B.T.I.

Another fake episode of Bart and Dan. Why is it fake? Because the Bart and Dan TV show isn't real, thus making what really happens in our actual lives fake to the characters in Bart and Dan, and to the rest of you. So what if there are over 20 episodes stored somewhere on my hard drive? It doesn’t mean it exists.

Real or not, this is a glimpse of our life at work. Enjoy.


Somewhere in-between saving the world and answering the phone, an idea gently wrests on the furrowed brow of Daniel Criddle.

Dan: wouldn't be silly if chickens ‘barted’ instead of ‘clucked’?

baaaa...
baaaaaart
baaa.. ba. baaaaart.
baa BAAART!

Bart: Silly indeed. But what if every animal everywhere barted?

Daniel :

BAAaart-bart-bart-bart-bart. Those are the ugly ducks in Spain…
BAAAAAAAART!! That was a bear.
..... …. That was a giraffe

Bart: Giraffes have to make some sort of noise.

Daniel:

*rustling leaves noise
*long tongue slurp noise
*whacking necks together noise

Bart: ahhhh yes… who could forget the *whacking necks together noise?

Daniel: Unfortunately, none of those sound remotely like bart. … but whacking necks would probably be closest.

Bart: I guess we'll just have to kill off all the giraffes for not conforming to our new mold of animal society.

Daniel: Not necessary, they'll just think in bart.

Bart: mmmm... that almost works... and I’d rather deal with semi-conforming rebel giraffes than deal with giraffe blood. It’s sticky, and smells like burnt nose hair. The only noticeable loophole is that giraffe thoughts are indiscernible. If they decide to plot an uprising by falling back to their old giraffe thoughts... we would never know. And then... BAM. Giraffe riot. Not quite zoot suit riot. But close.

Daniel: But that's the beauty of bart thought. Once it is implemented, the simplicity of bart makes it impossible to overcome. It’s not nearly as complicated as heehaaaw or meow with their dual syllables. And oink has the terrible schwa that can make pronunciation difficult for some. Bart is just consonant vowel consonant. There is no animal code that can override that.

Bart: Yes, but moo could cause some static in bart thought... it is very easy to code and is monosyllabic... not to mention very fun to say... and even funner to think...

Daniel: True, the cows would pose a weak spot in bart think implementation, but we have the strength of all the other farm animals on our side. And we control their milking schedules.

Barttimesnow Topic-Contest Winner!

The official results are in! We, here at Barttimesnow, would like to thank the millions of participants from all over the world! We have spent countless hours opening fan mail and reading through your entries. Because of your tireless enthusiasm and innumerable entries, we have spent far too many hours deciding on a winner. (AKA I lost my job and have been banned from any and all Foot Locker retail stores. I guess that’s a different story… a story that may or may not be told.)

We put all the entries in a hat –but because there were millions and millions of entries. and only so many can fit in my Florida Marlins baseball cap, we put as many as could fit in the cap and picked one. We then repeated this process over and over and over again, until we picked enough ‘winners’ to fill the cap one last time. We then pulled the final winning entry from the cap…. And we then drew one more time because we didn’t like the idea of writing about how ‘Obama deserves the Nobel Peace Prize’. (Really people? I said ‘interesting’ and ‘fun’ ideas… not to mention ideas that can be legitimately argued...) But we are proud to announce that after many reshuffles and a few scratched entries, we have chosen a winner.

And the winner is…ahem, drumroll please. … The winner is… now, where did that piece of paper go… I know it’s around here somewhere. … hang on, I’ll be right back… Hey, Dan! Have you seen that paper… that paper I was writing on… yes, I know how to write… yes, that also means I know how to read… I don’t know, probably like two days ago… it looked like a piece of paper, with writing on it… what do you mean ‘was it well written’?!... I’d say my penmanship nearly matches my grammatical schematics… yeah, I don’t know where that drumming is coming from… do you know where that paper is or not?... no, I do NOT need a Kleenex, thank you very much!… …

Sorry about that. Found it. The winner is:... Oh that's terrible. I demand a recount.

