Thursday. THA-hurs-day. Thirsty. Yes. It is that day. Not quite the weekend, but not really a weekday. And you're stuck at work/summer school/in-laws. And you need a beverage. So you decide to check out Bart's blog. It HAS been a while, hasn't it? You're expecting another mild romp through the coursing adventure of what was formerly known as 'A Bart's Life'. Hmmm... not so. You quickly scan the pictures of Hanley Ramirez to make sure he hasn't changed any of them... Nope. The All-Star is still there, in All his glory.
Then, you hear it. The pluck of a banjo and the twang of a southern accent. You're confused. You don't quite know what you're hearing... is it from YOUR I-tunes? ... No. You check to see if you left the radio on... that's a negative as well. All of a sudden the sweet melodic voice of Taylor Swift slides through your ear canal. 'AAAAArg,' you think. 'Where is that dag-blasted music coming from?' You can't take it any more. It's time to pull a move from 'The Bartlot' and lace up your Chuck Taylors and make a run for it. You scroll frantically for the player on Bart's blog. You scroll and scroll and scroll. ... And scroll.
You're almost in panic mode now. And do you know what panic leads to? Acceptance. There's no way you'll let this upbeat, pop-like rubbish get the best of you! Is there any way out of 'The Bartrix'?! You finally make it down to the player... but right as you're about to push the 'stop' button YOU stop. You can't believe it! You're tapping your foot to the likes of Kellie Pickler! 'Noooooooooooooo!'
Yes. I know what you thought. You thought you could just shut it off. You thought you could beat the system. But you couldn't. And you didn't. And guess what? Now you're hooked to country music. Living in Wyoming will do that to you. So will not having the strength to push the stupid 'stop' button. At least I can use the first one as an excuse... what about you?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Numero Uno... and Dos
The other day my uncle said in passing, "Oh, I think the Fish are coming to town this weekend." Immediately, flashes of leather mitts and wooden bats crossed in front of my eyes. The smell of fresh-cut grass and May rain clouds invaded my nostrils. The salty taste of peanuts and sunflower seeds, hot dogs and pistachios caused my salivatory glands to ignite. I wiped the drool off my chin as I drifted back to reality.
Armed with my tickets and my Florida Marlins shirt, myself, Bret, Dad, and Curtis set off to Denver. We arrived just in time to watch Florida's batting practice.
We strolled down to our section and down the rows. 10, 9, 8, getting closer and closer, 7... but we were far TOO close to be in the sixth row? Maybe they misnumbered the seats... or we were in the wrong section. But there it was... two rows up from the dugout... row number six. "Is this right?" came the question amid 'Holy Cow!'s and 'Wow!'s. No one ever told us that the dugout actually consists of rows 1-4.
Later that day, I figured I'd take a gander, sneak a peek, 'window shop' (you know... just for the heck of it...) to see what kind of seats I could, might, maybe, possibly, get. After a few clicks and disinterested sighs later, I rubbed my eyes. I looked a little harder at the screen. Then I looked around to see if anyone was behind me, waiting to see my reaction then burst out laughing as if they had pulled the ultimate prank. No one was, and no one did.
I couldn't believe it! What had I just found?! I couldn't STILL hardly beleive it, and yet, there they were! Four tickets... Section 138... sixth row.
Armed with my tickets and my Florida Marlins shirt, myself, Bret, Dad, and Curtis set off to Denver. We arrived just in time to watch Florida's batting practice.
We strolled down to our section and down the rows. 10, 9, 8, getting closer and closer, 7... but we were far TOO close to be in the sixth row? Maybe they misnumbered the seats... or we were in the wrong section. But there it was... two rows up from the dugout... row number six. "Is this right?" came the question amid 'Holy Cow!'s and 'Wow!'s. No one ever told us that the dugout actually consists of rows 1-4.
"Do you want to move back?" asked the usher.
"Yeah, we're a little TOO close to enjoy anything," replied Dad.
So there we were. Row two... er, uh... six... right above the Marlins dugout. We took in batting practice and warmups. I got a thumbs up from Emilio Bonifacio, the third basemen, when I showed him my Marlins shirt. Cameron Maybin, the center fielder, came and signed autographs.
And I just took it all in.
It was almost game time and Hanley Ramirez and Jorge Cantu came out of the dugout right in front of us to get in a few final warm-up tosses.
Here's Hanley going up to bat in the 1st inning. Notice I'm wearing a white ball cap and blue jacket...
