Barttimesnow: shaq

Real Men of Genius. Today we salute you, Mr. Fantasy Basketball Manager Guy. (Mr. Fantasy Basketball Manager Guy!) Every year you assemble your closest friends to prepare for another season in the flop-down, box-out world of make believe b-ball. (It's called a Crab-step!) You were born with the one skill every manager needs to play fantasy basketball... absolutely no skill playing REAL basketball. (Not so good at dribbling!) Imaginary passes, imaginary rebounds. Next up, an imaginary score, with an imaginary woman. (Good imagination!) So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Larry Bird of the bleachers. 'Cause you may always come in dead last, but you'll always be 'first' with us.

Speaking of firsts... lets get to the first round of this years draft. The teams included in the draft are Steven Q. Nash (yours truly), Hannah Montanas (Willie Harnish), Oh bubba noo... (Sean Packard), Nug Nuts (Josh Thein), DA SPURS (Ryan Rodriguez), Cheyenne Harnattacks, (Curtis Harnish), Team Holmes, (Mike Holmes), Team Jacob and Tom (Jacob Weinstock and Tom), Team Little (Jared Little), Brewin and Boozin (Scotty McKell), Psychobilly (Garlan McCoy), and Team Hutchens (Andre Hutchens).

I decided to do what they've done on ESPN: analyze my picks, and your picks, and give insights to how the draft shook-out. You may or may not agree... I really don't care. Just know that you are going to lose, and at the end of this season, you will be a part of the mediocre rubble on which I will stand.

Round 1

What I was thinking: “Did I just wet myself?” You could imagine how elated I was to find Kevin Durant fell to 9th. I was looking for top value in Round One, and I got it. The only thing that Kevin Durant lacks to become one of the best: assists (and a little muscle).

What I liked: Dwade at 3. I know he’s been all over in the first round… so I was glad to see Nug Nuts pick up the MVP! Amare Stoudemire at 12.

What I didn’t like: Brandon Roy at 7 was really surprising. Not a terrible pick, but I’m not so sure he’s a first rounder.

Round 2

What I was thinking: “I hate you Andre.” He picked Steve Nash out of spite (He wanted KD, but there was no way he would fall to 12, so after I took Durant, Andre looked right at me and said, "I'm taking Nash."). So I had to take the next best PG in Calderon. He gives me everything Nash does… but isn't quite the scoring threat. I’m still a little upset.

What I liked: Steve Nash at 13. I would have done the exact same thing. Joe Johnson is like Kobe in fantasy.

What I didn’t like: Paul Pierce at 20. Overrated in all leagues... and life. I hate him.

Round 3

What I was thinking: “Rondo would be great trade bait for Nash.” Unfortunately Rondo was taken right before me. So Brook Lopez was a no brainer. He does everything and was THE center I wanted. I just hope he improves on last years numbers: 13pts, 8r, 2bl, and stellar %.

What I liked: PF’s! Boozer, Murphy, West, Lee.

What I didn’t like: Derrick Rose over a plethora of PG’s. Rose can’t shoot and can’t pass. What else to PG’s do? And Elton Who? (Exactly.)

Round 4

What I was thinking: “Westbrook in round 4!” I was actually thinking this starting in round 1. This kid will make or break my fantasy year. Consider him a less polished, but better shooting, Rajon Rondo. Averaging almost a triple double in the preseason, Westbrook will be on the giving end of many of Durant’s baskets. Plus he’ll give me 5+ rebounds a game, from the pg slot!

What I liked: Monta Ellis. I’m curious to know if Jacob and Tom had their sights on him? Nene. He’s going to do a lot more for Denver… Boom Dizzle at 39. I just want him to dunk on Kirlenko again… sigh.

What I didn’t like: The rest of this round. I don’t know if anyone noticed… but FT % and Missed FT are categories in our league. … Josh Smith, Camby, Okafor, Biedrins. They miss FT's. Arenas was hurt, Jamison is hurt, and Arenas (again) will get hurt. I don’t like Vince Carter in Orl or Gordon sharing time with Rip Hamilton. Is this round over yet?

Round 5

What I was thinking: “Aldridge or Thomas.” Thomas should have every chance to shine in Chicago this year, and I expect him to do just that. 2 blocks a game is real nice!

What I liked: Blake Griffin at 54. Maybe not in round 5, but who’s to say when you draft the ROY? Rudy Gay at 59.

What I didn’t like: Tony Parker over Jameer Nelson. I think Andre is kicking himself over that one.

