I'm a Try Athlete

My flag football team lost in the playoffs… again. Now, normally I would care a whole lot because I’m a competitive person and I HATE losing. But this time, I didn’t really have any expectations for the team, and so I shrug my shoulders and continue on. The only problem is that when I actually shrug my shoulders, I have a sharp pain in my chest. I think I may have dislocated a rib… from my sternum. (The last time I checked, that’s not normal.)

Anyone that knows me knows that I like sports. I like the thrill of competition. I like the excitement that comes with success. I like the anticipation that I just might see something that has never been done before.

Anyone that knows me also knows that my affinity for sports endows me with a magnetism for injury. Sprained wrists, pulled hamstrings, twisted ankles… bumps, bruises, scars… jammed fingers, dislocated ribs, strained ligaments… concussions, fat lips, and a broken nose. You name it, I probably hurt it.

But I, like many others, keep coming back for more. Are we athletes? We think we are. Are we idiots? Maybe. Are we quitters? Most definitely not. (Should we quit? We shouldn’t have even started.) As a tribute to all of you who almost won the State Title in high school, to all of you who played JV ball as seniors, and to all of you who ever tripped before crossing the finish line, I offer a way to erase all the disappointing yesterdays and once again hope for a promising tomorrow. Three words: Full-contact triathlons.

For those of you who don’t know what a triathlon is, (stop reading this, get into your Toy Story sheets, and tell your mom via text message that you’re ready to be tucked in. If she brings you cookies and milk, it will be the greatest achievement of your life.) it is an endurance sports event that includes swimming, cycling and running various distances. The standard "Olympic Distance" is 1.5 km swim, 40 km bike, and 10 km run. (For those of you uneducated in the metric system, that is the equivalent of 0.93 mile swim, 24.8 mile bike, and 6.2 mile run.)

My friend recently completed one last month. He said, “It is super lame. No one even got tackled. And when you try to tackle someone you get DQ'd.” (That’s ‘disqualified’ not ‘Dairy Queened’.) So all of us here at Barttimesnow (which is basically… me, myself, and I) have decided to help evolve the often boring triathlon world by creating the very first full-contact triathlon.

Although the total distance may vary between the “Olympic Distance” and the “Sprint Distance” (which is half of the “Olympic Distance”), the race will be just like any other triathlon… except now every competitor will be armed with a bucket of tennis balls. This will incorporate the ‘dodging’ element. Every competitor hit with a tennis ball will get 5 seconds added to their total time.

Some members of the Barttimesnow Alliance of Revamping Triathlons, aka the B.A.R.T., had reservations about allowing full-contact in the swimming portion of the race. (Okay, even I’m still laughing at that acronym.) Here is a sneak peak of their Alliance meeting:

I said, “How much contact is allowed? We definitely don’t want anyone drowning.”

Me responded with, “There is no room for sissies when forging ahead with a new sport.”

Myself scratched his head.

And after several minutes of silence, Me caved in. “Okay, fine. Water contact will be limited to leg pulling, kidney punches and dunking.”

I: Good... now on to the cycling. I think tire slashing should be allowed… but only if the slashing is done by organic/natural items found within the racing boundaries.

Me: Oh! I know you are itchin’ to wedge some sticks in some spokes!

I: Oh you know it... I also think we should make it mandatory that all cyclists have 'baseball card motorcycle noise makers' attached to the rear of the bike. If the noise makers fall off, they have to let Nitro, from American Gladiators, put them in an Ultimate Death Scorpion Headlock for 1 minute and 23 seconds.

Myself stopped scratching his head.

Me: Absolutely. The competitors have to keep track of their baseball card noise making devices or pay the price. Also I want that Michael Buffer guy who announces the wrestling matches to MC. And I want fireworks.

The B.A.R.T. has also decided that if this is going to be the sport of the future it must be the ultimate challenge. It will also test the mental abilities as well as the emotional stability of each contestant. To enter you must have family and friends compile a list of your most embarrassing moments and then as you race you will be taunted by an old man who will be given the list (and by ‘old man’ I mean Major Payne). You must also recite the Bill of Rights and do some basic mathematics after you complete the swim, but before you cross the finish line. (Upon further review we have decided to rotate from the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Emancipation Proclamation... so every race you will have to recite something different.)

Now all we need is funding and some on call medics... (aka a plethora of paramedics).