Then, all of a sudden, a loud SMACK...!
A thing of beauty!
Did you notice anything unusual? Watch it again.
What about right around the 25 or 26 second mark?
Did you notice the guy in the stands with the blue jacket and white hat? Here let me work some magic and get the guys in the booth to pause it for a second... and John Madden to draw some stuff on it... "Now here's a guy if he wasn't standing he'd be sitting."
Thats right folks. I was on TV. But you all already know that. The guys on Sportscenter can't stop talking about the 'only guy cheering for the Marlins', and after my brief appearances on Letterman and the O... who wouldn't know who I am?
The game was tied 3-3 after 3 innings... but then during the 5th inning the Marlins exploded for 5 runs. Here's Hanley with an RBI single.
Later in the game, Dan Uggla, the All-Star second baseman, was hanging around the top step of the dugout. Curtis yelled at him, "Hey, I want a ball!"
"I don't have any!" he yelled back.
"I want a ball!" said Curtis again.
"And I want to pitch," said Uggla with a grin.
"Yeah, I'd like to see that too!" I said, showing him my shirt. He gave me a thumbs up, and went back into the dugout.
The Fish won 8-3. Hanley was 4/5 with a HR and 2 RBI and a stolen base. Needless to say, I was one happy baseball fan.
Monday, May 4, 2009
It's that time of year again!
Don't be alarmed! It's only a temporary change. I know, you miss Steve already. Lets face it... him, Kobe, LeBron... they're in a different stratosphere. What's the first thing you think of when you think of MJ? Steve Nash. I know.
But I'd like to introduce you to my summer fling, my fiasco-de-Mask-o, my diamond in the rough. Hanley Ramirez. (Haha get it? Diamond in the rough? He's a baseball player... he plays baseball on a baseball diamond... ... what? not even a pity chuckle? OH... and I have no idea what the Mask thing is... so don't ask.) During the summer, some people like the blockbusters that hit the big screen, others like the new sitcoms that hit their plasma screen... but me? I like the free games that hit my computer screen. It's Americas Pastime streamed directly to my laptop. In low-quality, low definition.
Yes, it's baseball season. And it couldn't have come any sooner! As my Suns floundered around in 9th place in the West, not making the NBA Playoffs, I had no choice but to move to clearer waters in search of bigger fish. Marlins to be exact. I know what you're thinking... why Marlins? I could ask you almost the same thing but reversed: why not?
I've actually liked the Marlins since they came into the league in '93. I remember I bought the 'first season commemorative pack' that had all the players from that very first team. I also remember that I was in Dodger blue one Saturday and I struck out. The walk back to the dugout wasn't so bad because on the field next to us they were playing... and I couldn't take my eyes off those new, teal uni's.
I remember a few years later when they beat the Cleveland Indians in Game 7 of the '97 World Series. Nothing will ever compare to that first thrill of the unexpected, the miraculous. I still remember that Edgar Renteria hit the game winning RBI. This was my first taste of fandom victory. All of my bragging, taunting, and hoping had paid off. Because there is only one thing that matters at the end of the season: did you get the W? Did you win the last game of the season? If you did then there can be no disputing. There are no shoulda, woulda, couldas in victory. There's one winner, there's one trophy.
The Marlins have the lowest payroll in baseball. They find guys that want to play because they love the game, and they find ways to win. None of this Yankee brainwashing of paying outrageous amounts of money for less than stellar play. (I know Travis and Tricia are Yanks fans... and I love you guys... but seriously... the Yankees? I know they have a 'tradition' of winning... but when was their last WS title? 2001? They got close in 2003... but who'd they lose to? It's just not coming to mind... I think it starts with an 'M' and ends in 'arlins'... ?)
But this is 2009. And what a ride it's been so far. They started out the year 11-1... and are now back to a healthy 14-8. (Being too skinny is just as bad as being too fat.) But there is a lot of promise for this year. They've got power, speed, and some solid arms... watch out for these guys!
Got any fives? Uh, no. GO FISH!
But I'd like to introduce you to my summer fling, my fiasco-de-Mask-o, my diamond in the rough. Hanley Ramirez. (Haha get it? Diamond in the rough? He's a baseball player... he plays baseball on a baseball diamond... ... what? not even a pity chuckle? OH... and I have no idea what the Mask thing is... so don't ask.) During the summer, some people like the blockbusters that hit the big screen, others like the new sitcoms that hit their plasma screen... but me? I like the free games that hit my computer screen. It's Americas Pastime streamed directly to my laptop. In low-quality, low definition.