Bart and Dan- Episode 5

So... this is the last episode I'll be posting in written format... I really don't want to spoil the rest of the season in case we decide to actually film these. But here's a taste of Episode 5... enjoy!

Episode 5- Ping Pong

(Dan’s playing ping pong. Bart comes in)

B: It’s the Dan. …. Why do you play ping pong? You’re not China knees.

D: Uh, I think you mean Chinese.

B: That’s what I said… China knees.

D: No, I’m not CHInese. But you know ping pong is world renown sport, right? Not only do the Chinese play it. But also the Korean, German, Vietnamese, Japanese…

B: … the Italian knees, the Mexico knees, the America knees...
___________________________________________

B: So if you play ping pong so much… why aren’t you good at table tennis?

D: I AM good at table tennis. Table tennis and ping pong are the same thing.

B: If they were the same thing then wouldn’t they be called the same thing?

D: Not if their sameness is represented within the thing. Argh. Do I really have to dumb this down for you? They're the same.

B: Obviously they’re not the same. In ping pong you use ping bong balls. In table tennis you use table tennis balls.

D: Do you even know what a table tennis ball is?

B: It’s a tennis ball… but smaller.... with a table in it… under the net serve, out of bounds line judge.
________________________________________

Dan decides to teach Bart how to play.

(Bart doesn’t have a paddle)

B: Why don’t I have a paddle?

D: Who told you you have to have a paddle?

B: Well… I just thought…

D: Yeah well don’t. Did Mr. Miagi give Danielson a samurai sword? No. He gave him a bucket of soapy water. Did Trainer Mickey give Rocky Balboa boxing gloves? No. He put him in a meat locker. Did Darth Vader give Luke Skywalker a lightsaber? No. He cut off his hand.

(Bart gets pelted by ping pong balls)
____________________________________________

Bart and Dan- Episode 2

**Since we've had a flood/tidal wave of comments from the Pilot episode (thanks mom), we've decided to share Episode 2 with you. We want you all to know that this is serious and we're serious. So, SO serious.


Episode 2- Bart Writes A Theme Song For The Band They’re Not In


Scene 1

Bart is sitting with large earmuff headphones mumbling to different songs: (Almost maybe similarly kinda like the Lebron James commercial)

I Don’t Wanna Wait- Paula Cole

Quit Playing Games- BSB

If We Were a Movie- Hannah Montana

Encarnacion- Nacho Libre

Big Girls Don’t Cry- Fergie

____________________________________

Scene 2

Montage of Bart playing different ‘instruments’: Guitar hero/ plastic recorder/ harmonica

B is playing the harmonica and slowly transitions to licking it.

D: Is that ketchup?

_____________________________________

Scene 3: Real guitar

B: See, guitar hero really does make you the guitar’s hero. I just saved this *brand name* six string acoustic from the burning, hot flames of a three-story house fire.

D: No you didn’t.

B: Well I rescued her from an evil tyrannical oppressor.

D: You took it from Cameron’s room.

(shot of Cameron with shirt off rubbing his belly and brushing his teeth)

B: *playing and singing* Let your hair down, Repunzel… and I’ll save you from the evil tyrant who’s badguy name is Cameron…

___________________________________

Closing Scene

Dan plays amazingly on the classical guitar.

Bart and Dan- Pilot

*Many of you have been whining and complaining that I haven't posted in for-ev-ER. (Mainly Tia and Will-Boy.) But I want you all to know I've been writing... my own TV show! It's called 'Bart and Dan' and shows us being us. I was going to surprise you all and post the videos. But since Dan and I haven't had time to film I'll give you the Pilot episode. And lets be honest here. It's only a small nibble of what will soon rival Seinfeld for America's #1 Sit-com.


Extended Pilot's First Rough Draft Outline

Scene 1 (Bart and dan on couch)
B: We should start making videos
First thing we need- band name! (without hesitation) Flight of the Conchords.

D: First of all… the first thing we need is a camera and video editing software. Both of which I don’t have. Secondly… we’re not in a band. Even if there was a band to be in, WE wouldn't be in it because YOU suck at playing stuff… and you can’t use that name.

