Canadia

I’ve been thinking about this post for a really long time. I just haven’t gotten around to it. But Canadia has waited long enough… and especially all my Canadian fans. You know who you are. (I really don’t know who you are… do I actually have a Canadian fan??? Probably not if I keep calling it Canadia.)

Canada: The Great White North. The forehead of America. (I now see the difference between Canada and any stereotypical teenaged forehead… none. Craters, snow capped mountains, oil fields… I think you get the picture. And it’s not pretty.) Why dost thou haunt me in my dreams, with your fluffy white snow and ever inviting barren landscape?

Okay, so I don’t really know what is in Canada… besides lumberjacks and some silly French wannabes. But when I look at the map… I don’t see much. Except for the Hudson Bay… which is HUGE. It’s like a giant black hole in the universe, and is just about the same size. Does it seem like the Hudson Bay is a lot bigger than normal bays? Maybe it picks on the other bays… Bully of Bays. (Not to be confused with Billy Mays.)

The other thing I notice on the map are Canadian cities: Montreal, Toronto, and Vancouver. But aren’t they really US cities? I mean, they’re right on the border! Did the Founding Fathers of our great nation make a mistake by not pushing the border just a little bit further north? Maybe. Did they overlook the economic or commercial potential of said cities? Possibly. Did they just throw Canada a bone? Most definitely.

In the words of the great John Adams, “We can’t take all the northern settlements… we need someone of which to make fun.”

The echo of that profound statement rings true today.

So while America was waging war for liberty and establishing a country of freedoms, our northern brother was copying Britain to establish Parliament. The first task of this most esteemed order was to establish a name for which their country would be recognized across the globe. A name that would stand for truth… a name that would strike fear into the hearts of those who heard it… a name that, when uttered, would turn blood to ice.

They tried everything. The name ‘Parantia’ was too silly. ‘Trogglehum’ was too Nordic. And ‘Larry’ just made them laugh and laugh. Parliament soon found this to be a much more serious problem than they had anticipated. How could they run a country if they couldn’t even give it a name? So amidst the laughter they decided to put the problem to rest. They decided to gather all the letters of the alphabet and put them in a long, black top hat. They would then draw, from the hat, the letters that would form the name of their great nation. This they did. “C, eh?” “N, eh?” “D, eh?”

(Man, that was a lot of work for just one measly little joke. But hey, I got to make fun of Canada, so it was so worth it!)

But while I’m on the subject… I think that if I ever went to Canada, I would go to Vancouver. It’s supposed to be amazing. It’s also supposed to be just like Seattle.

Speaking of Vancouver, how about those 2010 Olympic Games?! That was so nice of Canada to invite the US over for a ‘house warming party’… only to be dominated in a friendly competition of ‘Parcheesi’. The same game of ‘Parcheesi’ that they supposedly invented. (This is kind of a crummy analogy and I’m sorry… but substitute ‘Olympics’ for ‘house warming party’ and ‘winter sports’ for ‘parcheesi’ and you might just get what I’m trying to say.)

(And I just noticed that I hate semi-colons… I never know when to use them. I was just about to use one and then I thought, Hmmm I’m not sure if I should. What does it mean to use a semi colon? I don’t know.)

And I should give a salute to the US Men’s Hockey Team for a great Olympics! You made America care, even if it was for just one day. You beat Canada once… and then barley lost to that same Canada team in the Gold Medal game. But hey, that’s nothing to hang your head about. That’s like what happened Bartuvious, from Ancient Greece.

Bartuvious was a mere mortal destined to do amazing things. After defeating all the gods in the grandest of all tournaments, he fought off the Titans on his way up Mount Olympus! He finally reached his ultimate destiny!… only to be zapped by Zeus and his stupid lightning bolt.

Was Bartuvious upset? Sure, maybe a little. Was he bitter? Oh, never! For he knew that the only one who was truly bitter was Zeus. He’s wearing a thinly layered dress/cloak thingy on the top of a super high mountain. It’s freezing cold up there! Dare I say bitter cold? That’s right Canada. Face.

Make Like a Banana...

So right now I’m stuck in the middle of relationship battle between my roommate, Dan, and our new acquaintance as of this semester, who will remain nameless. Well... she kinda needs a name, so I will call her Sarah. ... Oh crap. Her name really is Sarah. Oh well. ... Dan is formerly known in this blog as the ‘know-it-all roommate’ (This is not at all derrogitory. He really does know it all. And by 'all' I mean a lot of things. And by 'a lot' I mean one thing. He knows how to banter.) and there is a rather dapper picture of the guy somewhere among the September posts.