If anyone has connections to the following companies/sponsors, please notify the B.A.R.T. as soon as possible: Nike for Women, Budweiser, and Oprah… Fisher-Price, Kellogs, and Miley Cyrus. Implementation will begin as soon as funding is received.

Dick and Rick Hoyt

The Black Michael Phelps

You know him as Shaq, The Diesel, Daddy, and Shaq Fu. The Big Cactus, The Big Shaqtus, The Big Galactus. Wilt Chamberneezy, The Big Baryshnikov, and Shaq Albert. Yes, Shaquille O’Neal is a man of many names. But my personal favorite, which just barely edged out the runner-up Kazaam, (and if you haven’t seen the movie Kazaam, you MUST) is also the most recent: The Black Michael Phelps.

I’ll have to admit, I laughed pretty hard when I first heard it. But as it rolled around in my head for a few minutes, the thought kept coming back to me: MTV Deathmatch: Shaquille O’Neal vs Michael Phelps. Lets get it on! No, but really… comparing them seems absurd.

vs

First of all, ‘The Big Aristotle’ is black. This automatically separates them by eons and schwartamuhranacks (This is a word I just made up. It means: lots more than ‘a lot’.) Everyone knows black people are better athletes, better dancers, and better singers. In his prime, ‘The Big Elvis’ could probably sing, dance, run, and jump among the best of them. And even though Michael had a lot of practice singing the National Anthem in Beijing this summer, I don’t see him coming out with an album anytime soon.

‘Big Shaq Daddy’, on the other hand, has been rapping since 1993 and has released five albums (not counting compilations or soundtracks). Two of which were Gold certified by the RIAA. What’s even more amazing is that more than one million people bought his debut album, Shaq Diesel. One million plus! That’s right, ‘Osama Bin Shaq’ has gone platinum. Hey, Mike… call me the next time you win a Platinum medal.

Now, obviously, Michael Phelps is the best swimmer in the world, galaxy, universe… um, ever. (This includes past, present, and future swimmers, from other galaxies and universes, and spans accross all time continuums and the intergalactical existence of space. He's that good.) I was among the millions jumping and shouting at the TV during his come-from-behind victory in the 100m butterfly for his 7th gold. (Not to overshadow Jason Lezak’s improbable run-down of the Aussie, Alain Bernard, in the anchor leg of the 4X100 m freestyle relay, which kept Phelp’s hopes for 8 gold alive.) And never have I witnessed a more rigorous domination than what I saw from him in swimming those 17 events in 9 days. Truly it was an awe-inspiring, gutsy performance by one of our generations greatest atheletes. So how will the greatest Olympian of all time fare in a 100 meter race against ‘M.D.E. (most dominant ever)’?

Yeah, um, never mind. I’ve decided that there’s really no need to even attempt to put on such a spectacle. The only way 'The Land Shark’ could beat Phelps swimming, is if the pool was only ten feet long. One full extension from the 7’1” ‘Big Fella’ and the race is over. Hmmmm… that gives me an idea.

Shaq Attack vs. Phelps: a best-of-three, winner-take-all series. It will take place in a neutral arena, (We’ll say Mexico because Canada would give ‘The Big Deporter’ an advantage. He could get tips from Steve Nash.) and the two competitors will wager twenty-three items of extreme importance and value.

Phelps will put his 21 gold medals and 2 bronze medals, from the ’04 and ‘08 Olympics and the ’07 World Championships, up against ‘The Yellow Submarines’:
4 NBA Championship rings,
1 NBA MVP award,
1 NBA Rookie of the Year award,
3 NBA Finals MVP awards,
2 All-Star MVP awards,
1 FIBA World Championship gold medal,

1 Olympic gold medal,
1 High School state title ,
1 framed Bachelor’s degree,
1 online Masters in Business Administration,
5 RIAA gold certified albums,
1 RIAA Platinum* certified album,
and 1 gold-plated, honorary, U.S. Deputy Marshall's badge.

(*According to the Barttimesnow Gold, Platinum, and Other Fine Artifacts Committee, the platinum album is the equivalent of 4 Olympic gold medals. Thus, compensating for any perceived ‘lack of value’ of ‘Dr. Shaq’s high school state title, bachelor’s degree, and master’s degree. Thus, keeping the bet even at 23 items per contestant.)

The three events will take place in this order: the 100 meter freestyle, the 10 foot freestyle, and the 5 bazillion meter backstroke in a pool of Jello. May the best Superman win.