The W from Down Under - 49ers Win!

 Overall good game by Brock Purdy. Can't throw that ball into the Zone like that... It will get picked every time. Saw the same thing happen to the "MVP" Stafford during the next series.

Kyle Shanahan- terrible clock management at the end of the first half. Yes, we have the lead, but can we please play with some urgency once in a while? Use your timeouts and move the ball!

Brocks gotta practice throwing that fade to Mike Evans. Lucky it didn't get picked for how low it was. No touch and height on that ball. Mike is 6'5"... throw it up!

Kelon Black looked really good. Strong runner, hit holes hard. Good burst. Please, for the love of everything holy, stay healthy.

Mitch Wishnowski is kicking himself that he wasnt good enough to punt for us.... Missed his opportunity to take the trip to his home country. Can you even call him a Patriot?

Also, our new punter is black. 💪🏾

Defense looks TOUGH. Welcome back Dre Greenlaw! We did get gashed a few times up the middle, but we stopped them when it counted. Goaline stand on 4th down in 3rd quarter was BIG.

I did not see Daejon Love with the team today ... 👀

I'd like to see the 49ers go hurry up offense every once in a while. I know Kyle likes to play the clock to try to hold the ball at the end, but we gotta get the D on their heels and GO! 

Deebo as a kick returner! 🪽

All Pro Fred! Punching out a fumble! But Kyle needs to take a shot right there. Play aggressively, I know you're in FG territory, but this is where Kyle gets conservative and it costs him. Where's your killer instinct?

Brocks legs look Purdy good! I know Kyle wants him throwing from the pocket. But he's really good when he gets in space, it adds so much pressure on the D. Then he can extend plays and drives by running for 1st downs. 

Late game management. Need to have the ability to get 1st downs to ice the clock. 

Really solid game from the Gang. Australia is RED. ♥️

 

Draft recap of Any1seenMyDime? Fantasy basketball league 2015-2016

This is the 7^th year of our fantasy basketball league and I try to do a draft recap as before the season starts. It lets me put my full bias into my thoughts without any regular season stats tallied yet.  You’ll see the usual for each round: what I like, what I don’t like, and what I was thinking.  You can follow along with the draft order here: http://games.espn.go.com/fba/tools/draftrecap?leagueId=33535

Round 1: Can you go wrong with any of these guys?

What I liked: Obviously the Brow and Steph going 1 and 2. I like seeing LeBrick out of the conversation for #1 and seeing him fall to 6 is pretty good. I probably would even take the likes of Damian Lillard above LeBron in most fantasy formats. (Lillard could be MVP this year.)

What I didn’t like: Nothing. Statistically speaking, all 10 of these guys should stuff the stat sheet this year.

What I was thinking: Rodriguez had the first pick… but was also on his Honeymoon. Obviously, he had his priorities straight. Or did he? I had a hard time with the 2^nd pick. I wanted Steph. I wanted KD. And to be honest, I almost pulled the trigger on Lillard. He’s probably the only one who will play all 82 games this year, and with Aldridge in San Antonio and the ball in his hands, he’s going to have HUGE games this year. I ultimately chose Steph because of his defensive abilities. And I love him, and his game.

Round 2: Possible 1^st rounders

What I liked: You could make the case that some of these guys drafted in Round 2 could be drafted in Round 1. LaMarcus Aldridge, Paul George, and Melo are your typical borderline 1^st rounders. Klay Thompson is only getting better, and Jimmy Butler was awesome last year.

What I didn’t like: Two words. Rudy. Gobert. Really, Willie? I know you love the Jazz. But round 2 is not a round for risk. Gobert has upside… but not #11 upside. Also, Luther passing on Paul George. Unexplainable for a guy who swears by his Indiana teams.

What I was thinking: I wanted either Melo or LA. Carmelo should lead the league in scoring (or close to it.) And he does enough in the other categories that I was happy with him at 19. Plus he’s a SF/PF combo.

Round 3: Where the draft is won.

What I liked: A lot of big guys flying off the board.

What I didn’t like: Draymond Green was my waiver wire pick-up last year. He was great. But without improving his 3PM, I don’t see him as a 3^rd round pick. DeAndre Jordan. Gross. In a league that counts FT% and FT missed, Jordan is a plague.

What I was thinking: I wanted Vucevic all of last year. He is skilled offensively for a center, has great range and touch, and the Magic will run their offense through him. Marc Gasol probably has better defensive stats. But Vucevic will be an All-Star.

Round 4: Also where the draft is won

What I liked: A lot of great talent still available in this round. Rudy Gay has always been a favorite of mine, as he does a little bit of everything. Al Horford is apparently shooting 3’s this year.

What I didn’t like: This is OBVIOUS. I had my fingers crossed that KLove would drop to 39. I knew the chances were slim with Jared in front of me. But Mikey had no business grabbing Love. Completely uncalled for. I still don’t see KLove as a legit superstar, like he was in the past. But I still KLove him. (See what I did there?)

