I hate Winter. Whoever thought of Winter should consider these improvements: snow that looks and tastes like Sno-cones, reindeer BBQ, and/or t-shirts that are overcoats in disguise.
That being said, there is nothing I look forward to more than the season after winter. Sunshine, warm weather, and PJ's all day, every day. Yes, I'm talking about March Madness. Lets be honest. I don't leave my couch.
With BYU looking poised to make a run in the tournament... things couldn't be much wackier. Well, maybe they could be. Here's a discussion about BYU's star player, Jimmer Fredette.
Jason: It’s really hard for me to cheer for a team whose best player is named Jimmer.
Bart: Really? But he’s soooo Jimmer.
Jason: That is such a terrible name though…
Bart: Yeah but he’s a baller… So is Michael Lloyd Jr.
Jason: Yeah that Lloyd kid is quick. A lot like myself.
Bart: Not really. You’re slow, white and very NOT gangster.
Jason: First of all I am really hood. Second, a black kid from BYU is the opposite of gangsta.
Bart: Like I said he’s gangster not gangsta. Big difference. Plus, he’s from Vegas… he’s totally gangster.
Jason: I’m from Sun Valley! That’s a lot more hood.
(Jimmer knocks down a crossover, step-back three…)
Bart: JIMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jason: I see your enthusiasm, but I still don’t understand why his parents would do that to the poor kid.
Bart: I think they were impressionists. Jimmer is a name that you never forget.
Jason: That’s true. Kinda like Larry. Or Floyd.
Bart: Not really like Floyd. There’s a guy in my class named Floyd, I forget his name all the time. But I’ll tell you what… If I had a wife and she was pregnant, I wouldn’t think twice about naming my kid Jimmer.
Jason: I decided to start calling Mac Dad ‘Jimmer’ and he seems to be happy about it.
Bart: Mac Dad will always be Mac Dad…
Jason: Not anymore… he likes to be called Jimmer.
Bart: And who wouldn’t? ? Jimmer is classic… like Archibald… or Tiberius.
Jason: Tiberius? That is a whole lot classier than Jimmer. Jimmer sounds like a toothless redneck at Big Country Speedway.
Bart: Oh… now I can see why Mac Dad likes it…
Jason. Yeah… Mac Dad is a classy guy. I do enjoy Jimmer’s set shots and layups.
Bart: Set shots? More like crossover, step-back threes!!!
Jason: I only saw one. The rest was the classic white guy game.
Bart: If by ‘classic’ you mean ‘yankee’… then yes. The dude hails from New York.
Jason: That’s not at all what I meant. Regardless of where he’s from, he plays like Jerry West.
Bart: Did Mac Dad tell you to say that?
Jason: Huh?
Bart: You don’t know who Jerry West is, do you?
Jason: …
Bart: Jerry West is in the Basketball Hall of Fame.
Jason: …
Bart: He’s the NBA logo.
Jason: Oh yeah, the white silhouette… I’m not saying Jimmer is bad. I’m just saying he has that classic white-guy game. I feel like Jimmer is a quicker Lyle Gadbury.
Bart: Well… I’m pretty sure my dad taught him that scoop shot… and I think their feet are the same size…
Jason: Lyle does have an unstoppable scoop shot. Jimmer just needs to work on the running hook and he will be the next logo.
Bart: I can see it now. They just need to change the colors from red, white, and blue to white, off white, and transparent. It would attract a whole new generation of white players.
Jason: I think that is exactly what the NBA needs. It would be like the 1950’s all over again.
Bart: Awesome! I love poodle skirts!
Jason: Wearing them?
Bart: Wha??
Jason: You love wearing poodle skirts.
Bart: Um… psshhhhh… no…
Jason: Are you lying?
Bart: Uh… no… Are you?
