big blowout wins over Denver and Utah. Getting back to back wins pushed them from 5th to 3rd, locking up home court advantage in the first round and giving them loads of confidence. And not only did they win, they won BIG. They handled both teams easily, carrying 20+ point leads throughout both games. Some of you say, no big deal. But winning a game when you need to… I’d say that’s a pretty big deal. And it’s something both Denver and Utah could not do.
4. Favorable Schedule
No back to backs. Arguably the toughest part of playing in the NBA is the scheduling. Road trips and switching time zones. Playing 5 games in 7 days. Playing on back to back nights. Older legs struggle in back to back games, just ask Steve Nash and Grant Hill, as 9 of their 28 losses during the regular season came on those second nights. Take away back to backs and you can take away a lot of losses. Luckily, they will get plenty of rest between games in the playoffs.
Portland in round one. To be honest… The Suns usually struggle against Portland. And a few weeks ago, I said that the only team we don’t want to face is Portland. They play a slow, deliberate game and have, probably, the best crowd in the NBA. (i.e. Utah and Golden State) But then, something happened. It was like Tanya Harding’s skating-ghost sprang from her skating-coffin from 1994 and took out all her frustrations on Brandon Roy’s knee. (Did you know she was a boxer in the early 2000’s?) With Roy out for the season, the Suns should easily advance to round two versus Dallas/San Antonio. (And by ‘easily’, I mean ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if the Blazers steal a game… or two’. Serious. We really struggle against them.)
Dallas or San Antonio in round 2. Either way, the Suns get a chance for revenge. And what is more motivating than revenge? (See #1)
Maybe the Lakers choke against Denver. The Nuggets should have beaten the Lakers last year. This year they have a chance to prove it (if they beat Utah, of course). And if all goes according to plan… that would be a favorable matchup for Phoenix in the Western Conference finals. (PHX would have home court advantage AND an up-tempo opponent, which they prefer.)
And if the Lakers cruise right into the Western Conference Finals like they're supposed to... expect a battle of epic proportions! The Suns have normally owned the Lakers in the postseason... and most remember the Suns historic comeback after being down 3-1 in the series. Now, this is obviously not the same Lakers team... but neither are the Suns. This year, the Suns have a deeper bench, far better point guard, and history is by our side.
Anyone but the Cavs in the Finals. Really… I’m dead with seriousness.
3. Amare
Is a beast. Amare Stoudemire is averaging 26 points and 10 rebounds per game since the All-Star break. He’s in great shape and his defensive effort is steadily improving. He leads the league in points in the paint (with 1,110 or some absurd number like that). And he knocks down his free throws. No one can stop him. (And many have tried. Ask Anthony Tolliver and Kosta Koufos.)
Round 2- Dirk or Tim (remember 2005?) Amare is playing his best basketball right now, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. The Suns missed the playoffs last year after Amare was poked in the eye and missed the rest of the season with a detached retina. The two games right before that the Suns scored 140 points in BOTH games. The Suns are dangerous with a healthy Amare Stoudemire. Neither Dirk or Tim are athletic or quick enough to hang with Amare. In 2005, Amare averaged 37 points per game against Duncan in the playoffs. (Yes, the Spurs won, but Joe Johnson had a broken face.) And that was a much younger, more agile Tim Duncan.
2. Style of Play
Efficient Offense/Solid Defense. The Suns lead the league in points per game 110, FG 49.2% and 3FG 41.2% and they’re 4th in assists per game. Yes, they are their usual offensive-juggernautish selves. But more importantly, their defense has improved incredibly. They’re 6th in rebounding and 11th in blocked shots. Surprised?
Second Unit. Everyone knows about Leandro Barbosa after his 2007 Sixth Man of the Year campaign when he averaged 18 ppg off the bench. But what about the rest of these guys? Jared Dudley and Channing Frye are among the league leaders in both 3 point% and 3 pointers made. Louis Amundson has become a force in the middle, and is ranked 10th in the league in blocks per 48 minutes played at 3.00. And probably most improved is Goran Dragic. He still struggles through growing pains, but he has improved his shooting and decision making. This scrappy bunch’s job is clear. Hold the lead. But when they’re on top of their game and are actually extending the lead, you will not beat the Suns.