What I was thinking: I would have been ecstatic to get Love at 39. But I already knew chances were slim. I was happy with Lowry in round 4. I feel he’s extremely undervalued and is easily a 2^nd round pick. He was my targeted PG in this years draft.

Round 5: Last chance to win your draft

What I liked: This is the round where we see the last of the really great fantasy players go off the board. Batum should be beastly in Charlotte this year. The Greek Freak is just fun to own.

What I didn’t like: Kyrie is coming off a major injury and probably won’t be the player he’s been in the past. Isaiah Thomas is coming off the bench in Boston.

What I was thinking: I love PGs. I already drafted Steph and Lowry. I felt Ty Lawson is going to have a huge year in Houston along side the Beard. Ty and James Harden have a similar style of play: fast. They both penetrate, attack the basket, and drive and dish. There’s plenty of that to go back-and-forth so I expect Ty’s assists and 3s to be high this year.

Round 6: A few question marks

What I liked: Karl-Anthony Towns could be the rookie of the year. Mike Conley is a great pickup at this point in the draft (there’s that PG love again).

What I didn’t like: A lot of question marks. Can Wiggins repeat on last years performance? Will Monta Ellis and PG13 coexist in Indiana? Is Reggie Jackson a legit starting PG? Does Dirk have anything left? Is Danny Green effected  by Pops regimented playing time?

What I was thinking: The only sure-fire picks in this round were Mike Conley and Tobias Harris. I already picked point guards and I needed a PF. I had Tobias Harris on my team last year and he can do everything. He’s going to play a ton of minutes for Orlando and pairing him with Vucevic made sense. Plus he has SF eligibility.

Round 7: Former 1^st rounders

What I liked: There were several former 1^st round picks in this round. Tyreke Evans, DRose, Dwight Howard, Tim Duncan, Dwyane Wade. That made for some interesting justifications. When seeing these names, you can’t help but be tempted to pick them as you consider their past fantasy season greatness.  C.J. McCollum. He could be in for a huge year starting along side Damian Lillard.

What I didn’t like: Tim Duncan. He’s old and slow and in Pops system. He’s not going to play every night.

What I was thinking: I was looking hard at Greg Monroe. He’s always been a solid fantasy player, capable of a double double every night. I saw DRose. (Curse my love for PGs!) It took me down to the last second to pick Derrick Rose. I know he hasn’t been healthy, and he got hurt in practice already. But it looks like he’s going to start the season opener. And sometimes you gotta take risks… on guys like Derrick Rose… for the 3^rd season in a row…

Rounds 8-9: Potential Rock Stars

What I liked: Brandon taking ZBo again. DeMar DeRozan is probably the best SG value out of this group. Ryan Anderson is STILL the darling of our league. Thaddeus Young is a great pick here.

What I didn’t like: All the SGs. Probably the least valuable position in fantasy basketball, as players in other positions are starting to shoot further away from the hoop. I’m just not a fan of SGs in fantasy, especially when I can get a PG that qualifies as SG as well. (I still get 3s from PGs plus better assists and and defensive stats.) I still hate Kobe.  And seeing Rajon Rondo anywhere near a basketball team is ridiculous. He’s going to destroy the Kings organization from the inside out.

What I was thinking: PGs. Like I said. I can get a lot of value from a PG. Especially someone like Michael Carter-Williams who is a triple-double threat. I think Emmanuel Mudiay could contend for Rookie of the Year honors as the starting PG for the Denver Nuggets.

Round 10-11: Draft strategy goes out the window

What I liked: It’s generally at this point I draft ‘flyers’. Guys I think should be really good, even though they might not. Trevor Ariza should be good again this year. Gortat is better than people think. Marcus Smart is starting for Boston.

What I didn’t like: Everything about round 10 (except for Ilyasova). JR Smith is terrible. Joakim Noah probably wont start this year. Terrance Jones, Robin Lopez, and Enes Kanter are all question marks.

What I was thinking: I panicked. I had one sleeper pick this year. Meyers Leanard. I could have drafted Gortat. But no… I freaked out and picked Leonard fearing someone else might snag him. (A young freak athlete that is a starting big man filling the hole left by LA and can shoot 3s.) We’ll see how long he stays on my roster.  Jrue Holiday is supposed to be on a minutes restriction with his stress-fractured broken leg. But with Tyreke Evans out, I don’t see how the Pelicans can be competitive without Holiday. They need him to get back to the playoffs. He may get a full compliment of minutes sooner than January.

Round 12-13: The end of it all

What I liked: A lot of old, interesting players. Kevin Martin, Tony Parker, Joe Johnson, Deron Williams, Jeff Green, Luol Deng, Josh Smith. These guys used to be fantasy gold. Now? Who knows?

What I didn’t like: Patrick Beverly. Yuck. Josh Smith. Yuck.

What I was thinking: Once again. I freaked out. I was looking for Marcus Smart. I didn’t realize he’d been taken so I half-hazzardly grabbed Julius Randle and Alec Burks. Randle has a lot of upside as the starting PF for the Lakers. And Burks was the surprise of fantasy last year until he was injured, he’s just not a good 3pt shooter for a SG (which drives me crazy).