Showing posts with label BYU. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BYU. Show all posts
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Speed is Relative
I had a converstion with a childhood friend the other day. Some of you reading this blog may remember him as my 'fake friend', as you so ruthlessly labeled him many years ago.... (Tia). So I'd like to introduce the rest of you to my best friend growing up... the coauthor and cohort of many late night shenanigans, the Stoudemire to my Nash, the Montana to my Rice, the beef to my slow cooker... well, you get the point.
Jason: Bartholomew Jay Merriweather Witherspoon III! How doth thou doeth?
Bart: Jason Winifred Ulysses Hammock Jr! The sire be-eth well. And thou?
Jason: Good morrow, sire! Venus hath lifted her skirt. Apollo hath blessed us with the removal of his blouse!
Bart: Oh blessed Apollo… thou art a magnificent beast indeed.
Jason: I have decided that you must submit a proposal to BYU to convince them to recruit more black kids. Slow white kids and fat islanders don’t win football games.
Bart: I’ve written three. And BYU does have one black kid. He’s just really slow. And I don’t think it’s the players. I think it’s the coaching. We need black coaches.
J: Do black coaches make the players faster?
B: By osmosis. (Now to myself) Or is by muscle replacement?
J: Wow! This is groundbreaking research! If I hang out with black kids, will I get faster?
B: Well... you won’t. Osmosis only works on people who haven't been labeled as ‘the slowest person alive’. Plus, you don’t know any black people.
J: I will have you know that I am Turnberry Heights Retirement Home’s reigning 100 and 200 meter champion. I won and I’m the Champ! And I live with the blackest kid alive. (Kid painted in black paint)
B: Yeah but I heard you won last year because you kicked Ms. Hill’s walker out from under her, and Mr. Johnson was disqualified for using a motorized scooter.
J: That is a matter of conjecture! I won and I’m the Champ! And even if it were true, why should she get to use a walker? She might as well be on steroids!
B: Conjecture? You’re just lucky Fat Harold sat in front of the camera right as it happened. Otherwise your medals would have been stripped.
J: Don’t you mean striped?
B: No, the medals are already striped… your striped medals would have been stripped.
J: If it can’t be proven, it didn’t happen! I won and I’m the Champ!
B: And still slow.
Jason: Bartholomew Jay Merriweather Witherspoon III! How doth thou doeth?
Bart: Jason Winifred Ulysses Hammock Jr! The sire be-eth well. And thou?
Jason: Good morrow, sire! Venus hath lifted her skirt. Apollo hath blessed us with the removal of his blouse!
Bart: Oh blessed Apollo… thou art a magnificent beast indeed.
Jason: I have decided that you must submit a proposal to BYU to convince them to recruit more black kids. Slow white kids and fat islanders don’t win football games.
Bart: I’ve written three. And BYU does have one black kid. He’s just really slow. And I don’t think it’s the players. I think it’s the coaching. We need black coaches.
J: Do black coaches make the players faster?
B: By osmosis. (Now to myself) Or is by muscle replacement?
J: Wow! This is groundbreaking research! If I hang out with black kids, will I get faster?
B: Well... you won’t. Osmosis only works on people who haven't been labeled as ‘the slowest person alive’. Plus, you don’t know any black people.
J: I will have you know that I am Turnberry Heights Retirement Home’s reigning 100 and 200 meter champion. I won and I’m the Champ! And I live with the blackest kid alive. (Kid painted in black paint)
B: Yeah but I heard you won last year because you kicked Ms. Hill’s walker out from under her, and Mr. Johnson was disqualified for using a motorized scooter.
J: That is a matter of conjecture! I won and I’m the Champ! And even if it were true, why should she get to use a walker? She might as well be on steroids!
B: Conjecture? You’re just lucky Fat Harold sat in front of the camera right as it happened. Otherwise your medals would have been stripped.
J: Don’t you mean striped?
B: No, the medals are already striped… your striped medals would have been stripped.
J: If it can’t be proven, it didn’t happen! I won and I’m the Champ!