Round 6

What I was thinking: “Nelson, Nelson, Nelson… oh, Marion.” I really wanted to put Nelson with my already dangerous PG duo of Calderon and Westbrook. But he was drafted right before my pick. The Matrix can do everything. I’m hoping that running along side J. Kidd will resurrect his career, and my fantasy numbers.

What I liked: I didn’t notice this until now, but Hannah Montanas paired Rip Hamilton with his Round 4 pick, Ben Gordon. I tip my hat to Willie for making, what will probably be, the smartest move of the draft.

What I didn’t like: Turkoglu picked before me. Mostly because I don’t like him, but also because he should do well in Toronto. Who else is going to shoot the rock?

Round 7

What I was thinking: “Cherry’s favorite… and grape’s also favorite!” This is where a lot of my favorite fantasy players are drafted. And I knew who I wanted: JR Smith, Ariza, Scola, I just had to wait and see who fell to me. Scola: with Yao out, Scola will own the inside for Houston. And he hits his FT’s.

What I liked: Trevor Ariza. I really wanted to pair Ariza with the Matrix. But once again he was picked right before me. Millsap is consistent behind Boozer.

What I didn’t like: Ramon Sessions over Mario Chalmers or TJ Ford. Ronnie Brewer. Can’t shoot, can’t pass, hustles but not enough to be of value in fantasy, and over JR Smith??? (And after such a stellar Round 6, Willie! You let your Jazz love get the best of you. And my hat is now untipped.)

Round 8

What I was thinking: “I really want Barbosa… buuuut…” I have to admit. I almost didn’t get a pick off. I needed a SG/SF but was so indecisive! So I dropped way down the list and picked Michael Beasley at the last second. He should be good this year and will add versatility to my roster as he will play SF/PF/and even C.

What I liked: Anthony Randolph at 89. If there’s anywhere to bust out it’s in Oakland. TJ Ford is a great pick in these middle to late rounds.

What I didn’t like: Samuel Dalembert. He rebounds and will block a shot occasionally. But that’s it. I wouldn’t have picked him, especially with Oden, Bogut, and Noah still on the board.

Round 9

What I was thinking: “Gotta go with a Sleeper!” And Jason Thompson it was. He scored 20 pts and pulled down 20 rebounds with 2 blocks the other day! He’ll get plenty of playing time in his second season with the Kings.

What I liked: Chalmers is as good a point guard as any, just not as consistent. He can fill up the stat sheet though and he gets a lot of steals! Mike Conley. I would have drafted him before AI got into the Memphis water trough.

What I didn’t like: AI. Period.

Round 10

What I was thinking: “I love Steph Curry!” I love Steph Curry. He’s going to start for Nellie at Golden State, so I feel that there really is no risk taking him here. If there is, it’s the same risk as when drafting any other GS player. PS- I love Steph Curry.

What I liked: the BIRDMAN at 120!! I thought I might have a chance to grab him in round 11. But Willie had other ideas. Mike Bibby is a steal this late!! Great pick, Nug Nuts!

What I didn’t like: Brad Miller. That’s just gross DA SPURS.

Round 11

What I was thinking: “Curse me for loving point guards!” I really need another swingman, a SG/SF. To find Lou Williams this late was just unbelievable. He’s a PG/SG combo who has free reign to do whatever in Philly. His 17 ppg will be a nice addition!

What I liked: To tell you the truth I REALLY wanted Tyreke Evans. He has the build to play PG-PF, and on an injury prone Kings team, he very well might. Battier is a great pickup as well as Grant Hill. Nice work Jared and Andre!

What I didn’t like: Kevin Love. Not because he was drafted, but because I wanted him to fall to me in the next round, just six more spots! He’s a double double machine!

Round 12

What I was thinking: “I NEED a SG!” Brandon Rush was my best option. He’ll play 30 plus minutes coming off the bench. Plus, it's Indiana... all they do is shoot threes.

What I liked: James Harden. I was hoping for Harden but this is a great pick by Andre. TMac. LaShawnda has an all-star caliber player as soon as he’s healthy… and if he gets healthy. Turiaf... blocks, anyone? Blocks are huge this late in the draft. Nice one, Nug Nuts

What I didn’t like: Shaq. Once again: FT %, Missed FT’s, and Turnovers. Congratulations Hannah Montanas, you just punted 3 categories. And you once again baffle me with your inconsistent draftplay!

Round 13

What I was thinking: “Scorer.” Once Channing Frye was taken I had to go to my other favorite run-and-gun team, GS. Azubuike has all the tools to be an amazing player. Hopefully Nellie will give him the opportunity to use them.