(Also, Sarah may also be referred to as Shara… simply because she wanted to make sure we all know her name is Sara with an H. Kinda like Bret with two T’s or Jenny with an I. Or Caroline with a K… and a double R… and a double L… and a Y… and then, guess what, a double N. Seriously? Karrollynn? Why not just make it easy for us all and double up all the letters. That way the vowels don’t feel left out. Kkaarroollyynn. And then add a silent E on the end just to screw us all up again. I just found the name for my 14th daughter. )

Long story short: they hit it off, she made the first move, he was turned off because she made the first move, I was dragged along as the 5th wheel (aka the odd man out, the spare tire, the baker’s dozen [the box only has room for 12 donuts… why in the world would the baker make 13 and call it his dozen?]), she got mad because he didn’t respond favorably. He was passive, she was aggressive, and I was apprehensive. He wanted to make things normal, she wanted to make out, and I wanted to make like lightning and bolt.

This has gone on for several weeks… basically, she wants to vex my roommate. (Now, I bring this slight variation from a line in Kate and Leopold… mostly because I like that movie. And I really hope that one day, when I jump off a bridge to my assured icy doom, the swirling, cold blackness turns into a time-bending vortex that sends me to another place in time. Like Canada in the late 1800’s. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t care if I carried a midget around in my backpack. I’d cut little holes in the bottom for his little legs and I’d call him Tyrell and feed him Maria cookies. )

Anyways… so I’m dragged along on their little excursions (which have included the movie theater… and the movie theater). Which is fine. Because I can, for about an hour and half, forget that I’m even there. So after Hancock and Wall-e (oh and… Shara paid for my Wall-e ticket because I only had a dollar… in change. Dan didn’t want to break his twenty) we come to a recent conversation between Shara and me. She had previously commented on how Wall-e was our first date. (I’m so glad that I treat all unfamiliar or uncomfortable comments as sarcasm. One of my best defense mechanisms to date.)

Shara -Well, how's life eeevaaa?

Bart -Why am I Eva?

Shara-Would you rather be walle? or the fat president?

Bart-Eva is a girl. Why in the world would I want to be a girl robot?

Shara-Girls are way rad, that's why. Besides, i would let you call me walllleee.

Bart-But I'm not a girl... and why would I call you walle? You're not a boy. Walle is obviously a boy robot.

S-Eva is way hotter so i assigned you the name. That's all.

B-So… when you think of me... you think of a sleek, sexy girl robot?

S-Well, yes. Is that a bad thing?

B-I guess that depends on who you ask. If you ask me... I'd say YES.
Does that not even seem slightly backwards to you?

S-nahhh. i'm just being silly. i don't think of you as a girl.

B-Are you sure?

S-Yeah i'm almost positive.

B-Are you HIV positive?

S-ha ha...how did you know?

B-It's one of those things you just notice... eye boogers, peed pants… HIV.

S-Crap i hope i don't have all three of those...

B-Plus its really hard to hide the fact you have HIV when you're sitting right next to someone... especially in movie theaters... people with HIV seem to glow in the dark.

S-Oh yeah? I'm sure that made you uncomfortable...

B-Well you know how you said it was our first date? It was actually our second.
It was you and Dan's first.

S-it was our second? How so?

B-If you look at two factors... body placement and conversational dialogue. I sat next to you at both movies and participated in small talk/chatter both times. Dan didn’t sit by you the first time, and didn’t really talk to you. Remember how you got mad for two weeks because of that?

S-ooooh yeah...

B-Plus, I was scammed into going to both movies... so i really think of our time together as forced togethernessism.

S-how were you scammed into it? he didn't tell you i would be there or something?

B-I’m a guy. When a roommate asks me: do you want to go to a movie? I automatically know there is some ulterior motive for such a question… usually it’s a girl. So, by default, I'm automatically assigned the role of backup or wingman... whether I want to go or not.

And to think I was in the middle of a baseball game.

S-Wow i wonder if you could say anything else to make me feel any better about the whole situation. I don't really see why he needs a backup, but i guess i am pretty mean and terrifying.

B-From what i can tell...

I don't know about you, but all of this has inspired me to continue my non-existent journey to nowhere in no time with no one. I think the semi-correct approach will be to go backwardsly onward and downsidedly upward in my socially inept hiatus of anything that could be considered 'constructive relationship building'. And to think I was in the middle of a baseball game.