Bart and Dan- Episode 5

So... this is the last episode I'll be posting in written format... I really don't want to spoil the rest of the season in case we decide to actually film these. But here's a taste of Episode 5... enjoy!

Episode 5- Ping Pong

(Dan’s playing ping pong. Bart comes in)

B: It’s the Dan. …. Why do you play ping pong? You’re not China knees.

D: Uh, I think you mean Chinese.

B: That’s what I said… China knees.

D: No, I’m not CHInese. But you know ping pong is world renown sport, right? Not only do the Chinese play it. But also the Korean, German, Vietnamese, Japanese…

B: … the Italian knees, the Mexico knees, the America knees...
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B: So if you play ping pong so much… why aren’t you good at table tennis?

D: I AM good at table tennis. Table tennis and ping pong are the same thing.

B: If they were the same thing then wouldn’t they be called the same thing?

D: Not if their sameness is represented within the thing. Argh. Do I really have to dumb this down for you? They're the same.

B: Obviously they’re not the same. In ping pong you use ping bong balls. In table tennis you use table tennis balls.

D: Do you even know what a table tennis ball is?

B: It’s a tennis ball… but smaller.... with a table in it… under the net serve, out of bounds line judge.
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Dan decides to teach Bart how to play.

(Bart doesn’t have a paddle)

B: Why don’t I have a paddle?

D: Who told you you have to have a paddle?

B: Well… I just thought…

D: Yeah well don’t. Did Mr. Miagi give Danielson a samurai sword? No. He gave him a bucket of soapy water. Did Trainer Mickey give Rocky Balboa boxing gloves? No. He put him in a meat locker. Did Darth Vader give Luke Skywalker a lightsaber? No. He cut off his hand.

(Bart gets pelted by ping pong balls)
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Proof That Robots Rule the World

Well, at least Dan’s world. And because I am partially in Dan’s world (like right now, for example, because we are in the same room and semi-coversating with one another) I would be considered a part of his world. And all of you who have ever been a part of my world are also considered to be a part of Dan’s world, because you make up part of my world which makes up part of Dan’s world. In other words, we are all inter-partially connected to Dan and his world.

Dan, the know-it-all-roommate (to find out what I mean by know-it-all, please refer to the Oct. 29 post of 2008 entitled Make Like a Banana… ) was once a carefree, innocent boy. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. He slept late, ate a lot of fast food, and played table tennis at least 3 times a week. Dan was happy.

One day, a package arrived at his door. “Where did this come from?” laughed the hot-haired Dan. The package was more than small, and contained quite the surprise.

Little did he know that the surprise was an evil, manipulating, 21st centurion ping pong robot sent to rule the world. His name: Robo-pong.

So, Dan, still clueless, set up Robo-pong in the basement of a nearby apartment complex, Miller. After 15 minutes of pure jubilation, Dan was hooked. Like a kid with crack, or a junkie with candy (hmmm… or is it the other way around?), Dan was no longer his own man. He was the man of an evil, manipulating, 21st centurion ping pong robot named Robo-pong that was sent to rule the world.

Dan, thinking of Robo-pong as a means to end (that ‘end’ being Ping Pong Perfection), rather than an endlessly, mean tyrant, continued to serve him and care for him. Nearly every day, Dan would set him up on the end of a ping pong table, make sure he had his safety net, and feed him ping pong balls for hours on end. (Robo-pong especially likes the orange ones. They taste like burning.) Endearing feelings for Robo-pong increased. Dan was elated.
Then, on a crisp, autumn afternoon, Robo-pong felt Dan’s attentions were drifting. One Stephanie, two Stephanies, maybe even a third… “Something must be done,” snickered Robo-pong.

He referred to his copy the coveted New York Time’s Bestseller, How to Rule the World: a handbook for evil, manipulating, 21st centurion ping pong robots sent to rule the world. (For any of you who have dictator/tyrannical robots at home, Christmas is coming up and this is a great gift for any robot searching for ways to enslave the human race and destroy your life! Only $19.95 at Amazon.com. Get it today!) For the next several days, Robo-pong tried every suggestion in the book: backspin, topspin, sidespin, oscillation, and even rapid fire. He knew time was running out. So he made Dan buy him his own table (ten dollars on Craigslist).

Dan, still in a state of oblivion, asked me to help him transport the table. After a short consultation with Prime (to find out who Prime is, please refer to the Nov. 2, 2008 post entitled, Robots in Disguise.) I decided I would help him. The poor sap was nearly at wits end. (Well, not really. But for the sake of the story…) Tears were in his eyes. There was a slight shakiness to his voice.

I helped Dan negotiate the price. (It was listed at $10 on Craigslist, we wouldn’t pay a penny less.) I helped dust and sand and smooth. I even helped find a place in our house for Robo-pong’s new ‘throne’.
I’ll admit, I knew Robo-pong was an evil, manipulating, 21st centurion ping pong robot sent to rule the world from the start (some robots just have that vibe), and that Dan was in grave danger for his life, but I was extremely fascinated by the whole situation. And I was kinda curious to see where it was all going. Would Dan find out that he was being brainwashed? Would Dan snap and go crazy and kill me, thinking I was Robo-pong’s sidekick?

Would Dan… “Oh, hey Dan! Back from the store? I’m almost finished with my new post. It’s kinda about you. … Why are you breathing so heavy? Did you go skating? … Why do you have that extra vein popping from your forehead? You usually only get that when you’re really upset. …

“What are you doing running at me with that extremely large, sharp looking war scythe… ….”