What I liked: Channing Frye. He does everything! Especially 3's and scoring. And Hutchens with Carl Landry. Remember, Yao’s out.

What I didn’t like: Stojakovic. Oooo gross.

I must congratulate Nug Nuts for having the best draft, besides mine, of course. Congrats Josh! (Willie, you disappoint me.)

You know him as Shaq, The Diesel, Daddy, and Shaq Fu. The Big Cactus, The Big Shaqtus, The Big Galactus. Wilt Chamberneezy, The Big Baryshnikov, and Shaq Albert. Yes, Shaquille O’Neal is a man of many names. But my personal favorite, which just barely edged out the runner-up Kazaam, (and if you haven’t seen the movie Kazaam, you MUST) is also the most recent: The Black Michael Phelps.

I’ll have to admit, I laughed pretty hard when I first heard it. But as it rolled around in my head for a few minutes, the thought kept coming back to me: MTV Deathmatch: Shaquille O’Neal vs Michael Phelps. Lets get it on! No, but really… comparing them seems absurd.

First of all, ‘The Big Aristotle’ is black. This automatically separates them by eons and schwartamuhranacks (This is a word I just made up. It means: lots more than ‘a lot’.) Everyone knows black people are better athletes, better dancers, and better singers. In his prime, ‘The Big Elvis’ could probably sing, dance, run, and jump among the best of them. And even though Michael had a lot of practice singing the National Anthem in Beijing this summer, I don’t see him coming out with an album anytime soon.

‘Big Shaq Daddy’, on the other hand, has been rapping since 1993 and has released five albums (not counting compilations or soundtracks). Two of which were Gold certified by the RIAA. What’s even more amazing is that more than one million people bought his debut album, Shaq Diesel. One million plus! That’s right, ‘Osama Bin Shaq’ has gone platinum. Hey, Mike… call me the next time you win a Platinum medal.

Now, obviously, Michael Phelps is the best swimmer in the world, galaxy, universe… um, ever. (This includes past, present, and future swimmers, from other galaxies and universes, and spans accross all time continuums and the intergalactical existence of space. He's that good.) I was among the millions jumping and shouting at the TV during his come-from-behind victory in the 100m butterfly for his 7th gold. (Not to overshadow Jason Lezak’s improbable run-down of the Aussie, Alain Bernard, in the anchor leg of the 4X100 m freestyle relay, which kept Phelp’s hopes for 8 gold alive.) And never have I witnessed a more rigorous domination than what I saw from him in swimming those 17 events in 9 days. Truly it was an awe-inspiring, gutsy performance by one of our generations greatest atheletes. So how will the greatest Olympian of all time fare in a 100 meter race against ‘M.D.E. (most dominant ever)’?

Yeah, um, never mind. I’ve decided that there’s really no need to even attempt to put on such a spectacle. The only way 'The Land Shark’ could beat Phelps swimming, is if the pool was only ten feet long. One full extension from the 7’1” ‘Big Fella’ and the race is over. Hmmmm… that gives me an idea.

Shaq Attack vs. Phelps: a best-of-three, winner-take-all series. It will take place in a neutral arena, (We’ll say Mexico because Canada would give ‘The Big Deporter’ an advantage. He could get tips from Steve Nash.) and the two competitors will wager twenty-three items of extreme importance and value.

Phelps will put his 21 gold medals and 2 bronze medals, from the ’04 and ‘08 Olympics and the ’07 World Championships, up against ‘The Yellow Submarines’:
4 NBA Championship rings,

1 NBA MVP award,
1 NBA Rookie of the Year award,
3 NBA Finals MVP awards,
2 All-Star MVP awards,
1 FIBA World Championship gold medal,

1 Olympic gold medal,
1 High School state title ,
1 framed Bachelor’s degree,
1 online Masters in Business Administration,
5 RIAA gold certified albums,
1 RIAA Platinum* certified album,
and 1 gold-plated, honorary, U.S. Deputy Marshall's badge.

(*According to the Barttimesnow Gold, Platinum, and Other Fine Artifacts Committee, the platinum album is the equivalent of 4 Olympic gold medals. Thus, compensating for any perceived ‘lack of value’ of ‘Dr. Shaq’s high school state title, bachelor’s degree, and master’s degree. Thus, keeping the bet even at 23 items per contestant.)

The three events will take place in this order: the 100 meter freestyle, the 10 foot freestyle, and the 5 bazillion meter backstroke in a pool of Jello. May the best Superman win.