All in all, I hope everyone had fun. Should be a great year for basketball. I’ll see ya’ll in the playoffs. (Except for 2 of you).   Overall I think I fared okay in my draft. 7 PGs is a bit much… but then again… maybe not. You never know.

We need addresses!

The Adventures of Bart and Dan: Episode 17

17- Dan and Thalia get Engaged

(The setting: the old house on 1st East)

Dan and Thalia enter the doorway, Dan holding her hand up to show everyone the rock.

Together: “We’re engaged!”

Bart: Oh really? Engaged in what? Arm wrestling? A tussle? A deep and articulate conversation?

D & T just look at Bart. Bart just looks back, still earnestly seeking an answer.

D: To be married…

B: Well, duh! Everyone knows that! The producer of the show put the title of the show up before you guys even got here… even our TV viewers watching from home already knew you two were getting married. See… it’s still there. (Pointing down so if you're watching TV it looks like he's pointing at the bottom of the screen… Title changes from ‘Dan and Thalia get engaged’ to Dan and thalia ARE engaged’)

D: So you’re saying you already knew?

B: Yeah, why else would I suggest you were arm wrestling? I thought you were going to tell us that you were engaged in something we didn’t already know about. I mean, who goes around telling people all the things they already know. “Hello, fireman. You fight fires.” “Hello, Oprah. You’re a rich black woman.” “Oh hello man with a monkey on your face. You have a monkey on your face.”

Andre is sitting on the couch filing his nails: This is all just...well, you know...engaging…

B: Wait a sec... Dan you're getting married? I didn't even know you had a GF.

Dan steps slightly to the side of Thalia and shows her like Vannah White.

Bart just stares, Dan reemphasizes with a head nod…. Bart leaves

Girl1: Congrats! But you can’t add more little Criddles to the world!?

Andre still filing: With a last name like 'Criddle' he sure can!

Thalia:  More Criddles!? Who said anything about more Criddles?

Dan: bwaahahaha, my evil plan to save the world. Just you wait till it's unfurled.

Andre still hasn’t moved:   It’ll go down in history.

Bart runs back into the room and hugs Dan around the stomach, because that's normal: FIVE IRON FRENZY????!!!!!! DAN I LOVE YOU! Have MY babies???!!!

Dan:  Um, you'll have to ask Thal about that one. I'm thinking she wouldn't be such a big fan.

B: Hey Thalia… would you be a big fan if Dan had my babies?

She stares with one eyebrow up.

B: Hmmm… how about just a fan… a regular old normal fan?

She walks off.

Bart to Dan:  That just made my day... even though she semi-rejected the notion of you having my babies, you just gave a shout out to FIF! I'll take a Five Iron shout out over her acceptance anyday... over breathing even.

D: Well good thing you can have both.

B:   So... you're saying you'll have my babies? ...

D: What??  No, that would be three things; (Steps up to the whiteboard with a ruler)  Five iron shout out + Breathing + Having babies = 1 too many things.

B:  So... you're saying I can choose 3 things minus 1 too many things?... ?

Dan:   No, you have to set one side equal to zero. Subtract one too many things and you are left with the two things that are not too much.

B: Oh, ok. Why didn’t you just say that? Well obviously I choose Five Iron... thats a no brainer... and I also choose.... hmmm...  jalapeno custard?

Dan: Sure, but I'll probably have to get that from Japan, which really counts as two things, so I'll have to take back the Five Iron Frenzy shout-out when I hand you the custard, or you could keep the shout-out and just watch the jalapeno custard dissimilate in my hands; which is kind of like eating it with your eyes....

B: (in a daze) mmm... I like eye eating

D:  ... as opposed to eating eyes which is just reprehensible.

B:  Oh gross! Who would do such a thing, besides Vietnamese and Arctic Nomads?

D:  Irish.

B:  Yeah, I have a problem with my Irish too. Do you think i should go to the optometrist?

D: fish-eesh-ish.

B: Yeah, you're right. The pediatric surgeon would be a much better choice.

_____________________________

Everyone’s sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn… Bart leans over to Thalia…

Bart to Thalia: How about a fair weather fan? You can be a fan on nice spring, summer, or fall days… and maybe even a few days in winter… just not during a blizzard or on days I go to the dentist….  ?

Thal doesn't flinch.

B to T: How about just a casual observer type of fan? One who doesn’t really care but checks the scores in the Daily Herald every now and again just to be up with the times?

Thalia just eats her popcorn.

Any1SeenMyDime? The 4th Quarter: Fantasy draft

The start of the NBA season brings new beginnings for NBA Fantasy managers all over the world. For those of us in the Any1SeenMyDime? fantasy basketball league hosted by ESPN, we couldn't be more excited. 

So to celebrate the start of the season, I've decided to do what they've done on ESPN: analyze my picks and my opponents' picks, and give insights to how the draft shook-out. In other words, I'm going to give you expert analysis by a non-expert: me. 

To my opponents, I say: You may or may not agree with how I analyze you...I really don't care. Just know that you are going to lose, and at the end of this season, you will be a part of the mediocre rubble on which I stand.