B: And still slow.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
BYU's 'Heads-up' Coaching
The following post is rated PG-13. It is not suitable for readers under the age of "I-think-BYU-sports-are-the-best-in-the-Nation". If you believe such non-sense... stop reading. Reader discression is advised. ... Seriously. You might cry.
Now that all that political correctness is out of the way... I've been waiting some time to write this. But as the new year is upon us... I shall wait no longer. (It's kind of a new years resolution. Oh and the title of this post almost symbolic. Or maybe I just confused the word 'symbolic' with the word 'graphic'.)
Let's start with the BYU Men's Basketball team. Dave Rose has done a good job with this club. They love to run in transition and can shoot three's like it's nobody's business. But you know what they say... live by the three... die by the three. They aren't going to be able to rely on the trey-ball all year, and they don't really have anyone to go to inside. Their big guys play okay defense, but are not a factor in the offense. This is going to be a problem come tournament time. Oh and by the way, good job convincing Trent Plaisted to stay for his senior year instead of declaring NBA draft eligibility. Smart move. (That last little bit was completely sarcastic. Plaisted, who averaged almost 16 pts 8 reb, is in Europe somewhere, lost in basketball detention.)
So I've been to a few games and overall the team is exciting to watch. A lot of energy, steals, and three pointers. But Coach Rose is anything but classy. Usually when you're up 20 points with a couple minutes left in the game, you put in your scrubs, your reserves, your benchwarmers. Not Coach Rose. Okay, so maybe 20 isn't as 'safe' as it used to be. But 30+, yeah, now you can put in the freshmen to finish out the game. Not Coach Rose. Well, how about 40+... you're as safe as you can get, right? Up 40 with 5 minutes to go? Not Coach Rose.
Against Rice, Weber State, and Boise State, Coach Rose left his starters in almost the whole game. These guys were still running and gunning, bombing threes and throwing alley-oops. The average margin of victory: 34 points. That's right. The opposition will remember the day they played the Cougars. Stay classy Coach Rose.
Now, lets change gears here. I think the BYU Football team's motto for next year should be 'Quest to fire Bronco Mendenhall'. Only 3 big games this year and they lost every one of them. All the blame goes to him for the shelacking TCU gave them... and after a byeweek... seriously Bronco? What are you concentrating on for those two weeks prior? Firesides?
The Utah game wasn't all Mendenhall's fault. Max Hall had the worst game of his career with 5 INTs and a fumble. But after the third interception you'd think Bronco would realize Max wasn't up to the task. As a coach, you want to show your team you trust your guy... but Bronco should have shown some sort of fire, some sort of indication that that game was important. Chew him out. Throw your headset. Do something for crying out loud! Football players feed off each other. They're like a pack of rabid velosa raptors. But if Mama raptor is indifferent on whether they have chicken fried stegasaurus or beer battered triceratops, then the baby raptors won't care either! In other words, passion is an admirable quality in a leader.
Now the AZ game. Yay for the Las Vegas Bowl, again. ... Awesome. We just lost to a 7-5 football team... oh wait 8-5, my bad. BYU was complaining all year that they weren't getting enough love from ESPN and the BCS. We would have been DESTROYED by any other ranked team. How do I know this? Because we just got owned by Arizona.
Give AZ credit. They're a good team. Us getting pounded by them means we're less than good. It probably didn't help BYU any that Max Hall, Austin Collie, and Dennis Pitta were playing pick-up ball on campus during the few weeks before the 'Big Game'. (I played with Max and am convinced he made a smart move by choosing football over basketball.) But honestly, Bronco, that's a smart coaching move: "Yeah, guys... go play basketball on campus with all the washed-up married guys, 18 year old spazzes, and uncoordinated exchange students. Don't worry about the fact that our next game is nationally sponsored and that if we win we all get Nintendo Wii's for the 3rd year in a row. Just don't get hurt." (Did anyone notice Dennis Pitta's knee injury? Wonder how that happened?) Enjoy your Nintendo Wii's Wildcats!
