March Insane-ness

I hate Winter. Whoever thought of Winter should consider these improvements: snow that looks and tastes like Sno-cones, reindeer BBQ, and/or t-shirts that are overcoats in disguise.

That being said, there is nothing I look forward to more than the season after winter. Sunshine, warm weather, and PJ's all day, every day. Yes, I'm talking about March Madness. Lets be honest. I don't leave my couch.

With BYU looking poised to make a run in the tournament... things couldn't be much wackier. Well, maybe they could be. Here's a discussion about BYU's star player, Jimmer Fredette.

Jason: It’s really hard for me to cheer for a team whose best player is named Jimmer.

Bart: Really? But he’s soooo Jimmer.

Jason: That is such a terrible name though…

Bart: Yeah but he’s a baller… So is Michael Lloyd Jr.

Jason: Yeah that Lloyd kid is quick. A lot like myself.

Bart: Not really. You’re slow, white and very NOT gangster.

Jason: First of all I am really hood. Second, a black kid from BYU is the opposite of gangsta.

Bart: Like I said he’s gangster not gangsta. Big difference. Plus, he’s from Vegas… he’s totally gangster.

Jason: I’m from Sun Valley! That’s a lot more hood.

(Jimmer knocks down a crossover, step-back three…)

Bart: JIMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jason: I see your enthusiasm, but I still don’t understand why his parents would do that to the poor kid.

Bart: I think they were impressionists. Jimmer is a name that you never forget.

Jason: That’s true. Kinda like Larry. Or Floyd.

Bart: Not really like Floyd. There’s a guy in my class named Floyd, I forget his name all the time. But I’ll tell you what… If I had a wife and she was pregnant, I wouldn’t think twice about naming my kid Jimmer.

Jason: I decided to start calling Mac Dad ‘Jimmer’ and he seems to be happy about it.

Bart: Mac Dad will always be Mac Dad…

Jason: Not anymore… he likes to be called Jimmer.

Bart: And who wouldn’t? ? Jimmer is classic… like Archibald… or Tiberius.

Jason: Tiberius? That is a whole lot classier than Jimmer. Jimmer sounds like a toothless redneck at Big Country Speedway.

Bart: Oh… now I can see why Mac Dad likes it…

Jason. Yeah… Mac Dad is a classy guy. I do enjoy Jimmer’s set shots and layups.

Bart: Set shots? More like crossover, step-back threes!!!

Jason: I only saw one. The rest was the classic white guy game.

Bart: If by ‘classic’ you mean ‘yankee’… then yes. The dude hails from New York.

Jason: That’s not at all what I meant. Regardless of where he’s from, he plays like Jerry West.

Bart: Did Mac Dad tell you to say that?

Jason: Huh?

Bart: You don’t know who Jerry West is, do you?

Jason: …

Bart: Jerry West is in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

Jason: …

Bart: He’s the NBA logo.

Jason: Oh yeah, the white silhouette… I’m not saying Jimmer is bad. I’m just saying he has that classic white-guy game. I feel like Jimmer is a quicker Lyle Gadbury.

Bart: Well… I’m pretty sure my dad taught him that scoop shot… and I think their feet are the same size…

Jason: Lyle does have an unstoppable scoop shot. Jimmer just needs to work on the running hook and he will be the next logo.

Bart: I can see it now. They just need to change the colors from red, white, and blue to white, off white, and transparent. It would attract a whole new generation of white players.

Jason: I think that is exactly what the NBA needs. It would be like the 1950’s all over again.

Bart: Awesome! I love poodle skirts!

Jason: Wearing them?

Bart: Wha??

Jason: You love wearing poodle skirts.

Bart: Um… psshhhhh… no…

Jason: Are you lying?

Bart: Uh… no… Are you?

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Bart: We’re going into business together, right?

Jason: Sure. What type of business?

Bart: Oh… I don’t know. I thought you had that part figured out. You’re the brawn and the brain and the billfold… I’m just the pretty face you’re gonna slap on billboards.