Chemistry. (From Bill Simmons) Wednesday night, Phoenix at Utah. If the Suns lose, they land a 4-seed and a preferable matchup with Denver (who plays an open style that favors Phoenix). If they win, they jump to a 3-seed and a tougher matchup with Portland (more size, slowdown style, great crowd). General manager Steve Kerr heads to the locker room that night thinking, "We should bench the older guys (Nash and Hill), play our subs and settle for the 4-seed." What happens? Everyone wants to play. Better yet, they're excited to play. Kerr talks it over with Alvin Gentry; they decide to go for it and end up winning by 20. In their euphoric locker room afterwards, Grant Hill tells Kerr that the Suns have better chemistry than any team he's ever played for. And he means it. … Those are the stories I need to hear about my title contenders.
1. Steve Nash
Past Playoff Pains. Steve Nash has been through a lot in recent years. In 2005, the Suns star shooting guard Joe Johnson suffered a displaced fracture of the left orbital bone in Game 2 of their second round series with Dallas. They limped into to the Western Conference Finals to take on the San Antonio Spurs. The Suns lost 4-1.
In 2006, Amare Stoudemire had knee surgery and was shut down for all but a few games of the season. A run to the Western Conference Finals ended against the Mavs.
In 2007, the Suns played the Spurs again, this time in the Semifinals. Nash's nose split in game one. A Robert Horry flagrant foul on Nash in game 4 earned him an ejection from the ballgame and caused Amaré Stoudemire and Boris Diaw to leave their seats on the bench. For his actions, Horry would be suspended for each of the next two contests in the series. STAT and Diaw were suspended for the pivotal Game 5 back in Phoenix. Without two of their primary low-post players, the Suns put on one of the gutsiest performances the game has seen in quite some time – at least for three quarters that is. They ran out of gas in the 4th quarter, lost 88-85, and eventually lost the series.
In 2008, the Tim Duncan 3 pointer. Just mentioning it makes me shake my head in disgust.
In 2009, the Suns failed to make the playoffs after losing Amare Stoudemire to a season ending eye injury.
In 2010,… please… just no more injuries and no more Duncan threes. Please.
4th MVP. First of all, look at these numbers: 16.5 PPG, 11.0 APG, 51% FG, 43% 3FG, 94% FT. Now tell me who is even close? (Maybe Chris Paul, if he hadn’t gotten injured.) Steve Nash is STILL the best point guard in the NBA. He’s led the league in assists 4 times, all after turning 30 years old. Did I mention he’s now 36? The guy is magnificent. He’s won two MVP awards (should have won a 3rd) and I could argue he’s in the top 5 this year. He makes everyone around him better. He’s the ultimate teammate and an even ultimate-er competitor.
Remember at the beginning of the year how all the haters said the Suns wouldn’t make the playoffs? Remember how all the so-called experts said the Suns were bound for the lottery or would maybe get the 8th seed? To all of you at ESPN I say, Remember how we have Steve Nash?
So, can the Suns win the Championship? You tell me.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Canadia
I’ve been thinking about this post for a really long time. I just haven’t gotten around to it. But Canadia has waited long enough… and especially all my Canadian fans. You know who you are. (I really don’t know who you are… do I actually have a Canadian fan??? Probably not if I keep calling it Canadia.)
Canada: The Great White North. The forehead of America. (I now see the difference between Canada and any stereotypical teenaged forehead… none. Craters, snow capped mountains, oil fields… I think you get the picture. And it’s not pretty.) Why dost thou haunt me in my dreams, with your fluffy white snow and ever inviting barren landscape?
Okay, so I don’t really know what is in Canada… besides lumberjacks and some silly French wannabes. But when I look at the map… I don’t see much. Except for the Hudson Bay… which is HUGE. It’s like a giant black hole in the universe, and is just about the same size. Does it seem like the Hudson Bay is a lot bigger than normal bays? Maybe it picks on the other bays… Bully of Bays. (Not to be confused with Billy Mays.)
The other thing I notice on the map are Canadian cities: Montreal, Toronto, and Vancouver. But aren’t they really US cities? I mean, they’re right on the border! Did the Founding Fathers of our great nation make a mistake by not pushing the border just a little bit further north? Maybe. Did they overlook the economic or commercial potential of said cities? Possibly. Did they just throw Canada a bone? Most definitely.
In the words of the great John Adams, “We can’t take all the northern settlements… we need someone of which to make fun.”
The echo of that profound statement rings true today.
So while America was waging war for liberty and establishing a country of freedoms, our northern brother was copying Britain to establish Parliament. The first task of this most esteemed order was to establish a name for which their country would be recognized across the globe. A name that would stand for truth… a name that would strike fear into the hearts of those who heard it… a name that, when uttered, would turn blood to ice.