Yes, it's baseball season. And it couldn't have come any sooner! As my Suns floundered around in 9th place in the West, not making the NBA Playoffs, I had no choice but to move to clearer waters in search of bigger fish. Marlins to be exact. I know what you're thinking... why Marlins? I could ask you almost the same thing but reversed: why not?
I've actually liked the Marlins since they came into the league in '93. I remember I bought the 'first season commemorative pack' that had all the players from that very first team. I also remember that I was in Dodger blue one Saturday and I struck out. The walk back to the dugout wasn't so bad because on the field next to us they were playing... and I couldn't take my eyes off those new, teal uni's.
I remember a few years later when they beat the Cleveland Indians in Game 7 of the '97 World Series. Nothing will ever compare to that first thrill of the unexpected, the miraculous. I still remember that Edgar Renteria hit the game winning RBI. This was my first taste of fandom victory. All of my bragging, taunting, and hoping had paid off. Because there is only one thing that matters at the end of the season: did you get the W? Did you win the last game of the season? If you did then there can be no disputing. There are no shoulda, woulda, couldas in victory. There's one winner, there's one trophy.
The Marlins have the lowest payroll in baseball. They find guys that want to play because they love the game, and they find ways to win. None of this Yankee brainwashing of paying outrageous amounts of money for less than stellar play. (I know Travis and Tricia are Yanks fans... and I love you guys... but seriously... the Yankees? I know they have a 'tradition' of winning... but when was their last WS title? 2001? They got close in 2003... but who'd they lose to? It's just not coming to mind... I think it starts with an 'M' and ends in 'arlins'... ?)
But this is 2009. And what a ride it's been so far. They started out the year 11-1... and are now back to a healthy 14-8. (Being too skinny is just as bad as being too fat.) But there is a lot of promise for this year. They've got power, speed, and some solid arms... watch out for these guys!
Got any fives? Uh, no. GO FISH!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Bart and Dan- Episode 5
So... this is the last episode I'll be posting in written format... I really don't want to spoil the rest of the season in case we decide to actually film these. But here's a taste of Episode 5... enjoy!
Episode 5- Ping Pong
(Dan’s playing ping pong. Bart comes in)
B: It’s the Dan. …. Why do you play ping pong? You’re not China knees.
D: Uh, I think you mean Chinese.
B: That’s what I said… China knees.
D: No, I’m not CHInese. But you know ping pong is world renown sport, right? Not only do the Chinese play it. But also the Korean, German, Vietnamese, Japanese…
B: … the Italian knees, the Mexico knees, the America knees...
___________________________________________
B: So if you play ping pong so much… why aren’t you good at table tennis?
D: I AM good at table tennis. Table tennis and ping pong are the same thing.
B: If they were the same thing then wouldn’t they be called the same thing?
D: Not if their sameness is represented within the thing. Argh. Do I really have to dumb this down for you? They're the same.
B: Obviously they’re not the same. In ping pong you use ping bong balls. In table tennis you use table tennis balls.
D: Do you even know what a table tennis ball is?
B: It’s a tennis ball… but smaller.... with a table in it… under the net serve, out of bounds line judge.
________________________________________
Dan decides to teach Bart how to play.
(Bart doesn’t have a paddle)
B: Why don’t I have a paddle?
D: Who told you you have to have a paddle?
B: Well… I just thought…
D: Yeah well don’t. Did Mr. Miagi give Danielson a samurai sword? No. He gave him a bucket of soapy water. Did Trainer Mickey give Rocky Balboa boxing gloves? No. He put him in a meat locker. Did Darth Vader give Luke Skywalker a lightsaber? No. He cut off his hand.
(Bart gets pelted by ping pong balls)
____________________________________________
Episode 5- Ping Pong
(Dan’s playing ping pong. Bart comes in)
B: It’s the Dan. …. Why do you play ping pong? You’re not China knees.
D: Uh, I think you mean Chinese.
B: That’s what I said… China knees.
D: No, I’m not CHInese. But you know ping pong is world renown sport, right? Not only do the Chinese play it. But also the Korean, German, Vietnamese, Japanese…
B: … the Italian knees, the Mexico knees, the America knees...
___________________________________________
B: So if you play ping pong so much… why aren’t you good at table tennis?
D: I AM good at table tennis. Table tennis and ping pong are the same thing.