I was the first one in the draft room this year. I was certain I was due for an improvement when it came to the randomized draft order… but sometimes certainty can fail a guy. I was 5^th… again. Now, while I was slightly upset that I wasn’t one of the top two (I think we can all agree that there is a HUGE drop-off in Fantasy brilliance after KD and LeBron), I realized it could have been worse. I could have been 10^th. (Yes, that’s a dig at Rodriguez. Ha).

Here's the link to our Draft Recap, you can follow along, if you'd like. http://games.espn.go.com/fba/tools/draftrecap?leagueId=33535

Round 1: Who do you like?

What I liked: Every team actually picked players I would consider top 12 fantasy players. Seriously. It was good to finally see Josh Smith get the attention he deserved in the first round after being relegated to the sloppy-second rounds for years.

What I didn’t like: Didn’t Mike Holmes and Will Harnish have the 1^st and 2^nd picks last year? Super lame-gay. (And yes, I AM using gay to mean stupid, because that’s what my generation does and it’s OK.) I was surprised that Rodriguez took Kobe. A die-hard Spurs fan picks Kobe Bryant? My fingers feel dirty just from typing that sentence.

What I was thinking: I was actually right where I wanted to be IF I wasn’t going to be 1^st or 2^nd. I was going to be perfectly content with whoever fell to me at 5. (That’s a lie.) In reality, I wanted Kevin Love. He was projected 3^rd pick overall BEFORE his injury, and the guy stuffs the stat sheet with excellent percentages. Willie made a comment that Curtis would take Love while on auto draft, and I freaked out a little bit. I was MORE than relieved to see Love wasn’t taken before I had the chance. Although I did hesitate and consider taking DWill. Even if it was only for a second. But I knew I wanted Kevin Love, and if I waited until the 2^nd round there’s NO WAY I’d get him. You’ll be seeing and hearing a lot more about KLove as the season progresses.

Round two is interesting because it gives some managers the chance to get players that could easily be first rounders.  Normally, Al Jefferson, Dirk Nowitzki, and Pau Gasol could easily be included in this category. But there were a LOT of new faces in round 2, and I didn’t like it one bit!

What I liked: Team Little pairing Melo with Rondo. I really don’t like Rondo, but I can’t deny the production. The only other think I liked: Al Jefferson and Pau Gasol. These two guys are always borderline 1^st rounders, always consistent and predictable. That’s what Fantasy is all about.

What I didn’t like: All the new faces in round 2. Maybe I’m just getting old, but this seems crazy that almost all of these guys were late rounders last year and are 2^nd rounders this year: Ty Lawson, Kyrie Irving, Serge Ibaka (really, Mike?), James Harden (obviously theres upside with Harden now that he’s a Rocket, but that’s still a giant mystery… he’s a bench player. Doesn’t any of this remind you of 2009, when Houston took Trevor Ariza from the Lakers? Yeah, that didn’t turn out well.) I also hate the fact that Willie drafted Goran Dragic BEFORE Steve Nash. Are you kidding me? You have some serious explaining to do, because that’s ridiculous. A lot of unproven players were drafted this round. It will be interesting to see who pans out. And of course, Mike Holmes drafting Steve Nash. I don’t get what it is that people don’t understand when I say “If you draft Steve Nash, you will get punched in the balls.” Mike, I was nice to you by letting your brother join this year. I thought we were on good terms. Apparently not.

What I was thinking: Nash was ranked in the 30’s and I had the 29^th pick in the 3^rd round. That’s when I would take him. So I had to settle on a big man. Al Jeff and Pau were sitting right there… but I’ve never really like Big Al… and I was sick of having Pau on my team (two years in a row). I needed something different. DeMarcus Cousins? Really? Ugh… I guess.

The third round is still a great time to get great players. David Lee and Dirk Nowitzki were once first-round picks. If you can grab one of them here, you'll do well for yourself. 

What I liked: Honestly, I think a lot of these guys will end up being 2^nd rounders. N’Dongers paired the Gasol brothers together via autopick, and Brandon picked up Al Horford (who I covet). The fact that Mike Conley and Monta Ellis are grabbed this round is tasty.

What I didn’t like:  That Kobe didn’t drop to the 3^rd round like last year. I like what Mike Harnish said in the draft room: “I blame Steve Nash.” Another thing I didn’t like: Anthony Davis. Really Willie? You’re killing me. I honestly don’t see what the hype is about. Yay, he has a unibrow… big deal.

What I was thinking: I was still a little flustered that Nash was gone. I was fully expecting to get him in the 3^rd round, where he belongs. Now I had to adjust, and rethink my entire draft strategy. It really came down to Rudy Gay or Al Horford. With OJ Mayo completely out of the picture in Memphis, Rudy will be back to his dominating ways. Plus, I like a SF that can rebound, defend, and shoot threes.

Round 4: Effeciency

What I liked: There were a lot of players picked this round that used to be borderline 1^st rounders: Steph Curry, Chris Bosh, Joe Johnson, Brook Lopez, Danny Granger. If you were able to snag any of these guys, I salute you. I love that Gortat is up here.