They tried everything. The name ‘Parantia’ was too silly. ‘Trogglehum’ was too Nordic. And ‘Larry’ just made them laugh and laugh. Parliament soon found this to be a much more serious problem than they had anticipated. How could they run a country if they couldn’t even give it a name? So amidst the laughter they decided to put the problem to rest. They decided to gather all the letters of the alphabet and put them in a long, black top hat. They would then draw, from the hat, the letters that would form the name of their great nation. This they did. “C, eh?” “N, eh?” “D, eh?”
(Man, that was a lot of work for just one measly little joke. But hey, I got to make fun of Canada, so it was so worth it!)
But while I’m on the subject… I think that if I ever went to Canada, I would go to Vancouver. It’s supposed to be amazing. It’s also supposed to be just like Seattle.
Speaking of Vancouver, how about those 2010 Olympic Games?! That was so nice of Canada to invite the US over for a ‘house warming party’… only to be dominated in a friendly competition of ‘Parcheesi’. The same game of ‘Parcheesi’ that they supposedly invented. (This is kind of a crummy analogy and I’m sorry… but substitute ‘Olympics’ for ‘house warming party’ and ‘winter sports’ for ‘parcheesi’ and you might just get what I’m trying to say.)
(And I just noticed that I hate semi-colons… I never know when to use them. I was just about to use one and then I thought, Hmmm I’m not sure if I should. What does it mean to use a semi colon? I don’t know.)
And I should give a salute to the US Men’s Hockey Team for a great Olympics! You made America care, even if it was for just one day. You beat Canada once… and then barley lost to that same Canada team in the Gold Medal game. But hey, that’s nothing to hang your head about. That’s like what happened Bartuvious, from Ancient Greece.
Bartuvious was a mere mortal destined to do amazing things. After defeating all the gods in the grandest of all tournaments, he fought off the Titans on his way up Mount Olympus! He finally reached his ultimate destiny!… only to be zapped by Zeus and his stupid lightning bolt.
Was Bartuvious upset? Sure, maybe a little. Was he bitter? Oh, never! For he knew that the only one who was truly bitter was Zeus. He’s wearing a thinly layered dress/cloak thingy on the top of a super high mountain. It’s freezing cold up there! Dare I say bitter cold? That’s right Canada. Face.
Canada: The Great White North. The forehead of America. (I now see the difference between Canada and any stereotypical teenaged forehead… none. Craters, snow capped mountains, oil fields… I think you get the picture. And it’s not pretty.) Why dost thou haunt me in my dreams, with your fluffy white snow and ever inviting barren landscape?
Okay, so I don’t really know what is in Canada… besides lumberjacks and some silly French wannabes. But when I look at the map… I don’t see much. Except for the Hudson Bay… which is HUGE. It’s like a giant black hole in the universe, and is just about the same size. Does it seem like the Hudson Bay is a lot bigger than normal bays? Maybe it picks on the other bays… Bully of Bays. (Not to be confused with Billy Mays.)
The other thing I notice on the map are Canadian cities: Montreal, Toronto, and Vancouver. But aren’t they really US cities? I mean, they’re right on the border! Did the Founding Fathers of our great nation make a mistake by not pushing the border just a little bit further north? Maybe. Did they overlook the economic or commercial potential of said cities? Possibly. Did they just throw Canada a bone? Most definitely.
In the words of the great John Adams, “We can’t take all the northern settlements… we need someone of which to make fun.”
The echo of that profound statement rings true today.
So while America was waging war for liberty and establishing a country of freedoms, our northern brother was copying Britain to establish Parliament. The first task of this most esteemed order was to establish a name for which their country would be recognized across the globe. A name that would stand for truth… a name that would strike fear into the hearts of those who heard it… a name that, when uttered, would turn blood to ice.
They tried everything. The name ‘Parantia’ was too silly. ‘Trogglehum’ was too Nordic. And ‘Larry’ just made them laugh and laugh. Parliament soon found this to be a much more serious problem than they had anticipated. How could they run a country if they couldn’t even give it a name? So amidst the laughter they decided to put the problem to rest. They decided to gather all the letters of the alphabet and put them in a long, black top hat. They would then draw, from the hat, the letters that would form the name of their great nation. This they did. “C, eh?” “N, eh?” “D, eh?”
(Man, that was a lot of work for just one measly little joke. But hey, I got to make fun of Canada, so it was so worth it!)