(bart starts dancing and flapping his arms) It’s like we’re flying… we’re happy, elated birds… look at us… bein’ birds…. wait, wha?

D: Someone already has that band name.

B: I don’t believe it.

D: That doesn't matter, it’s true.

B: (Runs off) Google it!

___________________________________________

Scene 2
(at computer)
D: See. These guys already use that name.

B: So. We can still use it.

D; No we can’t. It’s called copyright infringement.

B: : (mumbling to himself) I'll show you lopynight debingement... huh wha?
Look. Just because someone uses a name doesn’t mean we can’t use it too. Look at Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan. Jennifer Garner and Jennifer ‘I love you’ Hewitt. Paris Hilton and… Paris… France.

D: That's not the same.

B: Why? It should be.

D: Naming a person is different than naming a band.

B: Is it though? Is it? (sarcastic at first… then sincerely interested) No but really… is it?

D: Touche. . .Look you just can't use that name. People will get confused and think that we are the Flight of the Chonchords from New Zealand, which might increase our viewership initially, but more than likely people would just feel ripped off since we are not the Original Flight of the Chonchords.

B: But what if we were the Flight of . . .

D:Just think of a different name. (walks off)

_____________________________________________

Scene 3
(dan walks in- bart is lying on the floor surrounded by crumpled up pieces of paper)
(whiteboard covered with alterations of ‘Flight of the Conchords’
Might of the A-chord, D-chord etc. And one really long name with all sorts of music terms that don’t make any sense)

B: (clearly dying from dehydration) Need… water…

D: What the Bart?!…Dude, you look horrible. How long have you been here?

B: Four days. I just want to be a bird.

____________________________________________

Closing scene
(Bart makes dan put out his arms then connects his stetched out arms to dans)
B: (whispers to dan) Okay, now flap!
D: You know it’s a condor, right?

B: (smiling) Look, we’re a two headed concord. Kaka!

A Ninja in Embryo

My know-it-all-roommate Dan and I have funny conversations. (To find out more about Dan, please click the 'Dan' label at the bottom of this post.) Sometimes they're really funny. But mostly they're a complete waste of time, kind of like this blog. Sometimes when I'm upstairs and he's downstairs we'll chat screen-to-screen rather than face-to-face.

Dan: Holy cow, I want a ninja sword. You should come watch this Time Warp. Hurry. They are going to chop pig flesh.

Bart: What in the world makes you think I want to watch pig flesh chopping?

Dan: 'Cause it is awesome! Holy cow! It cut clean through the bone!

Bart: Don't you mean holy sow?

Dan: Wow. He chopped a raw egg without cutting the yoke. I am so getting a sword. I have often needed to chop a raw egg without damaging the yoke and have never had the proper tool...

Bart: ...or skills.

D: Whatever. I am obviously a ninja.

B: Just because you have a ninja sword doesn't mean you have ninja skills. And vice versa.

D: Ping pong skills translate directly to sword swinging... and ninja skills.

B: Which translate directly to killing skills?

D: Well... yes, but I wouldn't need to do any killing with my sword. That's what handguns are for.

B: But what about embryonic chicken feti?

(feti is the plural for fetus. Other examples of this type of pluralization include but are not limited to the following: focus-foci, radius-radii, cactus-cacti, octupus-octupi, alumnus-alumni, platypus-platupi, fungus-fungi, hippopotamus-hippopotami, preying mantis-preying manti, mattress-mattri, Barticus-Barticai, etc.)

D: They are already dead from the cryonics.

B: They are already crying from the death.

D: Well... stuff happens. I'm done bugging you now.

B: Good. Because I'm done letting you bug me.

Proof That Robots Rule the World

Well, at least Dan’s world. And because I am partially in Dan’s world (like right now, for example, because we are in the same room and semi-coversating with one another) I would be considered a part of his world. And all of you who have ever been a part of my world are also considered to be a part of Dan’s world, because you make up part of my world which makes up part of Dan’s world. In other words, we are all inter-partially connected to Dan and his world.

Dan, the know-it-all-roommate (to find out what I mean by know-it-all, please refer to the Oct. 29 post of 2008 entitled Make Like a Banana… ) was once a carefree, innocent boy. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. He slept late, ate a lot of fast food, and played table tennis at least 3 times a week. Dan was happy.