Jason: I was thinking about beet farming. Do you want to be the spokesperson for a beet farm?

Bart: Everyone loves beets, right?

Jason: I think so… that’s why it’s a great idea!

Bart: You may be on to something…

J: Now we just need to learn how to farm…

B: I grew up on a ranch… but that really doesn’t help us, does it?

J: That depends. Have you ever planted anything that didn’t die within a week?

B: No. … Wait… I once planted a seed that never grew… so, technically, it never died.

J: That’s a great point and that’s enough for me to make you Chief Operations Officer!

B: Awesome! And as my first official act as Chief Operations Officer, I hereby appoint you as Lead Implementation Specialist.

J: Thank you! As my first official act as Lead Implementation Specialist, I implement a three day work week.

B: I second it. Motion for a three day work week stands. HooRah.

J:

MEMO
Date: 11-18-2009
To: COO Bart
From: LIS Jason
Re: Hot Secretary
Can we hire Megan Fox as my secretary?

B:

RETURNMEMO
All that other stuff.
Re: Hot Secretary
I’m sorry to inform you that, Miss Fox has already been hired on as the COO’s secretary (The COO... yeah, that’s me.)… And Kate Beckinsale as the COO’s personal assistant. (That’s also me.)

J: Oh. … That seems unfair.

B: You might think that at first, until you find out that I appointed Tina Fey and Ellen as your secretaries! Surprise!

J: Wait… what? No. Why?!

B: Can you say ‘funnest office in the building’?! I think you can!

J: I want hottest office in the building! Not an ugly chick and an uglier lesbo!

B: Sorry. You automatically ruled your office out of the running when you hired me as COO. I’m hot. … But don’t worry. The hot secretaries and I will come and visit often.

J: I’m resigning and starting a brussel sprouts farm.



And now... one of my favorite clips from The Office.
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Speed is Relative

I had a converstion with a childhood friend the other day. Some of you reading this blog may remember him as my 'fake friend', as you so ruthlessly labeled him many years ago.... (Tia). So I'd like to introduce the rest of you to my best friend growing up... the coauthor and cohort of many late night shenanigans, the Stoudemire to my Nash, the Montana to my Rice, the beef to my slow cooker... well, you get the point.

Jason: Bartholomew Jay Merriweather Witherspoon III! How doth thou doeth?

Bart: Jason Winifred Ulysses Hammock Jr! The sire be-eth well. And thou?

Jason: Good morrow, sire! Venus hath lifted her skirt. Apollo hath blessed us with the removal of his blouse!

Bart: Oh blessed Apollo… thou art a magnificent beast indeed.

Jason: I have decided that you must submit a proposal to BYU to convince them to recruit more black kids. Slow white kids and fat islanders don’t win football games.

Bart: I’ve written three. And BYU does have one black kid. He’s just really slow. And I don’t think it’s the players. I think it’s the coaching. We need black coaches.

J: Do black coaches make the players faster?

B: By osmosis. (Now to myself) Or is by muscle replacement?

J: Wow! This is groundbreaking research! If I hang out with black kids, will I get faster?

B: Well... you won’t. Osmosis only works on people who haven't been labeled as ‘the slowest person alive’. Plus, you don’t know any black people.

J: I will have you know that I am Turnberry Heights Retirement Home’s reigning 100 and 200 meter champion. I won and I’m the Champ! And I live with the blackest kid alive. (Kid painted in black paint)

B: Yeah but I heard you won last year because you kicked Ms. Hill’s walker out from under her, and Mr. Johnson was disqualified for using a motorized scooter.

J: That is a matter of conjecture! I won and I’m the Champ! And even if it were true, why should she get to use a walker? She might as well be on steroids!

B: Conjecture? You’re just lucky Fat Harold sat in front of the camera right as it happened. Otherwise your medals would have been stripped.

J: Don’t you mean striped?

B: No, the medals are already striped… your striped medals would have been stripped.

J: If it can’t be proven, it didn’t happen! I won and I’m the Champ!

B: And still slow.