But while I’m on the subject… I think that if I ever went to Canada, I would go to Vancouver. It’s supposed to be amazing. It’s also supposed to be just like Seattle.
Speaking of Vancouver, how about those 2010 Olympic Games?! That was so nice of Canada to invite the US over for a ‘house warming party’… only to be dominated in a friendly competition of ‘Parcheesi’. The same game of ‘Parcheesi’ that they supposedly invented. (This is kind of a crummy analogy and I’m sorry… but substitute ‘Olympics’ for ‘house warming party’ and ‘winter sports’ for ‘parcheesi’ and you might just get what I’m trying to say.)
(And I just noticed that I hate semi-colons… I never know when to use them. I was just about to use one and then I thought, Hmmm I’m not sure if I should. What does it mean to use a semi colon? I don’t know.)
And I should give a salute to the US Men’s Hockey Team for a great Olympics! You made America care, even if it was for just one day. You beat Canada once… and then barley lost to that same Canada team in the Gold Medal game. But hey, that’s nothing to hang your head about. That’s like what happened Bartuvious, from Ancient Greece.
Bartuvious was a mere mortal destined to do amazing things. After defeating all the gods in the grandest of all tournaments, he fought off the Titans on his way up Mount Olympus! He finally reached his ultimate destiny!… only to be zapped by Zeus and his stupid lightning bolt.
Was Bartuvious upset? Sure, maybe a little. Was he bitter? Oh, never! For he knew that the only one who was truly bitter was Zeus. He’s wearing a thinly layered dress/cloak thingy on the top of a super high mountain. It’s freezing cold up there! Dare I say bitter cold? That’s right Canada. Face.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
March Insane-ness
I hate Winter. Whoever thought of Winter should consider these improvements: snow that looks and tastes like Sno-cones, reindeer BBQ, and/or t-shirts that are overcoats in disguise.
That being said, there is nothing I look forward to more than the season after winter. Sunshine, warm weather, and PJ's all day, every day. Yes, I'm talking about March Madness. Lets be honest. I don't leave my couch.
With BYU looking poised to make a run in the tournament... things couldn't be much wackier. Well, maybe they could be. Here's a discussion about BYU's star player, Jimmer Fredette.
Jason: It’s really hard for me to cheer for a team whose best player is named Jimmer.
Bart: Really? But he’s soooo Jimmer.
Jason: That is such a terrible name though…
Bart: Yeah but he’s a baller… So is Michael Lloyd Jr.
Jason: Yeah that Lloyd kid is quick. A lot like myself.
Bart: Not really. You’re slow, white and very NOT gangster.
Jason: First of all I am really hood. Second, a black kid from BYU is the opposite of gangsta.
Bart: Like I said he’s gangster not gangsta. Big difference. Plus, he’s from Vegas… he’s totally gangster.
Jason: I’m from Sun Valley! That’s a lot more hood.
(Jimmer knocks down a crossover, step-back three…)
Bart: JIMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jason: I see your enthusiasm, but I still don’t understand why his parents would do that to the poor kid.
Bart: I think they were impressionists. Jimmer is a name that you never forget.
Jason: That’s true. Kinda like Larry. Or Floyd.
Bart: Not really like Floyd. There’s a guy in my class named Floyd, I forget his name all the time. But I’ll tell you what… If I had a wife and she was pregnant, I wouldn’t think twice about naming my kid Jimmer.
Jason: I decided to start calling Mac Dad ‘Jimmer’ and he seems to be happy about it.
Bart: Mac Dad will always be Mac Dad…
Jason: Not anymore… he likes to be called Jimmer.
Bart: And who wouldn’t? ? Jimmer is classic… like Archibald… or Tiberius.
Jason: Tiberius? That is a whole lot classier than Jimmer. Jimmer sounds like a toothless redneck at Big Country Speedway.
Bart: Oh… now I can see why Mac Dad likes it…
Jason. Yeah… Mac Dad is a classy guy. I do enjoy Jimmer’s set shots and layups.
Bart: Set shots? More like crossover, step-back threes!!!
Jason: I only saw one. The rest was the classic white guy game.
Bart: If by ‘classic’ you mean ‘yankee’… then yes. The dude hails from New York.
Jason: That’s not at all what I meant. Regardless of where he’s from, he plays like Jerry West.
Bart: Did Mac Dad tell you to say that?
Jason: Huh?
Bart: You don’t know who Jerry West is, do you?
Jason: …
Bart: Jerry West is in the Basketball Hall of Fame.