B: If they were the same thing then wouldn’t they be called the same thing?
D: Not if their sameness is represented within the thing. Argh. Do I really have to dumb this down for you? They're the same.
B: Obviously they’re not the same. In ping pong you use ping bong balls. In table tennis you use table tennis balls.
D: Do you even know what a table tennis ball is?
B: It’s a tennis ball… but smaller.... with a table in it… under the net serve, out of bounds line judge.
________________________________________
Dan decides to teach Bart how to play.
(Bart doesn’t have a paddle)
B: Why don’t I have a paddle?
D: Who told you you have to have a paddle?
B: Well… I just thought…
D: Yeah well don’t. Did Mr. Miagi give Danielson a samurai sword? No. He gave him a bucket of soapy water. Did Trainer Mickey give Rocky Balboa boxing gloves? No. He put him in a meat locker. Did Darth Vader give Luke Skywalker a lightsaber? No. He cut off his hand.
(Bart gets pelted by ping pong balls)
____________________________________________
Monday, April 20, 2009
Bart and Dan- Episode 2
**Since we've had a flood/tidal wave of comments from the Pilot episode (thanks mom), we've decided to share Episode 2 with you. We want you all to know that this is serious and we're serious. So, SO serious.
Episode 2- Bart Writes A Theme Song For The Band They’re Not In
Scene 1
Bart is sitting with large earmuff headphones mumbling to different songs: (Almost maybe similarly kinda like the Lebron James commercial)
I Don’t Wanna Wait- Paula Cole
Quit Playing Games- BSB
If We Were a Movie- Hannah Montana
Encarnacion- Nacho Libre
Big Girls Don’t Cry- Fergie
____________________________________
Scene 2
Montage of Bart playing different ‘instruments’: Guitar hero/ plastic recorder/ harmonica
B is playing the harmonica and slowly transitions to licking it.
D: Is that ketchup?
_____________________________________
Scene 3: Real guitar
B: See, guitar hero really does make you the guitar’s hero. I just saved this *brand name* six string acoustic from the burning, hot flames of a three-story house fire.
D: No you didn’t.
B: Well I rescued her from an evil tyrannical oppressor.
D: You took it from Cameron’s room.
(shot of Cameron with shirt off rubbing his belly and brushing his teeth)
B: *playing and singing* Let your hair down, Repunzel… and I’ll save you from the evil tyrant who’s badguy name is Cameron…
___________________________________
Closing Scene
Dan plays amazingly on the classical guitar.
Episode 2- Bart Writes A Theme Song For The Band They’re Not In
Scene 1
Bart is sitting with large earmuff headphones mumbling to different songs: (Almost maybe similarly kinda like the Lebron James commercial)
I Don’t Wanna Wait- Paula Cole
Quit Playing Games- BSB
If We Were a Movie- Hannah Montana
Encarnacion- Nacho Libre
Big Girls Don’t Cry- Fergie
____________________________________
Scene 2
Montage of Bart playing different ‘instruments’: Guitar hero/ plastic recorder/ harmonica
B is playing the harmonica and slowly transitions to licking it.
D: Is that ketchup?
_____________________________________
Scene 3: Real guitar
B: See, guitar hero really does make you the guitar’s hero. I just saved this *brand name* six string acoustic from the burning, hot flames of a three-story house fire.
D: No you didn’t.
B: Well I rescued her from an evil tyrannical oppressor.
D: You took it from Cameron’s room.
(shot of Cameron with shirt off rubbing his belly and brushing his teeth)
B: *playing and singing* Let your hair down, Repunzel… and I’ll save you from the evil tyrant who’s badguy name is Cameron…
___________________________________
Closing Scene
Dan plays amazingly on the classical guitar.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Bart and Dan- Pilot
*Many of you have been whining and complaining that I haven't posted in for-ev-ER. (Mainly Tia and Will-Boy.) But I want you all to know I've been writing... my own TV show! It's called 'Bart and Dan' and shows us being us. I was going to surprise you all and post the videos. But since Dan and I haven't had time to film I'll give you the Pilot episode. And lets be honest here. It's only a small nibble of what will soon rival Seinfeld for America's #1 Sit-com.
Extended Pilot's First Rough Draft Outline
Scene 1 (Bart and dan on couch)
B: We should start making videos
First thing we need- band name! (without hesitation) Flight of the Conchords.