What I didn’t like: Ryan Anderson. Not that he doesn’t belong, just that he can’t be my LAST pick of the draft like he was last year.  Nice grab, Josh. I feel like Willie really stretched to grab Kenneth Faried (he claims it is of necessity because of his draft position, I’m just not sure he’s worth it)

What I was thinking: What can I do to piss off Mike Holmes? Haha Just kidding. I knew I wanted another big, and Brook Lopez seemed like my best bet. I have made this same bet several times before and lost. Why is he such a terrible rebounder??

Round 5: Fantasy Gold

What I liked:  This is the round that really resonated with me. A lot of really solid fantasy players were drafted, guys with high upside and loads of talent. Batum, Tyreke, Holiday, Gallinari, Afflalo, Bargnani. These are names I like!

What I didn’t like: STAT. It’s just sad. The guys got $60 million for the next 3 years and yet he doesn’t seem worth it. Guys get paid and then lay eggs. It’s the sad truth.

What I was thinking: Luol Deng has to be one of the most underrated players in fantasy basketball. He can do everything on the court and with Derrick Rose possibly out for the season, he’ll be the man in Chicago. I expect a career year, Deng it!

Round 6: ? marks

What I liked: Kyle Lowry is in Canada, even though Jose Calderon is still in town. ZBo to team Little, who at this point is having a quietly stellar draft. Gerald Wallace feels like a steal here.

What I didn’t like: Curtis drafting Ginobli. With the new anti flopping rules, Manu is going to run out of money. Mike Harnish being “a sucker for Boozer,” as his brother Willie put it. And Tyson Chandler picked by newcomer Daniel Holmes. Chandler is soooo 2011.

What I was thinking: It was the 6^th round, and I still hadn’t drafted a PG. Unheard of. So then I looked at the list… and John Wall was just sitting there. He should be back by Thanksgiving, and he’s better than Goran Dragic. (Oh… burn, Willie.) I would know, I WAS a Suns fan.

Rounds 7-8: Shooting Guards Galore

What I liked: Team Little grabbing Scola and Mayo (so predictable!), while Shai pairs Jason Terry and Chauncey. Willie finally made two picks that make sense: Glen Davis and Nikola Pekovic. And Josh grabs MKG. Deliciousness!

What I didn’t like: Michael Beasley in round 8. Mike Holmes dropped way down to grab one of the most overrated, inconsistent, and underachieving fantasy players ever. (Mostly, I was looking at grabbing him in round 9.)

What I was thinking: I was looking for a shooting guard… but didn’t see any that I liked. Then emerged Lou Williams. A PG/SG combo guard that can score in bunches and might actually get to start this year. He’s another guy I expect huge things from. I still needed another PG and there really was only one other on my list: Ricky Rubio. He’s hurt but will be back at some point this season. Hopefully its sooner rather than later. In hind sight, I should have drafted Beasley and then grabbed Rubio in the 9^th. But whatever.

Rounds 9-13 Garbage Time

I picked Jonas Valanciunas (coolest name of the draft), DJ Augustin, Jeff Green, Brandon Roy, and Kirk Hinrich, respectively. I was happy to grab BRoy, a former borderline 1^st rounder in round 12. Definitely a high-risk, high-reward move. And Hinrich should be in for a solid year since Derrick Rose may not even play this year.

The best pick of the draft was the last one, when Team Little won the Kwame Brown Lottery and was burdened with human garbage/ an idiot face. A tip of the hat to Team Little, for making our draft complete.

As to analyzing who had the best draft… this is a little tough. I don’t think Mike Harnish helped his chances of making his team name a reality. And I’m still baffled by Willie’s early round choices (although it doesn’t really matter because he has KD, and the Durantula will make him relevant by himself). Sean and Curtis were waylaid by the auto draft, and while the Holmes brothers started out strong, they seemed to fade in the late rounds. Josh took a lot of chances by drafting 3 rookies. Ryan, Shai, and Brandon’s teams all look solid… and my team won’t be competitive until Kevin Love gets back from injury. That leaves Team Little as my pick as having the best draft this year, with the 12^th pick in the draft! Every person on his team will start and log big minutes. Proof that you don’t have to be one of the top two to assemble a quality team through the draft. 

La cueva del dragón

Saqué la vieja espada

que colgaba en mi cinturón

y al pasar por la entrada

de la cueva del dragón

sentí algo en el pecho

que me paró el corazón.

Sentimiento de la muerte

muchas veces me venía,

pero nunca era tan fuerte

como el momento en que sabía

que apenas de mis esfuerzos

para salvar el amor mío

cambiar el hecho no podría

de que ella moriría.

De rodillas me quedaba

-¡Señor! ¡Soy yo! Y te ruego

que me ayudes en la lucha

contra este monstruo del fuego.

Quiero cumplir tu voluntad

y te alabaré luego.

Me puse de pie y al

sentir los escalofríos,

a las sombras fui corriendo

con la fuerza de Dios.

