I Hate Halloween

Now why in the world would I do something like that? For a whole evening I get to be whatever I want to be. A pirate. A ninja. Pee Wee Herman's bike. (Really. I would be the coolest kid on the street if I had his bike... but to actually be his bike... that would be beyond any kids wildest dreams. I would be able to fly. And I'd have streamers.)

Then I get to walk around outside... past my bed time... to houses that have their porch lights on. I knock on the door and say 'Trick or Treat?'. And then people give me candy.

When I was a kid, candy was used as a reward for having the 'cleanest room of the week' (pick any full-size candy bar). Sweets were used as a prize for completing my chore chart (Little Debbie, anyone?). And snacks were used as incentives for spending a day in the public education system and surviving an hour and a half bus ride home (graham crackers and frosting!).

And now that I think about it, even our public schools bribed kids with food. Our school district used a free Personalized Pan Pizza from Pizza Hut to get kids to read books. If you read the most pages in your class during the month, you win. I won... a lot.

Junk food was so valuable that I had a personal stash of candy bars that I kept in a plastic, green pencil box. I hid my green box of loot in the box spring of my bed.

I kept this box full. Twix, Snickers, Reese's. It was neatly organized with several layers of chocolatey goodness. Sometimes, part of my $20/month allowance was spent replenishing its contents. (Mostly it was spent on baseball cards. Occasionally, on G.I. Joes.) I'd buy two bars. One for the ride home, and one for my box.

This was, of course, after making sure I had enough for a pack of smok-- ing hot, brand new cards. Packs costed anywhere between $1.50 - $3.00, depending on the quality and number of cards. Some packs had 6 cards. Some packs had a Sam's Club inside. aka enough cards to be considered 'buying in bulk'. I usually saved up to buy the 50-100 card Jumbo multi-packs. My thinking: Why settle for a one in six chance of getting a silver-plated, holographic, Fleer Ultra Upper Deck Nolan Ryan, when you can get six identical, brown, paper-back, Donruss Tony Penas? The more cards you have, the cooler you are. Quantity versus quality isn't taught until 11th grade. I'm ten.

So when I go out candy hunting this year, and fill my pillow case with 12 cavities, I'm going to try and avoid all the girls who use this holiday as an excuse to be a skank. You, girls, are my enemies in war. I will plunder. I will pillage. And your booty will be my spoils. (Still talkin' candy here.)