D: First of all… the first thing we need is a camera and video editing software. Both of which I don’t have. Secondly… we’re not in a band. Even if there was a band to be in, WE wouldn't be in it because YOU suck at playing stuff… and you can’t use that name.
(bart starts dancing and flapping his arms) It’s like we’re flying… we’re happy, elated birds… look at us… bein’ birds…. wait, wha?
D: Someone already has that band name.
B: I don’t believe it.
D: That doesn't matter, it’s true.
B: (Runs off) Google it!
___________________________________________
Scene 2
(at computer)
D: See. These guys already use that name.
B: So. We can still use it.
D; No we can’t. It’s called copyright infringement.
B: : (mumbling to himself) I'll show you lopynight debingement... huh wha?
Look. Just because someone uses a name doesn’t mean we can’t use it too. Look at Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan. Jennifer Garner and Jennifer ‘I love you’ Hewitt. Paris Hilton and… Paris… France.
D: That's not the same.
B: Why? It should be.
D: Naming a person is different than naming a band.
B: Is it though? Is it? (sarcastic at first… then sincerely interested) No but really… is it?
D: Touche. . .Look you just can't use that name. People will get confused and think that we are the Flight of the Chonchords from New Zealand, which might increase our viewership initially, but more than likely people would just feel ripped off since we are not the Original Flight of the Chonchords.
B: But what if we were the Flight of . . .
D:Just think of a different name. (walks off)
_____________________________________________
Scene 3
(dan walks in- bart is lying on the floor surrounded by crumpled up pieces of paper)
(whiteboard covered with alterations of ‘Flight of the Conchords’
Might of the A-chord, D-chord etc. And one really long name with all sorts of music terms that don’t make any sense)
B: (clearly dying from dehydration) Need… water…
D: What the Bart?!…Dude, you look horrible. How long have you been here?
B: Four days. I just want to be a bird.
____________________________________________
Closing scene
(Bart makes dan put out his arms then connects his stetched out arms to dans)
B: (whispers to dan) Okay, now flap!
D: You know it’s a condor, right?
B: (smiling) Look, we’re a two headed concord. Kaka!
Extended Pilot's First Rough Draft Outline
Scene 1 (Bart and dan on couch)
B: We should start making videos
First thing we need- band name! (without hesitation) Flight of the Conchords.
D: First of all… the first thing we need is a camera and video editing software. Both of which I don’t have. Secondly… we’re not in a band. Even if there was a band to be in, WE wouldn't be in it because YOU suck at playing stuff… and you can’t use that name.
(bart starts dancing and flapping his arms) It’s like we’re flying… we’re happy, elated birds… look at us… bein’ birds…. wait, wha?
D: Someone already has that band name.
B: I don’t believe it.
D: That doesn't matter, it’s true.
B: (Runs off) Google it!
___________________________________________
Scene 2
(at computer)
D: See. These guys already use that name.
B: So. We can still use it.
D; No we can’t. It’s called copyright infringement.
B: : (mumbling to himself) I'll show you lopynight debingement... huh wha?
Look. Just because someone uses a name doesn’t mean we can’t use it too. Look at Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan. Jennifer Garner and Jennifer ‘I love you’ Hewitt. Paris Hilton and… Paris… France.
D: That's not the same.
B: Why? It should be.
D: Naming a person is different than naming a band.
B: Is it though? Is it? (sarcastic at first… then sincerely interested) No but really… is it?
D: Touche. . .Look you just can't use that name. People will get confused and think that we are the Flight of the Chonchords from New Zealand, which might increase our viewership initially, but more than likely people would just feel ripped off since we are not the Original Flight of the Chonchords.
B: But what if we were the Flight of . . .
D:Just think of a different name. (walks off)
_____________________________________________
Scene 3
(dan walks in- bart is lying on the floor surrounded by crumpled up pieces of paper)
(whiteboard covered with alterations of ‘Flight of the Conchords’
Might of the A-chord, D-chord etc. And one really long name with all sorts of music terms that don’t make any sense)
B: (clearly dying from dehydration) Need… water…
D: What the Bart?!…Dude, you look horrible. How long have you been here?
B: Four days. I just want to be a bird.
____________________________________________
Closing scene
(Bart makes dan put out his arms then connects his stetched out arms to dans)
B: (whispers to dan) Okay, now flap!
D: You know it’s a condor, right?
B: (smiling) Look, we’re a two headed concord. Kaka!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I'm just like you... but ten times better.
I found these Vitamin Water commercials the other day... Enjoy!
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