Gritos. Sangre. Muerte. Eran

compañeros de la oscuridad.

Y del silencio que siguió,

salió la voz de gravedad.

-¿Por qué luchas conmigo?

A ti no te he hecho nada.

No soy yo el ladrón de

tu corazón quebrantada.

-Estoy buscando a mi mujer,

preciosa como un hada.

Ella es más hermosa

que cualquier cosa creada.

El dragón me habló de nuevo,

-Fíjate en tu espada,

verás que no es mi sangre

por la cual está empapada.

Jamás podré olvidar

como la sangre brillaba

por el sol al salir

corriendo de su espalda.

Pero, lo peor siempre será

lo glacial de su mirada

y el susurro del dragón

en una voz muy bajada:

-La has matado a ella,

tu mujer embarazada. 

I hate...

... when girls call me 'bud'.

Souper Guy and Kami: Part 3

                  One morning as I was about to leave for work, there was a knock on my door. I opened it and found an unmarked package. I didn’t see anyone in the hallway or down the stairs, and when I looked out my apartment window, there wasn’t anyone leaving the building. I opened it and found a shiny, green material with gold trim. I unfolded it and found a full suit of shiny green and gold. In the center of the chest was a brilliantly crafted emblem of a spoon and a bowl of soup. My mind raced back to five years before as my body raced through my closet, rummaging through old boxes of papers and receipts. Then I found the card:

‘quick’ = super speed   

cheese = super sense of humor

broccoli = green and gold

                  I really had no answers other than the fact that there had to be some sort of connection between that fake soup kitchen and everything that was happening to me now. But, in disbelief, one thought kept cycling through my mind, “Spandex. …. Really?“

 I returned my attention to the package. There had to be some sort of clue. In the box was a tiny envelope, and in that tiny envelope was a small slip of paper: ‘Every super hero needs a sidekick.’

My best friend growing up was a kamikaze bicyclist. I use the word ‘was’ because he wasn’t around for very long. He died, I mean moved. Ben was a short and stout guy with black hair that he kept buzzed. Normally he wasn’t one to commit and could be labeled as your typical fence-sitter. But you put the guy on a bicycle and he morphed into this fearless force of indestructible nature. He said it made him feel alive, I said it made him look like Geronimo. He said it was a leap of faith, I said it was a kamikaze. So, I actually started calling him Kami. (That didn’t go over very well in school since our principal, ‘Old Man’ Mirich, was still living in the 1920’s. It also didn’t help that Kami’s favorite color was red.) And then I literally called him… on the phone.

                 

Hey, Kami. So… I guess I’m a super hero now. Do you want to be my wingman?

Maybe. Do I get any super powers?

Like what?

I dunno. Super strength? Or the ability to hear things from miles away? Or eagle powers… that I can summon in time of need.

No. You don’t. You just get to be you.

Hmmm. I like me… …. So… what do I do?

Nothing really. You’re kinda like Robin. You’re basically useless but you give me someone to talk to. And… you get to hang out with a super hero... and wear spandex.

Can I wear shorts instead?

Spandex shorts, yes.

I hung up the phone and stared out the window for a minute. There were so many things I wanted to know. So many questions remained unanswered. So I decided I would not rest until I had gotten the answers… right after my power nap and quick bowl of soup.

And thus begins the adventures of Souper Guy and Kami. 

Souper Guy and Kami: Part Two

Five years is a long time. I wasn’t homeless anymore, so that’s good. In fact, I was doing pretty well. I had finally graduated from college and had a great job in a great city. My apartment was clean and in a great neighborhood. Everything was going great. Almost too great. At work I was known as the witty guy. I had won several ‘Funniest guy in the Office’ awards in a row (okay, all of them) because I really did have a great sense of humor, and I liked making people smile. But now it was getting weird. Not only were my jokes funny, they were slaying people. My co-workers would laugh and laugh, harder and harder, longer and longer. Seriously… people were being hospitalized left and right. It was kinda scary. But that’s not the only thing that was scary. I’ve always been fairly athletic, even though I never worked out when I was younger. I was naturally talented in sports and could always run pretty fast. But I was always a skinny guy. So in college I started to work out. Something happened. I started to be able to run really fast. I mean REALLY fast. It was kind of a gradual thing, but I ended up quitting the track team because it wasn’t fair. After college, it continued to progress to where I could out run cars. Then, it got to the point to where instead of sitting in traffic during a 45 minute commute, I could run to work in 4.5 seconds. What was happening to me?

                  I decided to go to my doctor to see if he could explain everything or anything. All of the test results came back normal… except for one. The doctor asked me if I had difficulty breathing, chest pains and/or a large amount of energy. I told him no. I explained that I had heart surgery as an infant because I was born prematurely. I also told him that the operation was a normal, routine process, that it was a success and that I hadn’t had any difficulties as a result. He looked at me for a moment and then said, “No, you’re wrong. It wasn’t a normal operation. They didn’t do to you what they told you they did to you.” He paused just long enough to see the expression on my face change, then he continued. "Your heart is golden."  I breathed a sigh of relief and chuckled. The doctor saw I wasn't taking him seriously and revamped his effort to make sure I understood that he was being serious. "You don't understand. I'm gravely serious. This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in all my years of practicing medicine. Your heart is literally made of gold.”