One day, a package arrived at his door. “Where did this come from?” laughed the hot-haired Dan. The package was more than small, and contained quite the surprise.

Little did he know that the surprise was an evil, manipulating, 21st centurion ping pong robot sent to rule the world. His name: Robo-pong.

So, Dan, still clueless, set up Robo-pong in the basement of a nearby apartment complex, Miller. After 15 minutes of pure jubilation, Dan was hooked. Like a kid with crack, or a junkie with candy (hmmm… or is it the other way around?), Dan was no longer his own man. He was the man of an evil, manipulating, 21st centurion ping pong robot named Robo-pong that was sent to rule the world.

Dan, thinking of Robo-pong as a means to end (that ‘end’ being Ping Pong Perfection), rather than an endlessly, mean tyrant, continued to serve him and care for him. Nearly every day, Dan would set him up on the end of a ping pong table, make sure he had his safety net, and feed him ping pong balls for hours on end. (Robo-pong especially likes the orange ones. They taste like burning.) Endearing feelings for Robo-pong increased. Dan was elated.
Then, on a crisp, autumn afternoon, Robo-pong felt Dan’s attentions were drifting. One Stephanie, two Stephanies, maybe even a third… “Something must be done,” snickered Robo-pong.

He referred to his copy the coveted New York Time’s Bestseller, How to Rule the World: a handbook for evil, manipulating, 21st centurion ping pong robots sent to rule the world. (For any of you who have dictator/tyrannical robots at home, Christmas is coming up and this is a great gift for any robot searching for ways to enslave the human race and destroy your life! Only $19.95 at Amazon.com. Get it today!) For the next several days, Robo-pong tried every suggestion in the book: backspin, topspin, sidespin, oscillation, and even rapid fire. He knew time was running out. So he made Dan buy him his own table (ten dollars on Craigslist).

Dan, still in a state of oblivion, asked me to help him transport the table. After a short consultation with Prime (to find out who Prime is, please refer to the Nov. 2, 2008 post entitled, Robots in Disguise.) I decided I would help him. The poor sap was nearly at wits end. (Well, not really. But for the sake of the story…) Tears were in his eyes. There was a slight shakiness to his voice.

I helped Dan negotiate the price. (It was listed at $10 on Craigslist, we wouldn’t pay a penny less.) I helped dust and sand and smooth. I even helped find a place in our house for Robo-pong’s new ‘throne’.
I’ll admit, I knew Robo-pong was an evil, manipulating, 21st centurion ping pong robot sent to rule the world from the start (some robots just have that vibe), and that Dan was in grave danger for his life, but I was extremely fascinated by the whole situation. And I was kinda curious to see where it was all going. Would Dan find out that he was being brainwashed? Would Dan snap and go crazy and kill me, thinking I was Robo-pong’s sidekick?

Would Dan… “Oh, hey Dan! Back from the store? I’m almost finished with my new post. It’s kinda about you. … Why are you breathing so heavy? Did you go skating? … Why do you have that extra vein popping from your forehead? You usually only get that when you’re really upset. …

“What are you doing running at me with that extremely large, sharp looking war scythe… ….”

YoYo- Ma or Yo kidz Mama?

A recent conversation between my buddy Dan and I while enjoying some instrumental music on a Sunday evening:

Dan: If I could find a girl that played like this…(referring to the skill level of YoYo-Ma) I would marry her on the spot.

Bart: What is she playing?

Dan (responding in a more forceful way, thinking I didn’t hear him the first time) If… I…could… ….

Bart: I know, I know!... But what is she playing??

D: The cello.

B: So why don’t you find someone who can play the cello?

D:(With the most serious, disgruntled face imaginable) Cause I don’t want to get married on the spot!

(At this point I’ve rolled over laughing, and he continues to explain while starting to laugh himself) Because if I did meet her, I’d have to marry her right there. I’d be obligated.

B: Because she's masterful at playing the cello?

D: Yes.

PS. I’ve recently found out that in Mormon society, about 80% of the guys date 20% of the girls.