And seriously... he named his kids Breaker, Raider, and Cutter. Some might call that cute, I'd call it child abuse.
Now that all that political correctness is out of the way... I've been waiting some time to write this. But as the new year is upon us... I shall wait no longer. (It's kind of a new years resolution. Oh and the title of this post almost symbolic. Or maybe I just confused the word 'symbolic' with the word 'graphic'.)
Let's start with the BYU Men's Basketball team. Dave Rose has done a good job with this club. They love to run in transition and can shoot three's like it's nobody's business. But you know what they say... live by the three... die by the three. They aren't going to be able to rely on the trey-ball all year, and they don't really have anyone to go to inside. Their big guys play okay defense, but are not a factor in the offense. This is going to be a problem come tournament time. Oh and by the way, good job convincing Trent Plaisted to stay for his senior year instead of declaring NBA draft eligibility. Smart move. (That last little bit was completely sarcastic. Plaisted, who averaged almost 16 pts 8 reb, is in Europe somewhere, lost in basketball detention.)
So I've been to a few games and overall the team is exciting to watch. A lot of energy, steals, and three pointers. But Coach Rose is anything but classy. Usually when you're up 20 points with a couple minutes left in the game, you put in your scrubs, your reserves, your benchwarmers. Not Coach Rose. Okay, so maybe 20 isn't as 'safe' as it used to be. But 30+, yeah, now you can put in the freshmen to finish out the game. Not Coach Rose. Well, how about 40+... you're as safe as you can get, right? Up 40 with 5 minutes to go? Not Coach Rose.
Against Rice, Weber State, and Boise State, Coach Rose left his starters in almost the whole game. These guys were still running and gunning, bombing threes and throwing alley-oops. The average margin of victory: 34 points. That's right. The opposition will remember the day they played the Cougars. Stay classy Coach Rose.
Now, lets change gears here. I think the BYU Football team's motto for next year should be 'Quest to fire Bronco Mendenhall'. Only 3 big games this year and they lost every one of them. All the blame goes to him for the shelacking TCU gave them... and after a byeweek... seriously Bronco? What are you concentrating on for those two weeks prior? Firesides?
The Utah game wasn't all Mendenhall's fault. Max Hall had the worst game of his career with 5 INTs and a fumble. But after the third interception you'd think Bronco would realize Max wasn't up to the task. As a coach, you want to show your team you trust your guy... but Bronco should have shown some sort of fire, some sort of indication that that game was important. Chew him out. Throw your headset. Do something for crying out loud! Football players feed off each other. They're like a pack of rabid velosa raptors. But if Mama raptor is indifferent on whether they have chicken fried stegasaurus or beer battered triceratops, then the baby raptors won't care either! In other words, passion is an admirable quality in a leader.
Now the AZ game. Yay for the Las Vegas Bowl, again. ... Awesome. We just lost to a 7-5 football team... oh wait 8-5, my bad. BYU was complaining all year that they weren't getting enough love from ESPN and the BCS. We would have been DESTROYED by any other ranked team. How do I know this? Because we just got owned by Arizona.
Give AZ credit. They're a good team. Us getting pounded by them means we're less than good. It probably didn't help BYU any that Max Hall, Austin Collie, and Dennis Pitta were playing pick-up ball on campus during the few weeks before the 'Big Game'. (I played with Max and am convinced he made a smart move by choosing football over basketball.) But honestly, Bronco, that's a smart coaching move: "Yeah, guys... go play basketball on campus with all the washed-up married guys, 18 year old spazzes, and uncoordinated exchange students. Don't worry about the fact that our next game is nationally sponsored and that if we win we all get Nintendo Wii's for the 3rd year in a row. Just don't get hurt." (Did anyone notice Dennis Pitta's knee injury? Wonder how that happened?) Enjoy your Nintendo Wii's Wildcats!
And seriously... he named his kids Breaker, Raider, and Cutter. Some might call that cute, I'd call it child abuse.
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