Souper Guy and Kami: Part One

Some people say the story of one’s birth predetermines the story of one’s life. In my case, I would say that’s accurate… more or less. I was born three months premature. The doctor that helped my mother during her pregnancy explained that I came early simply because I didn’t want to wait anymore. So I paid a few debts, called in a few favors and made things happen. Not only is the survival rate for premature babies extremely low, it is extremely disheartening. Not only does it tug at your heart strings because its sad, it also damages your heart because its not developed enough. I had surgery on my heart as an infant… and then punched that survival rate in the face. I weighed two pounds two ounces soaking wet. (And yes, I’m pretty sure I was wet.) That’s the same size as a hero sandwich that you could find in any big city, like New Orleans or Boston. Coincidence? I think not. You see, I was a super hero once.

I grew up in the ranching world of Wyoming, where manual labor and love of  the slow life is a requirement, not a preference. I also grew up in a world that wanted to conceal certain identities. Superman, Batman and other super heroes lived their daily lives as normal, law abiding citizens, but masqueraded at night as crime-fighting , damsel-saving vigilantes. (I never understood why the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tried to conceal who they really were. You’re a giant turtle. A small colored cloth around your eyes isn’t going to make me know its you any less than I already do.) Like I said, I never understood the reasons for safeguarding their identity… until one day. 

I was homeless and looking for a place to stay. (Because of that experience there are two things that I will never be cheap about: laundry detergent and toilet paper. I pay top dollar for top brands.)  I saw some people lining up outside an old abandoned warehouse, so I got in line too. I was hungry and thought it was a soup kitchen. I tried to make chit chat with a guy in an Armani suit. His presence alone should have alerted my brain that this wasn’t a line for people who wanted soup. But, I remind you, I was hungry, and who am I to judge some guy in an Armani suit? The line moved slowly, as if there was no rush to feed my starving stomach. I hadn’t eaten in 72 days, which I now realize was more like 2 hours because some guy gave me the rest of his half eaten Cliff bar, but either way, my stomach was so hungry. Armani and I finally made our way into the large, gymnasium-like room only to find it mostly empty. There were a few long tables with two or three individuals seated at them. There was a sign that said, “Please wait here until called.” They finally called Armani to come forward and I finally got a good look at what was on the tables: a piece of paper. Where was the soup? I was not going to debase myself and eat a piece of paper… again. I turned to leave but was quickly interrupted. “Excuse me, Sir,” stated the lady at the table. “You can come forward now.” I paused for a second, wondering if the garbage can behind McDonald’s was rat free again, but then shrugged my soldiers, turned, and slowly stepped towards the table.

Armani had disappeared somewhere and I couldn’t help but think that he and the soup were in the other room. ‘Maybe they’re just taking orders,’ I thought. “Broccoli and cheese,” I stated matter-of-factly. “And make it quick,” I added. “Excuse me?” said the lady in French. (I knew French because I once read Napoleon’s autobiography. I, of course, am referring to Napoleon Dynamite, the nerdy, curly red headed fictional character, not the French military and political leader during the French Revolution, Napoleon Bonaparte. Apparently, Napoleon Dynamite’s book sold out in like two hours so all they had left was a copy in French.) “Broccoli and cheese… please?” I repeated. The fake French lady and the two gentlemen briefly looked at each other and chuckled. The lady took out a small note card and scribbled something on it. She then smiled a forced smile and handed it to me. It read:

‘quick’ = super speed   

cheese = super sense of humor

broccoli = green and gold

I was a little confused, to say the least, as they motioned me to exit. I walked out of the gym-like room into the brisk, autumn air. I stuck the card in my pocket and slowly walked away. That’s when I realized… I was still hungry. 

Meet Anna the Elf

This is Anna the Elf. University of Wyoming cheerleader, former Miss Wyoming and Miss America contestant. She dominates at Dungeons and Dragons while wearing glitter. And she's my friend. (We are friends, Anna the Elf, right? Maybe? Can you nod for me...? How about a shoulder shrug? You gotta at least give me a shoulder shrug...) Now, I know what you're thinking: "She doesn't look like an Elf." And thats exactly what an elf would want you to think. Don't let looks deceive you. She's got special elvin powers... or whatever it is elves do besides bake cookies in trees and make toys for the Bearded One up at the NP. If you have questions, maybe you should take it up with her, she would know. She's an elf.

I decided to carry on the tradition of sharing some of my GREAT conversations with you all. This one is up there among the best. Thanks, Anna. And you're welcome, Internet.

Anna Nelson: Microsoft Word, It's 4:30 in the morning. I've been up all night trying desperately to get stuff done before finals start in five and a half hours. I know that you've been up just as long and are probably just as tired, but STOP UNDERLINING WORDS IN RED WHEN THEY ARE CLEARLY SPELLED CORRECTLY. I'm cranky, I'm exhausted, and I DO NOT have the patience for your games, Word.