Jason: …
Bart: He’s the NBA logo.
Jason: Oh yeah, the white silhouette… I’m not saying Jimmer is bad. I’m just saying he has that classic white-guy game. I feel like Jimmer is a quicker Lyle Gadbury.
Bart: Well… I’m pretty sure my dad taught him that scoop shot… and I think their feet are the same size…
Jason: Lyle does have an unstoppable scoop shot. Jimmer just needs to work on the running hook and he will be the next logo.
Bart: I can see it now. They just need to change the colors from red, white, and blue to white, off white, and transparent. It would attract a whole new generation of white players.
Jason: I think that is exactly what the NBA needs. It would be like the 1950’s all over again.
Bart: Awesome! I love poodle skirts!
Jason: Wearing them?
Bart: Wha??
Jason: You love wearing poodle skirts.
Bart: Um… psshhhhh… no…
Jason: Are you lying?
Bart: Uh… no… Are you?
That being said, there is nothing I look forward to more than the season after winter. Sunshine, warm weather, and PJ's all day, every day. Yes, I'm talking about March Madness. Lets be honest. I don't leave my couch.
With BYU looking poised to make a run in the tournament... things couldn't be much wackier. Well, maybe they could be. Here's a discussion about BYU's star player, Jimmer Fredette.
Jason: It’s really hard for me to cheer for a team whose best player is named Jimmer.
Bart: Really? But he’s soooo Jimmer.
Jason: That is such a terrible name though…
Bart: Yeah but he’s a baller… So is Michael Lloyd Jr.
Jason: Yeah that Lloyd kid is quick. A lot like myself.
Bart: Not really. You’re slow, white and very NOT gangster.
Jason: First of all I am really hood. Second, a black kid from BYU is the opposite of gangsta.
Bart: Like I said he’s gangster not gangsta. Big difference. Plus, he’s from Vegas… he’s totally gangster.
Jason: I’m from Sun Valley! That’s a lot more hood.
(Jimmer knocks down a crossover, step-back three…)
Bart: JIMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jason: I see your enthusiasm, but I still don’t understand why his parents would do that to the poor kid.
Bart: I think they were impressionists. Jimmer is a name that you never forget.
Jason: That’s true. Kinda like Larry. Or Floyd.
Bart: Not really like Floyd. There’s a guy in my class named Floyd, I forget his name all the time. But I’ll tell you what… If I had a wife and she was pregnant, I wouldn’t think twice about naming my kid Jimmer.
Jason: I decided to start calling Mac Dad ‘Jimmer’ and he seems to be happy about it.
Bart: Mac Dad will always be Mac Dad…
Jason: Not anymore… he likes to be called Jimmer.
Bart: And who wouldn’t? ? Jimmer is classic… like Archibald… or Tiberius.
Jason: Tiberius? That is a whole lot classier than Jimmer. Jimmer sounds like a toothless redneck at Big Country Speedway.
Bart: Oh… now I can see why Mac Dad likes it…
Jason. Yeah… Mac Dad is a classy guy. I do enjoy Jimmer’s set shots and layups.
Bart: Set shots? More like crossover, step-back threes!!!
Jason: I only saw one. The rest was the classic white guy game.
Bart: If by ‘classic’ you mean ‘yankee’… then yes. The dude hails from New York.
Jason: That’s not at all what I meant. Regardless of where he’s from, he plays like Jerry West.
Bart: Did Mac Dad tell you to say that?
Jason: Huh?
Bart: You don’t know who Jerry West is, do you?
Jason: …
Bart: Jerry West is in the Basketball Hall of Fame.
Jason: …
Bart: He’s the NBA logo.
Jason: Oh yeah, the white silhouette… I’m not saying Jimmer is bad. I’m just saying he has that classic white-guy game. I feel like Jimmer is a quicker Lyle Gadbury.
Bart: Well… I’m pretty sure my dad taught him that scoop shot… and I think their feet are the same size…
Jason: Lyle does have an unstoppable scoop shot. Jimmer just needs to work on the running hook and he will be the next logo.
Bart: I can see it now. They just need to change the colors from red, white, and blue to white, off white, and transparent. It would attract a whole new generation of white players.
Jason: I think that is exactly what the NBA needs. It would be like the 1950’s all over again.
Bart: Awesome! I love poodle skirts!
Jason: Wearing them?
Bart: Wha??
Jason: You love wearing poodle skirts.
Bart: Um… psshhhhh… no…
Jason: Are you lying?
Bart: Uh… no… Are you?
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