Bart Jamal Gadbury mind games. with a computer? I wonder who won that battle...

Anna Nelson Oh I did. My computer quickly remembered that I can viciously smash it to pieces with a hammer at any given moment and went, "You know what? You're right, Anna. I'll quit."

Bart Jamal Gadbury can't you cast spells or summon things with your elf power? I would think that would be much more terrorizing than a hammer...?

Anna Nelson Yeah, but my people are super busy making toys this time of year, and I just didn't have the time to whip up a really intimidating spell. The hammer was much closer, and still made for a pretty effective threat.

Bart Jamal Gadbury they'd better be busy. I put in a pretty big order for the Bearded One...

Anna Nelson Yeah I saw. And I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this Bart, but we're not authorized to give out social lives for Christmas. No matter how many teardrop stains there are on one's Christmas List.

Bart Jamal Gadbury And here I was, planning on leaving a little extra egg nog and cookies out for the Satin Red Mammoth (aka St Nic) to share with the one and only Anna the Elf... looks like that plan is going to have to change.

Anna Nelson It's not MY fault. I didn't write the Elf Rules. If I had, we wouldn't build cookies in flammable trees or have let Orlando Bloom join our club. But as it is I have some limitations, and I'm sorry.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Why you dissin' on your Keebler Kuzins? (See what I did there? double K...) And since you aren't going to help me with my one christmas wish, I'm going to have to resort to Plan B. I'm going to have to apologize ahead of time... I'm sorry, Anna.

Anna Nelson There has been no "dissin'". I'm concerned for their safety. It's incredibly hazardous to operate a boatload of ovens inside of giant wooden structures, no matter how adorable. And I think that you're overreacting. We can still get you the Polly Pocket Dream Set that you ordered, so just calm yourself down.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Am i really overreacting? Polly Pocket was a backup, a last resort, a sub. (A rather excellent last resort, I might add.) But thats beside the point. If I don't have my Social Life neatly wrapped in sparkly wrapping paper sitting under my tree on Christmas morning, I'm afraid it will be the end of your illustrious career at NP. (That's hipster street lingo for the 'North Pole'.)

Anna Nelson Is that a threat, Mr. Gadbury? Because keep it up and I'll cancel your Polly Pocket order. I'll do it right now.

Bart Jamal Gadbury A threat? I don't give out threats. The only thing I give out are warnings... and promises... and promise rings, ring pops, the occasional stick of gum, and hot tips on the latest catwalk fashions... you're treading on very thin ice, Anna the Elf... and i don't care if the NP Weather Bug says you're actually standing on a glacier thats millions of feet thick. (My ice metaphor is figurative, and its very thin.)

Anna Nelson When were you giving out ring pops and gum, and why was I not invited to THAT party? I don't think you wanna starting something with an elf. I'll take you out with my "Sly Flourish." I'm only allowed to use that once apparently, but once will be enough.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Yeah, but how are you going to use it on me when you're banished to the Island of Misfit Toys. That's right Anna. This is what's going to happen. You're gonna break your little Elf Rules (they're little because they pertain to elves, obviously) and get me my Social Life or else I'm going to take that hammer that you should have used on your computer and smash your tiny little elvin hand. Once Magical White Beard (also St. Nic) sees you falling behind in toy production. He's going to exile you to the Island of Misfit Toys, you will be known as "Elvinus Rejectus" (latin term) and your banishment will last through 7 eternities.

Anna Nelson You would really break a little elf's hand and banish it to a faraway island just because she couldn't build you friends? Real mature, Bart. REAL MATURE.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Excuse me, did I say I was done????? Why does Mr. Rosy McFats Hats (yeah, still St Nic) send misfit elves to the Island of MIsfit Toys? The misfit elf then has to work on the misfit toys forever, never able to fix them. The physical exile is bad enough, but the psychological torment of never amounting to anything is a snowflakey hell. (I tried to winterize hell for you to make it less intimidating for you. Snowflakey at least made it cuter.) Aaaaaand.... now I'm done.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Plus you'll have a broken hand.

Anna Nelson You really think that SANTA CLAUSE (see me using his real name? Yeah, he'll remember that later) would do something like that to me, his favorite elf? The Island of Misfit Toys is reserved for bad elves who do things like move Frosty into the sun while he's sleeping or accept bribes for switching kids to the Nice List (which is why SANTA CLAUSE has to check it twice, incidentally). I'm in the clear. You'll break my hand, but hands heal. Just take your Polly Pocket and be grateful.

Bart Jamal Gadbury Hands may heal, Anna the Elf, but hearts don't. And you just broke mine.

Anna Nelson Hey man, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you immature. And threatened to obliterate you with my Sly Flourish (which was never really that big of a deal, since I don't know how to use it anyway). If I could build you friends, I totally would. But sometimes things just aren't meant to be, and we need to learn how to be okay with those things and move on with our lives.

Bart Jamal Gadbury by 'moving on with our lives' do you mean 'posting this entire conversation to your blog'... because thats whats happening. Right now.